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a smile that stays. a laugh that last. ♥

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


@ 11:04 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

because you see, this change in me is scary. i am still coming to grasp with it.

i cant stand myself. every other word that comes out of my mouth is to bitch about someone. about everyone. even myself.

you know, friends say i am a good listener. but maybe, i listen because i like to occupy myself with their problems. to cover mine up. i am afraid that without their "problems", i'll have to deal with my own. that without them, i wont have much of a personality.

i am so tired of relationships. all kinds. having always to second-guess people's words, actions, attitudes and things. feeling the need to make conversations. interacting makes me tired. but at the same time, i dont like to be left alone. when was the last time i dont have to worry about silence in a conversation? when was the last time i had someone who is willing to sit beside me while i stare into nothing-ness?

i dont know what i want. i dont know who i am.

@ 2:51 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Monday, July 30, 2007

if you want something from me, ask politely. i dont really like you. but the fact that i am being POLITE and CIVILISED when i am talking to you or asking you stuff, shows something.

oh well. maybe you are just born without that kind of genes.

and i like to keep my series to myself(: i watched the best episodes of grey's anatomy last night! hees(:

theres 2 more kind of people. one who puts down tv shows and books that they have "supposedly" read (when in reality, they havent) just to make them look knowlegable (cant spell) and "IN". the other? simple. they put down only what they have REALLY read. so what kind are you?

@ 1:48 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

i really love my nails this week(: what started off as a disaster, ended up as my best nail job EVER!


my room is pink. my bedsheets are pink. my pencil case is pink. my projectshop bag is pink. my hairband is pink. *faints* i really bought a lot of pink stuff during my pink craze huh?

and i found this at postsecret:

so yups(:


@ 10:00 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the fireworks are really pretty this year(:

i was just getting a book from my room and then i saw them. i just stood there and smiled. freaky? maybe. but fireworks and stars are just about the things that can calm me down and vanish most thoughts. and of course, once again, i wish theres someone there to share it with me. not just anyone. someone who knows how to appreciate this kinda things. someone who dont think i am stupid because i get amazed (?) by simple things.

i guess everyone is superficial. the world is superficial. and its time i live with it. instead of coming down so hard on people? maybe. but coming terms with this fact, will it make me more skeptical than i already am? more dis-trustful (o.O) than i already am?

while i was brushing my teeth, this thought popped up. how did i get so close to my council? did i make the effort? or did they? maybe they did? but i guess, its not about making an effort for me? it doesnt matter who made the effort. because i dont trust. you have to gain my trust before i start being me. before i become the looney girl i truly am. i know my og welcomes me and i want to get to know them more. but i am holding myself back because of the whole trust thing? its hard to get on in life with this kind of mentality and attitude huh? o.O emo shit. but its true.

ANYWAYS! thanks, senior gavi(: if i am right, you should be who i think you are o.O anyhows, theres this grand senior who is flying off tomorrow, i think. BON VOYAGE(:

the number of people who call me "shan" are seriously diminishing. *sigh* oh wells.

i am slowly letting go of my wish to become a SIA girl. i dont know why. i am not even fighting with myself to stop it. i am just letting it go. HOW?! maybe that was all a childish wish.

ah wells. time for bed. more emo stuff coming soon. hahahs.

@ 3:45 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

me and my habit snooping around.

so i happened to "stumble" across a grand senior blog. who happens to be some big shot of nbs paegent (cant spell). and heres what she said, "..well the girls were disappointing. I hope we do get some quality thoughotherwise i'd be slogging for nothing the entire year!!!"

i am like WTH!!!! so you were the paegent queen for your year. so what? must you say until like that?! excuse me, but you are not drop dead gorgeous either. must you sound so mean? if you think your year's quality is excellent, maybe you should think again. how can you say until like that? they are your JUNIORS after all. what happened to team spirit?!

anyways, in my opinion, all the freshies in my og are FANTABULOUS! pretty in their own ways(:

i hope adeline wins this year and show that senior. HAA!

i dont care who i offended in this entry. i just cant stand people saying such things. even if you are drop dead gorgeous like cameron diaz or something, it still doesnt give you the right to call people ugly or anything.

nbs is so superficial? maybe. i dont know. but at least i have scotchey and kl(:

@ 7:28 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sister came in moaning about her eyes again. like a spoilt kid, she expects me to stop doing whatever i was doing and sayang her. but no, i am NOT going to do that today. because the sailors are back in my stomach and i am exhausted.

so when i didnt give her attention, she tried to pick a fight with me. which i am totally in the mood for. but i am not going to do that because i always lose. why? because she will start crying and then my parents will side with her and so the story goes. so i shouted, "are you trying to pick a fight with me? if you are, i am not in the mood. get out."

she faltered. so she just mumbled something about me being rude and all. and i said, " your magazine is on my table. your cds are on my table. the remote is on my table. the remains of your breakfast are on my table. so i have enough reasons to suspect you sat on my chair, which you were totally against me buying, WITHOUT my permission. i am not going to ask about that. so get out."

she said i was rude and left the room. seriously.

now shes back in the room sighing heavily. if she thinks i am going to start asking her whats wrong, shes got another thing coming.

and cd is getting on my nerves. someone, please slap him.

you know, cd is quite a piece of work. for the first time in my life, i am acting so rationally towards a person that i had have an infatuation on. this indifference towards him. not even attempting to strike a conversation. just shoot down every attempt. oh wells.

to quote grey's , "boys are stupid."

@ 2:13 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Friday, July 27, 2007

kbox was not excellent (because the songs i know how to sing were pretty old). but it was fun nonetheless:) pictures!!

and halfway through our session samuel and eugene came and joined us(: i have to say, samuel looks better o.O hahas. oh wells. heres a classic picture of the "couple" :


played 猜拳 with cyn mabel and samuel. and i actually drank a whole cup of green tea honey lemon while playing with samuel. louya! but i won him later on(: while playing with mabel, i keep losing lahs! had to eat the green peas. yucks.

thats it(: i am having a tummyache :( and my marks and spencer's jam sandwhich are running low. i need more!


@ 3:21 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

theres 2 kinds of people - one who write testimonials for people because they really want to or one who writes testimonial for people in the hope that they will write back for them. so which kind are you?

anyways, my volunteering "stunt" turned nasty. the little girl actually lied and told her mum that i only teach when she asked me to! LIAR. *strings of vulgarities* shes the one who scolds me when i try to teach her! and shes the one who sleeps when i try! shes the one who refuses to listen when i explain. now shes lying. and her mum believes her! and apparently, her conduct in school and with her OTHER tutor is EXCELLENT. and guess what? her mum blames me for the non-improvement in her kid's results. *breathes* fine. she want to play games with me? shes gonna get HELL if they still want me to continue to teach her. watch me. ANYHOWS!


i met up with jie en today. FINALLY! ever since we left IRAS last year, we've been going on and on about meeting up and we finally did it today(:



shes very amazed that i actually take pictures in the toilet. oh wells. hahhas. now she knows! cause all of my friends are used to it. right, people?! :P

so yes, i met up with besties yesterday (no pictures though.bummer) and jie en today. who's next? havent heard from san. hmms.

ANYHOWS! THE SIMSPSONS BECKONS, MY FELLOW SPP! (:


@ 2:06 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

at the end of the day, i realised i never got out of my dark mood.

i just buried it with work, friends and activities. and i guess, i will never get out of it.

at the end of the day, i realised i am a private person. that it takes a super long time before i open up to people. before they see the real me. and not many people stick around long enough to see that.

at the end of the day, everyone will get sick of my mood swings and leave.

at the end of the day, i realised instead of feeling happier, FOC amplifies the fact that i am alone.

thanks alot.

do i have to cut away this branch? because i want it so bad to turn out well. but its not.

1.5weeks of summer left.

@ 2:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

while reading the testimonials, i wondered, "how many of them truely mean it?"

AHHHH!!!!! skeptical! i am skeptical again! bad bad bad.

i need my besties.

@ 2:07 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Monday, July 23, 2007

SCOTCHEY! i am not so mean as to put spoilers on my blog. ahhaahas.

but i can tell you if you want *wriggles eyebrows*

@ 10:22 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

not a habit of mine but i got this message on myspace:

"..i stumbled upon your profile, read it and found you rather interesting. i decided to message you to find out since i've got nothing to lose if you turn out to be boring in person. haha. now, im not the kind of guy who chats thru friendster. so it'll be nice if you could give me your email for msn.. "

firstly, this is obviously a mass copied message. because he is in myspace and not friendster. therefore, he is lying when he says that he is not the kind of guy that picks up girls online. secondly, before he knows me, he already offended me by saying that i might turn out to be boring. wtf.

*rolls eyes* in a bitchy and emo mood. weird combination.

@ 9:35 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i finally finished HP7. the front part was kinda draggy BUT the back was a different story. i was hooked(:

my first real day of holiday. no work. no school. nothing planned. i almost forgot that i had to volunteer on wednesday *opps* my bad. hahas. yes, i do feel a little empty because now i have all the free time in the world and yet no one is asking me out? but i reminded myself that once school starts, i would be engulfed in madness. so yeah. still calling for dates though(:

i had a nice chat with banana ass (think i should stop calling him that?) last night. well, we still have nothing to talk about. i updated him about everything thats been going on. and he did too. we didnt pick each other for details, just merely acknowledged (for a lack of better word) that such and such happened. yups. it was nonetheless(:

i realised i havent talked much about NBS FOC huh? well, it wasnt really fantastic. WAAAAYYY below what i expected it to be. i wont lie through my teeth and say that its fun. because its not.

pretty much felt like an outsider throughout the camp. no fault of anyone because the seniors/GLs/OGLs/Ps were all busy with their stuff (and we all know the mountain of work that needs to be done during camp, right? well, at least for those of us who had planned camps before). the freshies are very nice(: chatted with most of them but i cant, for the life of me (drama abit), remember their names. except for jia hui (who played childish game with me before and after clubbing) and a few others.

first day was sucky. second day too. third day was not too bad. played tuki tuki TUKI TUKI and that finger game (i was the first one to "die"!) with weilong, abby, alan, edelina, hongjing, adibah and a few others. laughed until we pengz. fourth day was, by far, the best(: went for food hunt and a spur of crazyness hit me and i did my hair like the freshies. photos will be posted when i get them(: and of course theres clubbing.

clubbing clubbing clubbing. first time in a club. what should i say? not what i expected? too clean. yes, i think that should describe my overall feeling. but i loved the attention given by my GLs and a few others who keep pulling me over to their side and to dance with them(: but recalling it, boy, i am embarrassed with the way i "danced" (if its even considered as dancing *hides*) and i had my first "taste" of alcohol or semi-alcohol. had coke whiskey or something along that line. first taste was just *gags* but subsequent taste are not that bad(: good news? i dont break out in hives like my sister after drinking alcohol! HOOYAH! hahas. hmmmss..the youngsters want to go mambo this wed, maybe i'll give it a skip. because to quote ber, "clubbing's one of those things that are fun to do once in a while." so yeah. maybe FOC was not fantastic because i wanted it to suck (subconciously) from the very beginning. or maybe because i dont feel any sense of ownership or belonging to it. or maybe i am just not that good with gel-ing with people in a short period of time.

i was reading testimonials of people from camp. they left testimonials for each other. declaring that camp was fun and everything. and i could feel that they REALLY mean it. i wish, with all my heart, that i felt the same way too. i want to leave testimonials too. to thank them for inviting me back to camp and so on but then again, i wondered if they will say, "thank for what? you didnt participate much! yeah right." and so i quickly close the window and dismissed the thought.

i realised that i am no longer the person who will really let go of herself and go out there and do things. i am tied/held back by what others think of me. i am actually bothered by what they say. i actually give a damn about what others think of me now. i actually adhere to it. yeah. this, i dont know how to explain. but because of this i have chosen to enclose myself in my small circle of friends? i guess.

oh wells. best og for the 3rd tiime(: spider orange gavi garnet endor syndro ommbaabaa! syndro ke mah mah!

@ 6:59 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

i had a nightmare just now.

i dreamt that people were trying to kidnap me. they were injecting me with funny chemicals that made me feel lethargic. and when i tried to get help from my parents, they just said they were helpless.

luckily, my brother switched on the tv the and woke me up.

because i was about to scream.

@ 11:35 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

maybe because i was dressed in SRJC gear today (orientation tee and FBT) but this cheer suddenly popped up:

SRJC (echo:SRJC)
SRJC (echo:SRJC)

North *4claps*
South *4claps*
East *4claps*
West *4claps*

North South *clap*
East West *clap*
Who's the best?

SR, SR is the Best

(Repeats 2nd and 3rd verse)

GOOOOOOOOO....SR!

this is the cheer that wow-ed me and san. we wanted to skip orientation. but this cheer made us stayed. it brought the house down.

but we can clearly see the divide between the student union and the OGLs. which reminded both of us the situation back in deyi - the "divide" between the councillors and the PSLs.

oh wells. i high-tailed out of that school 1.5mths later. hahas.

@ 11:43 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Friday, July 20, 2007

always tell the truth. and they wont ask questions. thats what i did during the "sharing sessio" in camp today. and my turn was over in a flash. their image of me are probably shattered after i said, "evergreen. level4." the look on some of their faces were just plai shocked. yes, i dont have to say what i say. but i choose to say it. because at that point of time i really couldnt care less.

it felt good to have arms around me again. even if its just for fun and dancing. but cognitive dissonance happened and i shrinked away because the others were blaming the guy. screwed my whole night up after all. the freshies probably think i am so frigid bitch. wtf.

@ 6:07 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

back from camp. 3 days earlier. all because of my stupid stomach cramp. i cant say that i dont like being home because thats a lie. but i am disappointed with myself for giving up and giving in. its not like i've never had this kind of stomach cramps/aches before. ever since primary school, i've had it. it will come for no reason and then leave for no reasons. as i grow older, it only occurs during camp and usually, a bottle of those tiny chinese pills would do the trick. but yeah. this time i gave in to my wimp so here i am.

just because i did what i did. and you know what you know, it doesnt mean that i will pounce on you SUDDENLY. you dont have to "avoid" me like i got plague or some incurable disease. urgh.

as i was telling scotchey through sms just now, i realised that people i've known in nbs foc are people whom i dont think i can communicate well with (for a lack of proper phrasing). well, maybe except for zongfu who really looks after me like a little sis-.- but yeah. the rest are just good for crapping but when it comes to real life, none of us could talk to each other properly. period.

i should have known from the moment you changed your answer that i shouldnt have created excuses for your behavior.

and till now, i guess theres only person who can handle my pms well.

@ 3:32 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Monday, July 16, 2007

okies. i STILL dont feel like going for camp. but i have to and i am going.

i SHOULD be staying for all 5 days. either that or i leave on friday morning from whatever chalet. but we'll see how.

i told zongfu that i dont feel like going for camp and he came up with lotsa funny reasons to make me go. lols. and he said if i ever felt left out by endor, he will come and entertain me. all together now... AWWWWW~ hahas.

sometimes i feel that people from the sister og are more aware that as a SA, i am very lost. and they update me on whats going on and so on. my og people? they adopt the "dowell-method". the throw you in the sea and force you to swim thingy. sigh.

lets hope i'll have fun yah?

and thanks ber! for sorting out what i should wear on thursday for that much dreaded night. and kelvin for offering to help me shop for clothes. but no thanks, i dont trust your taste. hahas.

wish me luck!

@ 3:36 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

they never coincide. the two feelings never do. i guess its a way of self-protection. to prevent myself from doing things that i will regret later on. so that i wont cross that line.

why i am back to feeling this way? i have no idea.

thanks, reika. for constantly assuring me that FOC will be fun. because the mood i am in now, puts me in no mood for camp.

@ 4:51 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the kind of guys i like?

are the kind that leaves in the middle of conversation. and make me wants to kill them after that.

@ 3:19 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am so tired that i dont even feel like going back for FOC.

and the thought of going clubbing on thursday is wearing me out.

please stop.

@ 2:02 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

make-up class was fun(: eye-opener and all. hahahs. and i really love my instructor. sharon(:

after make-up class, me and scotchey went to queue for donuts! 2.5hrs can?! but i feel so accomplished! and we made some "friends" while waiting! hahahs. i think we are going to do it again, 2 weeks later? with kl, hopefully.

then i met bestie to get my make -up. initially wanted to buy assorted brands? but in the end, i just stepped into m.a.c and sat down and got all of them. a little over 200 bucks. but oh wells. when i am rich again, i will try shu umera! yeah! but heres the look:

not too bad, i guess. and the lady/girl (who is 19yrs old) can actually guess that i like really sweet colours. hahas. so yeah. but i got my brushes from the face shop instead. hahahs. ohoh! i fell in love with the yellow nail polish! but i got the shimmering gold instead-.- maybe going back to get? hahahs. me and my nail polish.

so with my big box of donuts, i walked around town. and then poor bestie had to take 2 home in the face shop's plastic bag cause the stupid donut factory dont want to give us! *grumbles and mumbles* hahahs. and when i reached J8, i passed 3 to lau lau and tini(: and lau lau was like laughing non-stop cause 2 of my donuts were stuck together, one died and the others are all cramped tgth. hahas. i love them and will miss them(:

oh wells. happy day(: pre-camp tmr and donuts for ojiisan and happy-youth-day zongfu!(:

do you know what you started; i just came here to party;but now we're rocking on the dance floor, actin' naughty;your hands around my waist;just let the music play;we're hand in hand, chest to chest and now we're face to face.


@ 2:29 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Friday, July 13, 2007

going back to FOC as senior attached. maybe it wont be as fun as being a freshie. but then again, you never know. fun is created. so yeah(:

i think my ogl was about to kill me lahs. i keep changing my decision, no? hahas. then crap here and there until he requested that we become senior attached. so yeah(: and yes, i am going to help. if not, he is going to "bend me like beckham" -.-

i went to my dads shop today. nothing special. but i went upstairs today. the place where i grew up and the place where my old piano is. so i just sat down and started playing. all the self-taught songs and all(: quite nice. brings back memories. like how when the piano first arrived in my house, we were fighting over who gets to play it. and then when i see my sister struggling with her piano lesson, i stayed away from it. but then the competitive me came around and fiddled with the piano until i know where do-re-me are and such. but i STILL cant play a song-.- i dont have the musical genes in me. hahahs.

and i tried to get on my brother's kick scooter. i almost DIED. i cant balance the stupid thing. sheeessshh...give me a bike ANYTIME.

i better head off to bed. makeup class tmr *yawns*

@ 2:05 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM)

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM).


@ 7:59 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

tired. 3 hours of sleep again-.-

heading out to pass kelvin hp5 later. then tuition. then i think joshua is coming over to borrow my brother's kick scooter. hahas.

ok, i better go.

@ 3:21 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

came home from work and found that one of the shop moved. and i felt kinda sad. my parents feel the same way too. these are the people i grew up with. they watched me grow up from a chubby little girl to who i am now. they are my parents' friends and gossip partners(: to see them moved out, its really sad. i wont get to see them every morning as i go to work. *sigh*

work was fun today(: lau lau and tini keep making fun of me. at one point, the three of us laughed until we were squatting on the floor or leaning against the showcase. its time like this that i realised that i am going to miss perlini(:

happy birthday, kevin(: getting old~ 25 le o!

hahas. it was nice talking to him again(: and he actually remembers that i dont like to say good night. ahahas. thats when i was in one of my crappy mood. ahahas. oh wells.

happy day(: but i am tired.

@ 1:22 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Monday, July 09, 2007

ended work at 4pm today. had lunch then chatted with lau lau before heading to bishan library to read.


its nice reading in the library. looking out at the people outside walking with their heads down rushing off to some place. seeing all the cars zooming by outside without hearing the noise. watching the clouds getting blown by the wind. birds flying by. and hearing snitches of people's conversation.


doing all this while reading and letting my imagination run with the book. allowing my imagination to conjure up (too much harry potter) images. *blissful*


still sick though. thats why i postponed tuition. somehow i think the girl would be better off looking for another tutor. i feel bad for delaying it time and time again.


talking about tuition. you know my 12-year-old? her mum is a "liar" too. URGH. long story. maybe i'll elaborate another time.


wonder if sharon is back in singapore? shes pregnant!!! 6 months i think. omg. so exciting!! i hope she will come visit us before i leave:(


HP5 coming out! wonder if i should go watch with lau lau on thursday. hmmss...


oh wells. pictures!




thats me. using the full-length mirror. ever so vain.


some thoughts in process. later perhaps.


@ 8:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am sick and they didnt show a bit of concern. fine.

so i was happily typing away at my resume when my mum barged into my room and scold me. and guess what my sister did?! she pretend to be very affected by the lights in the room. she actually pretended she was sleeping and that i am disturbing her when in fact less than 5 minutes ago, she was talking to me! wth.

and my mum upon seeing my sister tossing and turning in her bed keep yelling at me to go to bed. and say that i am being inconsiderate and all that shit.

@ 1:30 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

meeting up with lai last friday was good. we wanted to take neoprints but then the shop was no longer there. she helped me choose my new glasses (brown! hahas. no surprise there). and i told her everything. i dont think shes angry that shes not the first person i told. but i guess, i found someone who understood. shes not my bestie for no reason(:

ojisan, you are a pig! pants on fire le! can see from here. hahas.

random-ness. but yups. something new was added to BAF. kinda lost but thank goodness, degen is there to try and clear the air (abit) and stress me with all his plans. hahas.

kenji just sent something to us about camp. i want to be fake freshies! hahas. but thats all i can decipher from the email. the rest i will figure out tmr.

@ 11:58 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

tired. which is something i shouldnt be feeling. because i slept the whole saturday away. but yes, i am tired.

and when i am tired, i am either super hyper or super down. this time? more of the latter. hahas. bad.

dont feel that i am up for FOC. but you know, i will still go because thats me. i said i will go, i will. even if it kills me. yups.

i finished prison break season 1(:

and now, i'm bored.

oh, i am such a hard girl to please. entertain. and know.

@ 3:26 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

sometimes, my junior feels more like my brother.

saw joshua last friday and the first thing he did when he saw me was to mess my hair and then pushed it back.

hahas. it felt so brotherly. but he looked damn tired! and i was sick. so we exchanged a few words and said bye.

i do miss my juniors.

@ 4:04 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its not fun to be sick.

no matter how little water i drink. i ALWAYS have the urge to pee. and because i took the medicine, i need to drink plenty of water. so imagine how bad it can get. hahas.

and then when i am working, i cant take the medicine from last time. so i take panadol cold. and if i am not wrong, panadol cold, like panadol extra, makes my hand shake. which is bad bad bad. so i am off trying not to take it. BUT! i end up sniffling the whole day.

and now, i have a headache. i need to lie down if not its as if i am having a rave party in my head and its bloody heavy. my reaction is 3 seconds behind too. awareness of surrondings? zero.

thats why i almost slipped when i was out with lai just now-.- the whole of coffee bean was looking at me lahs. cause i was making that, "wooooaoaaahhh woooaaahh...ahhh...ahh.." thing i made whenever i am about to fall. asked scotchey! she heard it before my butt travelled from the bench to the ground last time. hahas.

bad bad bad. i need to get well. if this drags on, i think i am going to be pretty dead for FOC.

@ 2:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Friday, July 06, 2007

let me emo abit (okok, i've always been emo o.O).

anyways, i think i am having pms? the p in this case stands for post not pre. hahas. i seriously have no idea. mood swings were huge yesterday. but then again, maybe its cause i am sick and tired but no one is actually giving a damn about it in my house. no question of, "how are you feeling now?" or offers of "since you are sick, why not you bathe first?".

you know, all along i think that i have a very high pain threshold. as in, whats painful to any other person might not be painful at all to me. and i've been thinking why? then i think i came up with a reason.

i dont have a high pain threshold. the difference is that i dont complain when theres pain. since young, even when i fell down and injured my knees, i am NOT ALLOWED to complain and whined or cry to my parents. even if i do whine and cry, i get ignored. the only time i get to do that is when my grandpa came over for dinner. but usually, by the time he comes over for dinner, the need to whine and cry is over.

the same for when i am sick. when i knocked my head on stuff (which happens alot in the past). when my mum canes me (while my brother and sister hide in the toilet).

so i guess this "habit" stayed with me till now. even when i have cramps that are enough to kill, i shut up and carry on like nothing happens. when i disfigured my knees during seniors' camp, i didnt yell but show it calmly to shuhui. when i have a cracking headache, i suck it up and carry on.

haa. so it's not because i have a high pain threshold but i have a habit to not tell people about the pain. if that make sense.

and when people fuss over me about the pain, i feel awkward. like during seniors' camp-.-

@ 2:52 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

there comes a time where you get sick of your friends' plus one status.

@ 8:08 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i guess anyone who knows me will always get a crash course. like "Huishan 101"-.- i dont like to dig people for information most of the times. so yeah.

that sentence dont make sense. i am half-gone.

later.

@ 1:29 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

feeling emo? maybe its because i am sick.

first time working with sharil today. and he keep calling me, "pee pee" ! grrrr...hahas. cause when joey was showingn him around the shop, i said, "remember! boyboy (the aircon) needs to pee everyday!" hahhas. but yups. we got so bored after joey left that we were throwing things at a fly-.- and then just standing around stoning with him going, "pee pee pee pee"-.-

joey is stationed at nac this month. lau lau still at j8. i hope i get to work with them for next week. since technically and hopefully its my last week in perlini(:

was feeling a little emo just now. but now, its just pure tiredness.

@ 11:39 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

feeling sick. coughing and flu. no voice now. pretty gloomy and all.

then i looked at all the pictures i have taken these 2 weeks. and i'm a little cheery.

talked to some of my friends online and i am feeling a little extra cheery.

and read my testimonials. not too bad(:

it's wrong to be cheered up by it. but its a different kind of cheer. like the "at-least-we-are-not-enemies" kind of cheer.

@ 1:57 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Monday, July 02, 2007

you start to feel old when you are no longer the youngest at your workplace. hahas. new colleagues are all younger than you-.-

anyways, i couldnt sleep last night. tossing and turning until 6am before i fell into a fitful sleep. and i woke up at 9am to go to work.

work was okay. new colleague. busy changing labels of the stocks before the stock taking session on wednesday-.- joey said she only trusted my handwriting. hahas. so i spent ALMOST the whole day writing and counting the stocks.

saw billy today! well, he walked past the store and came in and we chat for like 10? 15 minutes? it was quite nice to see him. his hong kong accent is becoming more and more obvious? weird. and he has to serve NS! omg. hahas. but glad that he is doing things he like to do. photography, singing and dancing(: and according to him, i havent change one bit. wonder if thats good or bad. but then again, when i am in my purple glasses and pink hairband, i do look like i am back in secondary school the nerdy, messy look. not that i ever got out of the messy look. nerdy, yes. but messy? i dont think so. hahas. besties and SPP can vouch for that.

if everything go according to plan, i am going to make new glasses on friday(: no more kiddish purple spec! i am thinking should i continue to get daily contact lens? or monthly ones? hmms~

oh yeah. my brother came and said hi to me today. i was on the phone with a customer (who strangely sound like the one who made those harrassing phonecalls last month). so it took me quite a while to recognise that its my brother. urgh. my ability to multi-task is falling! so guys, if one day, i walk past you and DONT recognise you, please dont be shy. SHOUT my name out loud. hahahs.

@ 11:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

from prison break-

hooke's law becomes hooker's law.

and it make sense. "..if you poke the exact right holes in something big and strong, it becomes very weak.."

@ 1:33 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

so my dad drove me J8 so that i can go and pick up the keys for tmr.

and when i came home, i seriously dont know what i did. maybe its just the pure presence of me but my mum starts yelling at me. being sarcastic and all.

i have no idea what i did to offend her. i am sick and i didnt even bother her about it. i take my own medicine and everything. i dont go to her and whine about the pain in my legs like my sister. or flare my temper at her like my brother. so, i seriously have no idea what i did to offend her.

and i thought maybe my brother or sister made her angry while i was out. but no, she was nice to them.

i just want to cry. what did i do wrong again?

@ 10:19 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.


@ 4:55 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

我不能忍受 我想委屈的念头
在沸腾的街 用力的开口
我不要吵吵闹闹 我要乾脆 完就完了
不再难过 你给的太少
我不要缠缠绕绕 我要痛快 剪断苦恼
爱走了剩下疲劳
我不要搂搂抱抱 我要安静不被打扰
放我孤单 对我才最好
我知道不是现在 但有一天我会很好
或许能再和你笑著聊

this i posted in june this year. this i read while thinking about stuff.

thats when i realised that no, i am not stepping into it again. at least not so soon. so no more talks about cd. i dont care how good a person cd is. but no means no. if theres one thing banana ass taught me is that i am not firm enough. so its time i dig my foot into the ground and stay firm. so ber, no more. talk about the weather if i ever do start talking about anything close to it.

better off alone than with youanyone.

now i've got zoo out of my system *grins* i still have night safari and the oh-so-elusive clubbing. night safari can wait. but i really do want to get clubbing out of my system before school starts. hopefully the plan with kl, gina and scotchey will work out? if not, i think it will be stuck in my system till god-knows-when.

so people asked, "do you club?" and me being me, will always tell the truth. i wont conjure up some mambo jumbo. so i always say,"nopes. never been to one. haa." normal?

well...their reply will inadvertly be either a) "why not?! you will love it!" or b)"so guai". the first response still not that bad. thanks to banana ass who used to say it all the time. but response b? i feel like kicking the person. why?

because it make me sound so "nerdy". and everything else. not going to elaborate. but the bottomline is that a person dont have to club to be considered as wild/un-guai. i know because i have done things that some clubbers wont do.

and thats how i like it to be.

i can already feel the spiralling of my mood. i thought i have had it with trying to prove to people that i am not as innocent as i look, that despite being open to stuff i am not a slut. but here i am again. trying to do all these. what all way to start july.

happy youth day, my darlings.

@ 3:19 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

looking through some of my photos. and i realised that its really easy to tell from the pictures when i am really really happy or when i am having cognitive dissonance (in psychological terms).

maybe it will start to go downhill from here. because what goes up, must come down right?

but i'm really glad that at least i was up there.

@ 2:52 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.
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