time adds fluff to memory(:

got back my maths paper. i got 65% (which is 39/60..okie, when written like this, it looks bad). 5% more till i get A! and its 3 marks on the paper! and do you know where those marks go to? careless mistakes like forget to label axis, forget to check signs, forget to change from pi to degree...urgh.. those are probably worth more than 3 marks...-_-" ahhh...haha.. but nonetheless, i am happy. at least something turned out well.

well, i think the same wont be possible for geo or GP paper2. econs? i have no idea..all i hope is i will pass!!!!

haha. oh yeah..i am like some personal 'secretary' to my dad. haha. not the i am complaining. i mean look at it! i am secretary for both of my posts in PSL and councillor committee. so i am like use to it?! i handle/read all angmoh letters for my dad..haha..anyway, people! never pay ur medisave funds late!!!! its HUGE trouble. especially when you own(should i use past tense?!help!) a shop. Image hosted by Photobucket.com

i must be crazy. i walked all the way home from amk central. that is like 5bus stops away! goodness. and whats more?! i climbed up 8 storeys after that! haha.. and i plan to walk home at least once every week. and climb up the stairs every monday to wednesday. cuckoo huh? but then if those will help me to improve my stamina or keep me fit..why not? its not that far anyway...

okie..better go. exhausted. anyway, ramen ten(teh?) quite nice.as long as you dont order yuting's curry chicken rice(is it?)..cause its ultra spicy. well, unless you are lai zihui who loves spicy stuff to the core. and we are going back for pizza cause it cost only 5.95 during lunch express. and u get a pizza, soup and drink. yummy-licious.

@ 3:58 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i failed my gp paper one. by one and a half mark. was rather bummed out cause everyone passed. then i was feeling sad when this little voice told me, " you sad for what? you didnt prepare anything." so i kinda cheered up. okie, thats too strong a word. but, well, i am going to work harder. even though i dont really like too but for the sake of my grade, i will have to.

maybe i should just keep my comments to myself the next time.

i hate it when i voice out my opinion and people starts looking at me weirdly. i mean, you are free to do that too. dont look at me like i am some moron with zero tolerance or go all sensitive/avoid that topic around me.

thats why i miss lai. i mean we always just speak whats on our mind. and after we bitched/reacted, it was normal again. LAI!!!

i dont care what people think. i am going to work harder. i just hope i will be able to stay sane.

have you ever wanted to be left alone? but yet at the same time you wish that people would come and care for you?

@ 11:15 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

okie, on to more relaxed stuff.

if you see me today you will probably think that i am some nutcase. cause i was listening to ashlee simpsons and tapping, shaking my head according to the beat. i was mouthing the words too. i hope i didnt sing them out. haha. i was doing that on the bus, waiting for it, and in i-space. the album rocks.

oh yeah, in i-space some dumb ass science people came in make a helluva of a noise. even after numerous shhh--- they dont get the message. so i kinda shouted, " shut up lah" . then after that i returned to my work and wanted to burst out laughing. i got no idea why. i just found it funny. but in order to get those dumbo to take it seriously, i turn all the laughter into coughs. shit. i got the gayathri syndrome. scold scold then laugh.

better go. still have ecn. cracking headache.

@ 10:59 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am thankful i prayed just now.

my mum came home and picked on me again. it makes the tears come pouring again. now what? i am not suppose to take a nap?! oh well, then blooody hell dont ask me tto go take a nap when i dont!

anyway, i was crying so hard that scary thoughts entered my brain and i wanted so badly to act on it. but i prayed. i asked for help cause i was feeling so tired. and, maybe its a coincidence, but then my handphone rang. it was lai sending me 3 sms. thanking me for her bdae gift and updating me on her life. just by reading the sms made me feels better and all the scary thoughts were gone.

i feel like writing a letter to my mum. but when does she ever listen to me? i think i am going to explain to my dad that i am not angry with him or my mum, i stormed out cause i wanted to cry after her comment not because of my dad taking the route where its more likely for me to be late.

i miss my sis. if shes here, at least she will neutralise the situation. and i wont cry at night cause i am too scared that she will hear.

@ 7:28 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my mum just accuse me of not doing my homework. not working hard enough. she just said that all i do in the day is sleep and play. thats why i sleep late at night. thats why i wake up late in the morning.

i just stormed out of the shop and cried all the way home. in the lift. along the corridor. walking up the stairs.

i dont know why i care so much about the family. does she ever think of what i do in the day? every afternoon i will reach home at 3. but i wont be able to sleep or do homework. all i do is i sit in the shop hoping to spend sometime with her and my dad. i will help out in the shop when she says shes tired so she can sleep and rest. and by the time i reach home it will be 6. 6! i will clean up and by the time i start its 7. so i will do homework. but sometimes, she will ask me to help her mop the floor. or fold the clothes. or sometimes i auto fold the clothes and iron them for her. so when i finally setlle down. 8.30pm. time for dinner. eat until 9. do half hour. get rushed to bathe. so after all, i can only start at 11 w/o interruption. so of course i sleep late.

if she wants me to sleep early?! fine! i go straight home and rest. start at 4. then i can end at 11. sleep. good what! i can rest. i can AT LAST have enough sleep. have she ever thought of what how fuckingly beat out i am everyday after school?! yes, its not some physical chores like housework. but i am using my fucking brain cells which is amazingly little now. and she accuse me of not working.

it hurts me so bad. so so bad. she doesnt even acknowledge the things i do for her. i dont need a thanks or anything. at least make a comment or something. say its not very well done. say its bad. at least let me know that you appreciate what i did.

my brother. he doesnt do anything. he has homework which can be done in an hour. but ye he sleeps late. she doesnt scream at him. when he helps her mop floor like once in a blue moon, she say he is guai. when he refuses saying he got too much homework, she says its okay. me? she will say, "you are no help at all" just once people. after so many times, i rejected once and thats whats she say.

well, for your information, your son only mops the floor after i begged him to. after i gave him something in exchange. like yesterday. i helped him do his homework! and he can sleep early is because he goes to school to do homework. he hands in homework late.

stop saying i didnt work hard. stop saying i didnt do my homework. they are just coming and coming. they are piling so high on me now that i can hardly breathe. i just wish i can jump down and end it all. stop saying i am unfillial because i have all these thoughts. its your insensitivity that put them in me. its been years since i have them. why do i bother to be sensitive to you when you're not? i am never good enough am i?!

i will be okay i guess. i always will be. they wil get buried. the wounds will heal. but the scars remain.

wo ze mo yong gao wei le she me? what do i work so hard for?

wish that someone will just be here to let me cry on. to give me one of those quality hugs and w/o making comments. just listen. thats all i want.
because i will always forget everything and the whole cycle will continue....

@ 3:06 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sister have officially moved out. i wont see her again till the next weekend.

its weird though. i always thought i will be the one who move out. but now she is. so its kinda weird to wake up to have a empty bed "downstairs". the first thing i see know wont be her "ugly" sleeping face but her empty bed. *sigh* oh well, it might be temporary cause she might move back soon, i heard.

with her gone, i have less nice nice cd to borrow. clothes too! haha. and i wont have anyone to drive me home on early dismissal days. boo...you know, since mph moved outta j8, i am visiting sembawang music store REGULARLY. i am now buying lots lots of cd. haha...-_-"

anyway, i feel dumb. i helped my brother did his homework cause he said he had alot and refused to go out with my sister to buy my mum's gift(why dont i go? lazy). so now, he finished his work at 12 and me? jus barely there. i hope weilin never touch those tys qns of tutorial 10..hehe...

well, without my sis at home, i have no idea what time to sleep. cause when shes home, i will purposely sleep before she sleeps so she will have to switch off the lights. and when she comes home (which is rather late), i will start to pack my bag. haha..guess i have grown kinda dependent huh?

good thing? i get to read books until late at night and write dairy. huurah?! o.O

@ 12:55 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Almost here

by Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem

BRIAN:

Did I hear you right

'Cause I thought you said

Let's think it over

You have been my life

And I never planned

Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light

Where a love once shined so bright

Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight

Love's not always black and white

Haven't I always loved you?

DELTA:

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's

Not enough

But when I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

BRIAN:

I would change the world

If I had a chance

Oh won't you let me

Treat me like a child

Throw your arms around me

Please protect me

BOTH:

Bruised and battered by your words

Dazed and shattered now it hurts

BRIAN:

Haven't I always loved you

DELTA:

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's

Not enough

But I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

BOTH:

Bruised and battered by your words

Dazed and shattered now it hurts

BRIAN:

Haven't I always loved you

DELTA:

But when I need you,you're almost here (Well I never knew how far behindI'd left you)

DELTA:

And when I hold you,you're almost here (Well I'm sorry that I took our lovefor granted)

BOTH:

Now I'm with you, i'm close to tears

BRIAN:

'Cause I know I'm almost here

BOTH:

Only almost here

@ 1:04 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

spurlge today. went to coffee bean to eat. a tiramisu cake and a pure vanilla drink cost me $9.80 *faints* but its nice though. pure vanilla was good.

then i bought 2 cds which cost me $28.90 *faints again* i bought avril lavinge and ashlee simpsons. i bought the china version of avril's cd. its cheap. but theres a song missing!! its the "Dont Tell mE" *sigh* but its cheap. haha. cool. that means i have 2 more albums i want to buy *goes and edit her wants section*

went out with san cyn mabel and sivan today to celebrate sivan's birthday. had fun. talked alot. well, i didnt go play pool with cyn mabel and sivan though(san left for "Robots" at 3+) cause i needed alot of me time. yeah. iwas practically going crazy mugging for blocky. so i came home, watch finished my "Desperate Houswife" and "Amazing Race 7". wanted to watch "The Incredibles" but my brother wants to play FF8 desperately*rolls eyes* so i let him lor.

anyway, played this new game called "Beach Life" not bad. it was a trial version lah( cheapo huh?). but it was nice~! i get to built a beach resort. i love this kinda building game! wheee~..anyone want to lend me building games?! haha..i keep downloading trial versions to play...haha..

@ 11:14 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sis is moving to her boss house to sleep for the weekdays.

so unofficially i will be having the room to myself every day. happy? yeah i guess so.

but i think i will miss her wackiness. her pestering me about her outfit for the day.

haha. but at least i get to have the room?!

no more scary stories heli and walter! they are my terrorizer.

@ 11:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

tired. very tired. been up since 8 this morning. then did alot of leisure time. none of which includes me watching my vcds taped shows and etc. its all com stuff.

anyway, had class gathering at east coast today. not bad. haha. cycled and played.hehe. but i super duper suay. kana the dare. so i went up and ask 2 girls to take picture with me. nandwani thought there was 3 girls. yikes. freaky.

then we took photos and most of them left. left me charissa weilin heli walter mag aik lim yuting. they all bought beer and played daidee. gee. i dont know how to play so become card holder for weilin. gosh. its time i learn? but i got a feeling my dad will not like. he wont disapprove le but he dont encourage. yeah. and then everyone was drinking calsberg. me? nah. if i drink, i will probably be banned from going out or staying out le. cause drinking is a serious "offence" in my house. the last time my sis drank, she was given a curfew and got nagged+scolded by both the parents. yikes. they had a humogous fight too.

my mum even brought jolly shandy which contain less that 1% up. but my dad took it down immediately. gee. i will probably be the first one to get knock out if theres ever a drinking requirement. cause i havent tasted a single drop of alchol before! yeah. so my future boyfriend must definitely can drink.

anyway, poon fell down while riding the bike. the wound wont stop bleeding. yikes. pity her while shes bathing. ouchy. poon, dont move around alot o! the wound will open up de..i think!

@ 12:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

"Independent" DAy! haha. ok, sorta. free from BLOCKY!!!!!! (heli, you should do it like this)

anyway, econs was okay. but then a few careless mistakes here and there in MCQs. but its a MILLION times better than geo.

after the paper went to toa payoh to eat at the jap place. but then it wasnt open yet o.O..so we went to eat at a food court(?!). talked alot. and theres this 2 little kids playing next next to our table. etc etc. got home at 12.45pm. actually wanted to go straight home to watch videos, vcds, sleep, read. but in the end, my dad needed help in the shop.

so i stayed till like 4! i rearranged the whole dried food section cause it was just so super disorganised. then i tried to reload the price tagging device and failed miserably. i screamed super loudly when i saw a bug(shiny green bug) and the aunties who were talking to my mum were all laughing at me. malu. and i helped to put all the new goods onto the shelves. accomplishment.

then when i went home, i read men's health! nice nice. then i found out phone sex can like burn 9calories?! and going to buy a condom can burn 125calories. and the highhest amount you can burn is 525calories! omg. i smsed susanto and sivan about all this! hehe. and then me and susanto were saying whether sex hurts. haha. i said it did and he say it didnt. so he's the expert. i believe him. and i told him Asian guy sucks cause they only spend like 11.6minutes on foreplay!! gosh. MCPs sia. self pleasuring idiots.

okie, some oof you will go..eee...so disgusting go and discuss this kinda thing with a guy! hhaha. but then we do that all the time. so yeah. its not weird. haha..and we are use to it. really..we are open-minded people. new age people (?!) okay, thats abit bhb.

haha. i got more interesting facts from fhm maxim female and etc. but then if i write it all out. this entry is gonna be R-rated. haha. anyway, i still havent watch desperate housewife. and i didnt watch amazing race today! but i know rob and amber go first! whooohooo!

class gathering tomorrow. sun tanning! i hope so. and i am running tomorrow! with a bloody headache.

@ 1:28 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

2nd day of battle

tomorrow is the last day! *types faster cause she wants to take a nap*

okie. i learnt a lesson today. and that is to read the question, analyse it before you start bloodily writing for the answer.

for the first time in my life, i knew what to write for human geography! i even taught my friends how to memorise the points! in the end, i have no time to finish writing. i spent like the first time minutes writing the wrong answer for 1a! damn. should have followed my inner voice which was nudging me to do essay first. if i had listened to that it wont be so bad. cause at least i have already done the 10marks question! damn. and i think my 7 mark qns is answer wrongly ba. so in the end i think i might get a single mark results.

geography remedial here i come. it isnt fair you know?! the other geo test we had i was sick and i didnt answer the questions properly. i guess my results (ALL OF IT) will come back sucky. my maths is like hopeless cause even if i id well for blocky, my assignments all sucked. so. then geo is needless to say.

last hope=econs. i hope i will score well for blocky tomorrow. then at least i will have some presentable grade.

mistake learnt will be brought forward tomorrow. read and analyse the question. no matter what you heard the others have said. and be calm. like what i did for maths this morning.

weird. i never use to dwell so much on an exam done last time. now i am! i am like contradicting all the advice i had given in the past.

positive thoughts. positive thoughts. geo remedial aint that bad. at least i can practice. positive thoughts. positive thoughts. tomorrow last paper. positive thoughts. damn. who's gonna stay back with me next time if i kana geo remedial?

@ 3:36 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

first day of battle.

2 more days till blocky ends! yippee yaya yippee yippee ya *prances around the room*..

gp was averageo.O? i no longer know how to gauge how hard or easy gp is/was. so, anyway, i really got no idea how i will do. but i pray that i will at least scrape pass it. you know what is ironic? i chose the question, " Happiness only belongs to the wealthy. How far do you agree?". i am not a very good person to say whether or not the richies are happy or not cause in my opinion, if i am richer i will be happier. aiya. hard to describe. anyway, in the end, i wrote who was happier. the richies or the not so richies. erm.. out of topic!

tomorrow is maths! and..geo. as you can see, i am not very enthusiastic about one but super enthu about the other. haha..what can i say? i am not a very artsy arts faculty student ba. i mean look at me! do i look very creative or artsy to you? everyone who knows me or just know me will go.."you take physics or chem?" err...stop rubbing salt into my wounds!! and i get sick of those questions that i feel like pulling my hair out and say, " CANT YOU SEE I AM AN ART STUDENT?! I HAVE CULTIVATED THE ARTSY LOOK!!! STP GIVING ME THAT LOOK! ARTS STUDENT ARE SMART TOO!" erm.. okie. thats abit over the top.

seriously, i am feeling abit not right now. i mean i am super excited about things. like sending that song to heli and sleeping and eating. well, i am not excited about mugging for geo though. all the stuff i have to memorise. gosh.

okie! off to eat lunchie! then off to nappie! =)

@ 12:15 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just read snoopy's blog and remembered yesterday while watching "guess guess guess", this guy contestant actually proposed to his girlfriend live. and he really know how to coax a girl!

this is what he said, " i believe by meeting you, i have used finished all my luck..(yu jian ni ..wo xiang xing wo yi jing ba suo you de xin yun yong wan le)" my goodness! sweet. he is saying that by meeting the girl thats the luckiest thing that will ever happen in his life! awww...

okie..back to more regional inequalities in Malaysia.

@ 5:20 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

been slacking again! argh! haha. didnt touch anything. anyway, my brain is too sick to process what i am reading.

i am confuse between interest rate and tax rate. are they link?! i have no clue what public finance is about. luckily, they arent coming out as essay questions. *wipes brows* phew.

and then theres regional development. the 2 models. they are so bloody similar. so how can 2 people claim that they are different? either that or i am too dumb to see the differences. i mean all they say is that core develops, core becomes more devlop. periphery gets taken advantage of. and then the trickle down effects happen. except that in one model, the effects sorta stays in the core unless theres spread effectt happening. erm..is that what it means? my head is hurting like shite.

anyway, the song i have in my blog is called "Amazed" by Lonestar. nice right? i accidentally downloaded it a few months ago and got hooked!! haha..i mean its such a sweet song. haha. i am a sucker for this kinda songs.and, i finally know how to put songs in my blog! haha.

People think it's intimidating when a girl is cool with her sexuality I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying home and being innocent..

@ 10:12 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

didnt hit the books as hard today. i barely complete a lecture on NI.

feel guilty. but everyone in my house is nagging me to stop stop stop. relax relax relax. rest rest rest. even my body is screaming out in desperation. i am sick again. my eyes appear swollen cause i didnt have enough sleep. on average i have 4hrs sleep per day. ystd was 3hrs. goodness.

so, i cant go running again. i seriously need to get my legs running. next thursday. sigh. i keep postpone-ing!

anyway, bought jojo's album. its kinda teen pop? i havent really listen. hope its nice.

i wanna buy ashlee simpsons and J.Lo! save save save!

@ 10:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

was looking at geography and trying to make sense of it.

i mean, we are suppose to look at factors promoting inequalities between race/gender/ethnics. but all he is giving is symptons of inequalities! and only in Africa!

anyway, i forced myself to read on when i see this..
" ...a woman is killed by her partners every 6 days and there is a rape every 35 seconds.."

my goodness. are the government blind? stupid? dumb. come on! the assaults are putting a strain on the country's medical resources so why not, instead of increasing the medical things, stop the rapes?! i mean kill those assholes. or maybe find two rapist and let them rape each other! i mean, hey! they like to rape people what!

oh, i forgot. the government is male-dominated. they are probably rapist too. if not then they are self absorbed, abusive husbands themselves. damn. i seriously dunno how the woman stands it. i feel sick just by reading it.

ok. off to more studying..maths time!

@ 11:30 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

haha. as you can see..instead of sleeping, i came online and changed my blogskins.

to all people who cant wait to see me get attached..no, i am STILL not attached. the picture just gave me a very sweet feeling. found 3 skins that i like quite alot and all by xDiorAngelx.. haha. i love it. and she is the only skin i can find that doesnt require clicking to get to the different skins.

oh. i found a skin for the PSL alumni blog. shall try to put it up as soon as i am available. i may have temporary left but, i will still be setting up the blog. haha.

okie. went studying with heli charissa and weilin. not bad. even though progress was quite slow..i sorta get more of it. i have like ALOT of population geography to finish. i hope we are going out to study again tomorrow. anyway, my stupid brother is going to watch movie with my mum tomorrow so that means i cant run tomorrow cause i dont want go to the wulu wulu park alone. haha.

okie. better go change and cram more population in my brains. blocky please be over.

@ 6:45 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

to be fair..all of my junk food, excluding the grapes, are sponsored by my dad.

haha.

@ 7:30 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is the amount/list of junk food i brought up from me dad's shop:

1) a packet of maltesers
2) a packet of oreo (free35g!)
3) 1 packet of preserved mandarin peels
4) 1 kopiko sweet
5) 1 honey coated sour plum
6) 1 chocolair
7) a bar of meiji white chocolate(approved by mum. she doesnt know about the rest)
8) a bunch of grapes(sponsored by mum)
9) a packet of milk

haha. a considerable stash(correct usage?) of junkies. and guess how much i have finished? i have finished the milk, the meiji chocolate bar, the maltesers, half a bunch of grapes, the chocolair. gosh. imagine the amount of calories i have taken in already! and i have to replenish the stock tomorrow. secretly. without letting my dad see. hhaha. have i ever steal from a shop? yeah. i 'steal' from my dads shop. hahah.

okie. back to my enclosed cavern to study. my 15 minutes break have extended to half an hour. for the sake of watching "the terminal" and " po li xue" later, i must jiayou!!!!

have i told you that i will be running on thursday morning? (prays hard she will wake up.)

you are all that i need..you're the treasure i seek..
("All that I need" by Super Mario)

@ 7:14 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i cant do it. integration dreams will fill my mind soon.

must remember to balance out between the 3 subjects. do not only concentrate on maths, gal!!

@ 2:23 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

lay-long lay-lonh *rings bell*

pc for rent. free of charge for a a week. self collection and self return is required.

*sigh* i cant study with the computer here! my face is glues here ever since 11! not good. huishan, get your lazy ass moving! move!

@ 11:33 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok. this isnt much of a holiday(doesnt sound right?!). study study all the way.

anyway, i got "the incredibles" vcd! hehehe. this is one promise i made(to myself) that i kept. haha.

oh yeah. i just found this vcd rental shop at the market near my house which rents vcd at a cheap cheap rate. $3 for english vcds and $2 fo chinese. they rent out dramas and tvb series too. didnt check out the price though. haha. so me and my sis just borrowed 3! we borrowed "twins effect 2" , "anaconda:the hunt fot the blood orchid"(<--my sister's choice) and " the terminal" !! haha. and we have return it on tuesday. which means tonight, tomorrow night i will be busy watching vcds. i have to study in the day. haha.

oh and after block test, i will be going back to rent "13 going 30" , "along came polly", "cinderella story" , " kung fu hustle" and " mean girls"!! haha. that will be 14 bucks. gosh. haha. but then...i deserve a break after blocky right? haha.

ok. back to maths. agreed with weilin that we will finish integration and P+C by tuesday. haha. anyone want to join the agreement? haha.

@ 10:24 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

"I Don't Wanna Fight No More"

by Westlife

I can't sleep,

everything i ever knew,

Is a lie without you

I can't breathe,

when my heart is broke in two,

There's no beat,

without you..

You're not gone,

but you're not here,

At least that's the way it seems tonight,

If we could try to end these wars,

I know that we can make it right,

cause baby,

I don't wanna fight no more,

I forgot what we were fighting for,

and this lonelyness that's in my heart,

won't let me be apart from you,

I don't wanna have to try,

Girl, to live without you in my life,

So, i'm hoping we can start tonight,

cause i don't wanna fight,

no more,

How can I leave,

when everything that I adore,

and everything I'm living for,

Girl, it's in you,

I can't dream,

sleepless nights have got me bad,

The only dream i ever had,

is being with you,

I know that we can make it right,

It's gonna take a little time,

Lets not leave ourselves with no way out,

lets not cross that line,(that line)

Remember that i made a vow,

that i would never let you go,

I meant it then,

I mean it now,

and i want to tell you so,

Repeat chorus

It's all a lie,Without you,without you..

Nice song. A very sweet song to sing to a girl. haha. if my future boyfriend made me mad, i think i will forgive him once he sing me this song..i think..

@ 10:10 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

you guys are probably going to laugh..

i didnt know this icon: <3 is actually a heart shape.

i thought it meant smaller than 3. yes, in the mathematic sense. gosh.

@ 9:08 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

@ 12:35 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is what i forgot along the way.."only dreams will last.."

and when things dont go the way it should, " i dream i can run like the wind and be strong..when my heart just want to give in..."

i never know how to react when people say good stuff about me. i mean if the occassional aunties/customers say, " aiyo..you very pretty hor.." or tell my mum, " wow..your daughter looks very demure (do i?) and graceful(i do?)"...i can handle...i will just say thank you. cause, you accept praises, and theres no harm in getting too much of these. and half of them should be fake. cause i am not a)demure b)graceful or c) pretty. so..just go with the flow right?!

but, when it comes to praises like " wow, you're so clever" or " your maths very power ah.." or " huishan wrote a decent essay(nandwani said it..)"..i never know how to react. say thank you and go with the flow? people will think you are this cocky self-centered bitch. say " no lah..i am not good"? people will think, "is she trying to suan me?" so what am i suppose to do? like today. i mean, i got 19 for essay. yeah. of course i am happy cause i always fail. it boost my confidence. but when nandwani keep repeating it, i feel awkward. i am afraid that people will think i am gloating. i am a teacher's pet. but seriously, this time is luck. you guys know how long i spend on those essay? 2.5hr for part (b) and 2hrs for part (a)..so..if i am suppose to write that again in exams, i probably wont get the same point...cause i wont even be able to finish.

and of course, i am afraid of all the stress and expectations that comes along with nice academic results. its like, if you scored well for just one thing in a subject, you are banned from having feelings (like feeling nervous) for that exams. its like, you cant worry that you wont do well. i am not trying to blame anyone...but i quote my friend when i said i was nervous about a maths test.."you worry for what?" i even got pissed off once. i think weilin might have a little idea about how i feel.

was telling my mum all this while i accompany her to market today. i told her i wanted to get triple 'As' for A'level so i can get into a university and do our family proud. and this is what she told me (its all translated),"why must give yourself pressure? dont ask for too much. dont care about what results you will get, just do the exams/tests. if you get too concern with the results, all you can think of is the result and miss out details." and, it does make sense. i kinda lost that attitude this year. this year, whenever i do a maths assignment, i am thinking " i must get full marks. i must get full marks" and in the end, i fail or got just pass. last year, my attitude was take it as it comes and it was much better. so. yeah. i'm glad my mum told me these. i will have to remember that.

when i told her.."what if my results are not good enough to get into a university? it will be so disgracing." she answered, " go to poly lor. its simple." and i was like, " i dun want! i would have wasted 2yrs! i.." i didnt continue cause i dont dare to bring up the topic about private university in singapore. cause i know we cant cope. we cant afford it. all ican do is pray that i will score well. i dont want to see my life just go down the drain. i dont want to see my dream of getting in university go to waste. wo bu gan yuan!

so.. i need to change my attitude. i have to do what my mum had said. i have to do what nandwani told me last year. and i have to pray for luck. and thank god for blessing me with friends and family who will always be there to help me stand up when i fall. when i say friends, i have no idea which grp. mayeb all. maybe some. maybe none. but hey, i am ok. relationships (be it friendship or others) arent always smooth? something like that.

@ 12:00 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hhaha. sivan just told everyone what i did in mac today.

gosh! i cant believe i actually did it. i waved my arms around and said, " before you draw anything..anything at all..". i cannot even begin to think what the people sitting behind and in front of me was thinking. ahaha. but me and sivan kinda paused and started laughing. gosh. been ages since i was this silly. but it felt GREAT!

haha. FINALLY passed sivan her belated valentine's day gift from me and cynthia. theres another one for geksan. gotta pass to her. shhhh..i already bought lai's bdae gift even though her bdae is like on april the 3rd. hey! cant blame me. i scared later i wnt see geksan and geksan cant pass it to her on time. haha. okie..back to homework.

remember sivan..befoore you draw anything anything at all..you draw the...haha...

YED=+ve if its YED>1, income elastic if YED<1 income inelastic
YED=-ve if its YED>-1 income inelastic(i think) if YED<-1 income elastic

something new i learnt from sivan!!!!!!!!!! ok..i know heli ber or whoever is reading my blog is gonna throw knives at me soon..haha

@ 10:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

geez. my mouse balls are getting insensitive. super hard to navigate the cursor around. urgh. how am i going to use it to play games?! damn.

haha. okie. happy thoughts. happy thoughts. mag went home with us today! haha. we all clapped as she walked out. haha.

anyway, nowadays when i run for my bus, 2 buses will wait for me! one is the one i want to board, the other not. haha. wheeee...i hope by typing this out, i wont jinx my lucky streak.

saw sivan today. taught her econs for 2 hrs. geez. i realise how rusty my micro econs was. haha.

kk. end of thoughts.

damn. debate tomorrow.

@ 9:55 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my inner thoughts
my inner-most secrets
the things i've never ever told
and more importantly the thing i've always wanted to tell
was something in my mind all this while
in my head everytime
When i'm awake, i'm acting
when i'm asleep, i'm crying.

i dont mind if i have done wrong
but i dont know what i've done
so help me by telling me, is it safe to live in this world?

an excerpt from , "my voice"

my secret nowadays. i will purposely make myself cry at night before i sleep. cause i no longer feel anything anymore. theres just this numbness. i cant laugh. so crying is the only alternative i have.

i know after my blog entry on "...i dont like people to copy my homework..." everyone's been viewing me differently. i dont like but that doesnt mean i dont approve. i mean..i will still happily let you copy my homework. i myself copy at times. so.

things are different if you let out your true thought as an annonymous person. the reader will have a certain degree of empathy of sympathy. but when you say it to people you know, they judge you, they feel weird around you. what happen to the emapthy? the sympathy? if i say half the thing in "my voice", i bet millions of people will start to fly away from me. but if someone who doesnt know me saw it, the thing will be there.

weird huh?

@ 12:00 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

seems like ages since i even blogged about happy stuff or how my day was normal. gosh. i miss those days. nowadays, my normal is no longer normal normal.

anyway, just finished watching amazing race 7. rob and amber got first this round! haha.

know what? the boyfriends team got their item for the detour free! the rest have to pay! so lucky. haha.

anyway, nothing much to say. so. yeah.

oh. meeting sivan tomorrow to teach her micro economics. haha. me an econs teacher? i feel like laughing.

I see u looking at me Like I’m some kind of a freak Get up out of your seat Why don’t u do something?

@ 11:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

if you are unhappy with me say it straight to me.

dont go around critising or making fun of me behind my back with the others. cause, i will never know what you are unhappy with.

and gossiping behind someone's back is a form of back stabbing.

maybe the others should stop the person when she starts making fun of the other. but it takes courage to do that. i dont think that is even possible. it will never happen in any group of my friends.

i am not blind.

@ 7:26 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me

And I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Where the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk alone

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Greenday

@ 12:33 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

OKL stepped on my 'tail' today. i was so pissed? nah, thats too strong. anyway, i was tempted to walk out of her class then and there. any little wisp of respect i have for her has gone down the drain. i mean, if your head is down on your arms, does that necessarily mean that you are sleeping? come on, the bloody chair was so uncomfortable and i am suppose to look at the bloody screen! what am i suppose to do? strain my neck? yeah right. anyway, i was kinda fierce when i turned to her and look straight in her eyes and said " i wasnt sleeping" before rolling my eyes back towards the screen. that kinda deterred her from calling my name for the rest of the lesson. but not for long. she called my group to start the debate rolling on friday. fuck. *prays hard that she will fall sick or someone in her grp will*

decided to go and chop my hair. but the longer i think of it, the more i cannot bear. i mean it took me 5yrs before i FINALLY have the perseverance to keep my hair these long. but, i find it a distraction when i am working. what with all the loose strands falling into my face and tickling my nose. and i have to keep rubbing my nose! yuck. and if i want to keep it, i will probably look like an ah ma during exam period. cause when i am thinking at home, i will tie my hair super low with a loose scrunchy(is that what its called?) and wear hairband. i think better that way and work faster cause the hair is outta the way. but i cant look like that in school! its way too untidy. geez. and if i cut my hair, i will probably end up looking like yunqi's identical twin when i wear my specs. geez. thats another factor thats discouraging me from cutting.

developed a rather bad habit nowadays. when i go and buy things, i will compare the prices there and those in my dads shop! haha. like when i went with charissa and weilin to the i-econ outside school today, they were happily choosing and buying, and i was looking at the prices and in the end didnt but. for you guys who are interested, the i-econ outside school sucks. their service sucks. their price are over the top. for example, the chocolate, "milky bar" cost $1.20 in my dads shop and it cost $1.50 there! one small bar of kit kat is $0.40 at my dads and its $0.60 there! my goodness. and the shop is messy and the service sucks. ha. its suppose to be open by the i-econ management team(ie the main office) so its not even a franchise! sucks. my dads shop is better. its an i-econ too. *proud grin*

really really tired now. but i feel good. cause i stayed back and did maths. my maths tutorial 9 is finish and so is the integration. and i tidied up all my worksheets. so my box(yes, i dump all my worksheets in a box) is currently empty!! haha. probably gonna rest the whole day tomorrow. read, sleep, play game and write speech for debate before sending it to ber for double checking. i have a good team mate(?!what do you call them? team mates?).

@ 11:52 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

geez. things sure change alot in my secondary school. as in the culture(?! sorta) of all the cca i was in. PSLs, councillors and guides. well, maybe they arent big changes but hey, it feels weird cause seeing that i am in the commitee for PSLs and councillors, patrol leader for guides, i dont feel very informed.

change in councillors: we are having investiture on tuesday?! its tomorrow. but i cant make it. school.
and anyway, i probably wont know half the people in the new committee.
i wont know the trainee councillors too since grand seniors were NOT INVITED to the annual camp last year.
change in PSLs: the change is simple. grand seniors are no longer inform of the ongoings or events anymore.
and i sorta quitted PSL alumni cause i want to wait till i can be fully committed. i dont want to
be half there and half not there. especially if i am in the commitee.
change in guides: these change is good. we use to have camp at the bishan guide house where we set up 4
tents on a pathetic patch of grass. the toilets were equipped with heater. comfort.
now, we are having the annual camp at camp christine! which is far more wilder. more like
camp. but i doubt the guide spirit is any better. sure all niang niang judging from what sivan
told me when she taught them marching.

sigh. i wish i was in secondary school again. i miss making announcements in the morning. miss sitting in the councillors' room in the morning and see all your juniors coming in to mark attendance. miss being able to go next door to sing songs. or just sing songs with lai! miss marking duty attendance in the morning. miss standing outside GO with my committee. i miss gayathri tracy renuka zahidah yulin billy susanto saran. i miss my PSL ex-co too. miss having meetings till late with PSL and councillor committee.

ironically, all these were routines i was tired of in secondary. now all i want is to have them back for awhile. maybe they should have a "Return to Secondary School Day" for the 18years old where we can live a day in sec school again.

its just the beginning its not the end. things will never be the same again.

@ 7:27 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Don't wanna play the game with you, baby.So listen to me.. All I want is you.Come over here baby.

@ 11:44 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

blogspot! you screwed up! i just type a whole lot of stuff and you screwed up!!!!!!

@ 2:26 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

geez. feed me geo again and i will probably puke my guts out to you. i completed HT4 at long last. took me the whole day. started at 5pm and just ended now. and i ate a surprising huge amount (in my standard) of junk food. lots of plain biscuits, a packet of milky bar nuggets, a packet of cadbury chocolettes, and macdonal! AHHHH!! all the calories..all the fats.. hai...

i think i will repeat the mass eating tomorrow when i tackle my econs essay and my maths tutorial 9. *prays hard that econs is only a one-part question* sigh. my weekend is packed. listed out all my homework. and i have 3 more HUGE homework to work on.

and i was still hoping to spend quality time with my computer, myself and my story. geez. wishful thinking on my part.

@ 1:10 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have reached the stage where i find that all my friends are gradually slipping away from me. they are all drifting away like some lousy sampan.

this made me realise that, none of the friendship i have is solid. friendship whereby when you ask me, "Who do you think you will still be friends with in 10years time?", i can say so and so without thinking. i cant do that. cause this is like one year after graduation and my friends are drifting away? maybe we didnt put in enough effort. even with snoopy and gang, i feel like i am detached. something is just missing. as i have told ber charissa that i have turned rather introvert. my temper shorter, my ability to communicate is that of a year old.

reasons for all this? i guess maybe this is probably my most relax and hectic year since sec one. i have no cca so its "relaxed". but the 'A's coming. so the hectic. i mean since sec one, i m busy busy with CCA. busy busy with homework. and that made me happy surprisingly. made me an extrovert. i was loud. i was outgoing. now, no cca no excitement. all i have is work. it makes me kinda want to just keep to myself. and when the friends are in conversation, i wont dare to talk too much, cause i feel like i am very self centered cause all i say is about me and like i am preventing the others from talking.

friendship or relationship?! i have come to this point where i dont believe when people say "we will always keep in contact!" , or "i miss you"..you know those kinda things people say when you are leaving school? i think they are all crap. now old friendships to me are rather superficial??! new one i think we are still in the trail period?! in short, i dont believe in friendships. i know everyone is going to go like, " but i will be there?!" or something or another. but if you have been through so many friendships, cliques, you will feel the same.

if anything were to happen now, i wont know who to sms. like when i got A2 for my chinese today. friends were msg-ing their friends, calling their parents. me? i was like "A2! oh yeah!" thats it. really. i dont know who to sms to share my 'joy' with. if i call my parents, they will go "orr" cause my parents live by the policy that studying is for your own sake. and they kinda trust me so they never asked for any of my results. yeah. so. friends? haha. all of them are in poly so if i tell them, will it mean anything to them? they will probably go "congrats!" then? i think thats abt it.

i kinda sucked in everything i do huh? realtionships sucks. i cant play netball. cant throw or catch the ball. my studies? aint that hoo-ha anymore. maybe jc was never the right path for me? AHHHH!!! i am just so beat. i just wish that somehow, when i fall asleep and wake up, my optimism will return, my cuckoo self will be back. but thats never possible right? i do not live in some magical world.

reading quizzes and storybook is my form of escape?!

@ 11:51 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.