time adds fluff to memory(:

the girl who screamed while her dad catches the beetle.

i was opening the windows in my room when i noticed a black lump at the corner of my window sill. took a closer look and realised it's a dead beetle!! it died before it entered my room! thank goodness. but problem! i have to clear it :(

so when my dad came home, i dashed out of the room and asked him to help. him, being the brave soul that he is, used his BARE HANDS and threw the beetle out of the window. i was screaming, "eeww ewww eewww" the whole time.

then i remembered that someone killed a cockroach with his bare hands *runs for cover* imagine the amount of cockroach juice on the hands! *faints*

--

anyhows, accounting is frustrating. i cant get the answer for question 4b and i dont understand question 5 at all ): sigh.

i am pissed with my investment project. because it's really KNS! i am pretty okay with being chucked the new stuff at the last minute (and thus causing my previous effort to go to waste), but the person sent me a really rude email just now.

i am doing the psychology part. and to him, it's NOT IMPORTANT but it has to be in the report for well-rounded-ness. he thinks it's EASY to pick personality to suit the stupid technical analysis is it? i would like to see him try. i HATE his disregard for anything that a) doesnt concern his GPA and b) has nothing to do with the banking industry OR soccer.

FUCK IT! (sorry:S) it will be over by monday *chants*

i need a hug. no. i need a constant flow of hug while i do the bloody report tomorrow. hopefully it will only take me up to 6pm.

i want to go to IKEA. i want to go to Night Safari. and most importantly, i want to LAUGH and SWING high up into the air. oh and a smile that will stay.

@ 3:02 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

2nd post for the day (is 2 post per day too little?!)

last accounting lecture(: as usual, scotchey and i tend to talk WAY too much during the last lecture. hahas. so yes, we yakked away like nobody's business and then feeling STRESS that we have barely paid attention. but hey! there were interlude. and during interlude, we listened and wrote down important stuff okay?(:

i was being volleyed back and forth this morning. being the messenger of my mum, my brother and my sister. haiyo! passing message from my mum to my brother. then from my brother to my mum. then interpreting my brother's hand action to my sister and etc. THEN! i had to go downstairs and warned my dad that the volcano at home is about to erupt. before rushing off to catch my bus. *shakes head* just another day in the life of a middle child(:

and i keep hitting my head today): on the train, while watching tv and EVEN when i am walking out to the living room. *klutz*

oh yeah! heres some bumper sticker i found on facebook(:

i like(: hehe. okays, off to do my accounting tutorial.

all these giving is making me tired yet i love it. but somehow, a part of me is screaming out for some receiving.

@ 7:10 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am going to limit myself to 2 posts per day. *determined*

i am rather pissed about investment project. i did my part. then he went to removed the part and chucked me 2 more. and he only "told" me last week!! then today, he went to send an email to everyone and put "no information yet." under the sections i am supposed to be in charge of. i am like WTH! i am angry >:|

*chants* mazillion hugs, mazillion hugs.

i am going to "celebrate" after monday is over!

today was the last BF212 seminar. my quiz was okay. i was careless :( so byebye A+ *waves* but oh wells. this sem i got to know quite a lot of people((: andrew, jun bing, brain and etc. nice people(: andrew and jun bing (the seow brothers) are really funny. they make BF212 fun for me! hahahs. oh wells(:

i asked for peer evaluation for accounting because i have had it up to here *points to chin level* and the seow brothers were behind me while i typed. it was only after i pressed the send button that andrew said, "WAIT! i think you sent to all the instructors!" and if you happen to be in FAL at that time, i am pretty sure you can hear a loud, "OH SHIT!" -.-

oh wells.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ONG HUI JUAN!!!!!!!

@ 1:10 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i cannot believe i just spent 3 hours reading chapter 14 of investment! and i am not done yet. i still have like 50 pages more! the chapter is thick!!

i am so dead. i HAVE to a) finish reading chapter 14, b) do investment project and c) start on accounting.

if i have nightmares about cockroach, someone is going to get poked;p

for now, it's bedtime.

for a moment, i thought i was back in summer and i almost whisked off to his house. but school was in the way. so thank goodness? dont go back, woman!

@ 3:04 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just finish bathing.

plonked down in front of my investment textbook and lappy. and this wave of tiredness sets in. i really really feel like sleeping.

i have the feeling to cry. the feeling that it's going to hard for me to laugh this coming week.

i need a hug): damn.

why are guys so thick? those who are suppose to stay out of my life are intruding. vice versa. guys are stupid. throw rocks at them-.-

@ 11:43 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

today is most definitely wasted. i overslept by 2 hours and woke up at 1pm. tsktsk.

studied maths, watched 福满人间, read "The Time Traveler's Wife" and now trying to start on my investement tutorial from 3 weeks ago. i need to touch on my investment project as well. *sigh*

anyhows, some quotes from the book:

"...But you know: you know that if I could stay, i I could have gone on, that I would have clutched every second..."

"...Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.."

sappy! hahas. but oh wells. next book is a bimbotic one but hopefully it's as good as the first 4 books - Shopaholic and Baby!

@ 9:45 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

because at the end of the day, i think i am going to be okay.

with or without hugs.the accounts receivable are just something that makes me laugh and smile(: regardless whether it will become bad debts or not. and thats enough.

thought that counts? hahas. and i always have my dusty elmo!

and banana ass is at it again. wah lao eh. someone kick him for me can? scare him away or something. *grumbles* i need a human punching bag so bad!

microsoft office 2007 is freaking cool!! but the hole it creates in my pocket is "cool" too. this is an out-of-pocket expense.

other dancers may be on the floor. dear, but my eyes can see only you. only you have that magic technique. when we sway I go weak.
i love that song(:

@ 1:58 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.
Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.
And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.
You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio and

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

@ 1:23 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this should be a pretty light entry(:

woke up at 6.30am today only to realized that i have miscalculated the time i need to be awake. tried to go back to sleep but alas! i couldn't. so i just nuar-ed in bed till 7.30 before dressing in a hurry and it's outta door and head for school(:

the professional code and ethics seminar was pretty boring. practically no one was paying attention. yiling, joanne and i were playing and experimenting with jun bing's graphic calculator. man! that calculator is WOW! it can transpose a matrix, inverse a matrix and do things to a matrix that i have never seen before. *whistles* we practically talked all the way through the seminar(it is more like a lecture though).

during lunch, joanne and andrew was super funny. yiling and i were laughing so hard that we couldn't get the food into our mouth. laughed quite abit(: which is nice.

had our quiz and then home-bound!

came home and found my grandaunt and granduncle (ie my dad's aunt and uncle) in the shop. they are visiting from hongkong!(: and the thing is, even though they live so far away, they know which university i am studying in, which course i am doing and which year i am in. i was so shocked but happy(: because even my cousins who live in singapore don't know where i am studying but they do! apparently, their daughter found me on the website and yeah(:

i was telling them i want to be a SIA girl after graduation. and their reaction really cheered me up a gazillion times(: they were super supportive! and they keep digging up names of relatives (my dad's cousins or their daughter-in-laws' cousin etc) who are/were air stewardess and asked me questions that are relevant to the industry. and most importantly, they don't think that i am crazy. they dont think that being an air stewardess is synonymous to being a high class waitress. they actually think that an air stewardess is a respectable and challenging job(((: they told me to go for it! and that if i ever fly to hongkong next time, they will treat me to yum cha(:

and while i was in the shop talking to my grandaunt and granduncle, several other neighbors who watched me grew up came in too (today is meet up day?)! they were all so surprised that i am so big now and that i am actually 20! hahas. and of course, being the uncles and aunties that watched me grew up, they dont call me huishan. they call me shan shan. *runs away* this nickname makes me smile and embarrassed at the same time. hhees;p

yups. so here i am. i missed my 福满人间 but i am happy(: kinda. not happy happy but well..happy enough. hees.

oh yeah. professor lee hon sing is so cute!! heres the email he sent us:

"Hi guys,

Thanks for a wonderful seminar. You guys were great today. You guys were very much what I think about everyday, so it was very nice to see all of you in the same LT together. It feels like a great family gathering in which everyone has come "home". I'll say when all the finance people are in the house, the LT rocks! ;) Everything was so spontaneous: all the "huhs" during the lecture and the "silent" self-clap when our answers were correct :P Haha you guys should share your funny handphone ring tone with me some time, so that I can pass down through the generations. And most of all I am impressed (!) by how efficient you guys cooperated and handed up the scantron sheets quickly today. It must be a LKC-LT record for the fastest collection of scripts! BAF rules! ;)

We should do this kinda gathering more often and under less stressful conditions. You guys gave me such a big smile that it is still on my face as I type. I'll keep you guys informed as the scores are processed on Monday. And I'll tell you more about the Great BAF survey! :P though you'll be most welcome to go ahead with the survey as well. Take good care, and have a FABULOUS weekend! :) Keep that good luck smiley with you!

Best Regards,
Lee Hon Sing"

so sweet right?(:

i am afraid. afraid that something will come along to spoil my day.
i still want to vanish for a day. with someone who can make me laugh.
just let me have that one day of laughter. make me smile, wont you? make me laugh.

@ 6:36 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

relationships are getting so complicated these days.

some people stay in a relationship because they have been together for a very long. even though the feelings are gone. even though the other person is treating them like shit.

some people stay in a relationship because the person can provide them with financial stability and the person treat them well. but the feelings are not there.

some people stay in a relationship because everyone else around them is in one.

some people can BE in a relationship but when they have troubles/problems, they run to someone else.

some people can BE in a relationship but still continue to cast their fishing lines. hoping to get someone better.

i dont know. are all relationships so tiring? so complicated? seeing all these "cases" are not helping me and my skepticism.

was reading through my post last year.

i am so angry. so angry with myself (what's new?!) and banana ass. and i realised..

i hate people who knows the effect of their actions are misleading and still continue to do it. because to them it's fun.

i hate people who toy with people's feelings (may they rot in hell).

i hate people who tell lies (this is nothing new because for me, everyone is a liar unless proven otherwise).

his lies were so damn obvious. one after another after another after another. i was so god damn bloody blind (excuse the swearing). i keep coming up with excuses after excuses after excuses to cover up for those lies. how can i be so dumb and STILL keep on falling deeper and deeper?

and the prime reason why i hate him so much is that he made me TRUST him, pull me out of the skeptical hole i was in, brought out my gooey side and then break that trust and pushed me right back into the hole.

i am okay now. okay being that i am WAY OVER him (but am still subjected to talking about how much i hate him) and WAY OVER how his lies made me feel. i am still as skeptical (actually, i am MORE skeptical) as ever and still hiding in that little hole. keeping to myself until i have known people for a prolonged period of time.

lesson learned. lies have multiplier effect (too much investment!). there is never just ONE lie. if someone ever lies to you, stop listening to that person. if you ever find yourself making excuses for those lies/excuses, tell me. i will shake you until you wake up. feel free to do it for me if i ever fall to that stage. yups.

i hate my gooey side. for being gooey means i am weak. i am vulnerable. maybe thats why i am never attached. for that, i dont want to fall in love. i dont want to fall in like. no, sir. (gooey side is saying, "thats a lie in some many ways!').

to some extent, because of what happened with banana ass, i lost my way with words. i stop telling people my worries, my troubles, my thoughts. i stopped. and because of that i lost the ability to express myself. the ability to comfort my friends. and i start burying my feelings, my problems.

i don't want to be there when it's time for excavation.

@ 3:25 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sister came into my room and asked in a really surprised way, "you are listening to chinese songs?!!!!" as i was reading my investment (i am finally starting on my 7weeks worth of tutorials), i said nonchalantly, "yah." she replied, " omg. thats so weird!" -.-

i do have my cheena days too! i don't always listen to english songs. even though they tend to be more conducive for studying. no idea why(:

my eyes are tired. they are always tired. and i get so sleepy because of that! boo!

school tomorrow:( 10 to 3.30pm. i will miss my 福满人间！！ booboo:( but oh wells. what else can i do?

i have a craving for andersen's ice-cream. maybe i'll pop by JP on monday to get some. well, subjected to how my quiz goes.

dont expect deep thoughts here anytime soon. my brain overworked as it is. hees.

i often wonder if it's better to keep the pain inside or turn it into anger. either way, we are all broken people.

@ 2:48 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok, i promised stelly that i will tell her if i am going back to work during december by this week. but till now, i still cant decide!!!!!

i can think of a gazillion reason why i shouldnt go back. like how i dont want to work for the 3rd year in the row for my birthday!

i have 2.5 reasons why i should go back. i love the people there(: and seriously, their full time pay now is mind boggling! and with that money, i can used it to last me through at least 6 months! hahaas. the 0.5 reason? hmm..what if no one asked me out during my birthday? then i will be better off working right?

how?! someone tell me how:(

i have school tomorrow. *faints*

@ 11:25 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

HSM2 was gay. but i am a sucker for musical. so not too bad.

it's a war between the gooey me and the single me. that partly explains the emo part.

i want to spend a day in the sun. or maybe go to the playground and sit on the swings. or just go to the bird park/night safari. but who's going to do that with me?

@ 2:39 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just scroll to the end of the post!!

i should be going to bed soon.

anyone who knows me knows that i dont sleep so early. but i dont know. i am just so drained of energy today. so drained of everything.

i was still feeling pretty alright in the morning. but when psycho lect ended and i got on the bus, exhaustion starts flooding in. my arms ache. my legs ache. my eyes are dry. my bag seemed to weigh a mazillion tons. i tried so hard to keep myself awake from boon lay to jurong east. but once i entered the train at jurong east, i dozed off. oh wells.

came home. gastric pain. it really is scary. it's just like what joey told me. it hurts REAL bad. from your stomach to that point just below your chest.

i am stuck in this really bad mood that i refuse to get out. the cheeky grin didnt work. jianchong's jokes didnt work. and whats worse?! banana ass came and talked to me when everyone is logging off. and it's a downward trend from there.

seriously, i am just a basket case. enough of your weak side. get lost!

i want to escape back into summer. where work didnt matter. and i lost my mind and did the only thing that helped me escaped. i just stopped. but its back.

if my hero never comes to me, can i run away and hide?
if i can dont care, then i wouldnt fall.
i wish i didnt want a hug or a shoulder to lean on so badly.
i dont need a listening ear or anything. i just need someone to sit there and wait while i sort out my thoughts.

just a realisation, my crush only ever like me after i dont like them. it was like that for susanto and now, banana ass. haa. funny. whatever.

life keeps getting in the way. i get my hopes up and watch them fall each time. i am just feeling emo. in a bad mood that i refuse to get out of. the cheeky grin made me smile (as always) but i just banished myself back into bad-mood-territory.

oh and scotchey, i found you! told you i still remember de. how can i forget such a silly name? haha. now you cant bitch on me le! blehs~

i want my accounts receivable!(: and a cup of coke (with extra ice) as well? make it pronto! hayaku ;p

@ 12:36 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

like owner, like lappy. my lappy has just threw one helluva royal tantrum today. first, it refuses to connect to the internet last night. then i sent it for reformatting. then! it behaved! then! it started throwing a tantrum again. i cant connect again! so i had to bring it downstairs and asked a neighbour to help me. and when i came back, it conects again! *sigh* but the good news is! i am back up(: i love my lappy(:

i think i am having gastric pain again. i can feel my stomach churning and churning. like someone is stirring the gastric juices in me. i am so freaking tired now.

sometimes, i am just so angry with myself. why so weak? why so prone to falling sick?
sometimes, i am angry because i wish i could stop being so bloody independent in front of my parents. even when i am crumbling and falling, i smile, i laugh and i joke with them. like nothing's wrong.

sometimes, i am angry with myself because out of nowhere, i have this yearning to be attached. to be able to care for someone. to have someone to care for me.
sometimes, i am angry with myself because when small things happen, i have the urge (and i tend to act on it) to sms my friends. to kajiao them. i wonder if they ever find me irritating.

sometimes, i am angry with myself for reasons i dont even know.
sometimes, i am angry that i am being weak.

whatever.

what do i want now? do have banana ass to leave me alone. and let me go. just let me go.

nowadays, these past week i am mainly angry with myself because i am turning goo again. not for banana ass. but for someone else. that is BAD NEWS.

but my heart just cant hold back. it's the way you make me feel.

@ 9:06 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am so angry now, steam is probably coming out of my ears and nose.

cant you just leave me alone?! get the message! i dont reply you. i dont talk to you. i am missing on msn but online in myspace. isnt it obvious that i DONT LIKE you and that i am blocking you?

yes, ok. you told me you like like me. i get it. i dont like like you ok?! do you want me to SPELL it out for you? stop giving me virtual kisses (or whatsoever) in myspace, msn, facebook and friendster. stop stop stop. i dont even want to be linked to you.

stop giving both my friends and your friends that we are TOGETHER. that was so last year. and if you think i am going to like you again so we can have a happily ever after, then i think you are seriously delusional and better check into a mental hospital soon.

dont make me turn nasty on you.

i so need to yell. i so need to hit/throw. i so need a hug.

@ 12:18 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i was having lunch (and taking a break from accounting) when this idea struck me:

hahas. ripped it off from a bumper sticker on facebook(:

@ 5:19 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am feeling giddy every now and then. it feels like i have just turned ten rounds-.-

tian ah. and i just spent 45minutes doing the wrong method for accounting. *growls*

it's always nice to hear "old" songs on radio. i love "Shakespeare in Love"! i remembered writing the lyrics and then singing it over and over again on my bulky discman(:

he's fought and his fallen. he's on his knees before he's on his feet.

i have to re-emphasize this AGAIN. my name is HUISHAN not hui shan or HuiShan. the names are together. huishan! hahas. i have no idea why it bugs me so much. but IT DOES! when i went to collect my contact lens, they wrote my name as hui shan. and then i saw someone linked me as HuiShan-.- nooooooo... people, get it right. or i'll personally poke you in the eye. hahas. *roars*

i am okay now. fruitips make me happy(: such a kid*tsk tsk*

@ 1:46 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i bought muffins to school today(: one for juan, one for sampat king and one for scotchey (kinda). hahas. yups(: i have no idea why. but i woke up today and i felt like buying things for my friends(: hees. i guess, i think i just want to say, "JIAYOU, PEOPLE!" juan was so surprised when i passed the muffin to her(:

ohoh! and i brought my camera to show juan my room(: she cant remember how my room looks like-.- oh wells. let me show you my room:

the overview(part of it) of my room

my table (which juan loves).
yes, my soft toys occupy half of it(:

and my corkboard. just decorated!
(i need new pictures!!!)

yups(: thats about it. my table is big enough for two people to study-.- anyone wants to come over? o.O

anyways! i still cant push scotchey! grrr..i must do it before our last lecture!! *sigh* if we do manage to go on exchange, i think the probability of us having the same class is near zero:( if i dont take AB311 in smu next sem, please reserve your 213 for me ok?! and i am most probably taking AB214 in ntu. so reserve your 214 for me too. ok?!

we are supposed to take a sampat family picture today. but sampat king refuse to take with us-.- but me and sampat queen mother took one. here it is(:

somehow i like this picture eh. very us-.- i am always the one making a fool of myself while she just stand there and laugh-.- hahahs. blehs. scotchey!! ai ni o~

@ 12:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

have you ever felt the need to escape? i do. now. this very moment.

my days are okay recently. i am smiling and laughing more than usual. so why the sudden need to escape?

maybe because i dont want to stay and have days where i dont laugh. i dont smile. i want to end on a high note and that kind of rubbish.

i hate to smile because someone made me happy. i hate to laugh because someone said something funny. because what happens after they leave? i dont laugh. i dont smile. but i have already known whats it is like to smile. to laugh. 我不要怀念。

someone here referring to everyone in general. but i love to smile. i love to laugh. whatever.

maybe i am experiencing adrenaline deficiency. frankly, the past few days, i am just surviving purely on adrenaline. i was happy. and being happy makes me feel like a superwoman. feeling like a superwoman makes me think that i can study late into the night. studying late into the night makes me tired. and blah blah blah.

guys, be careful when talking to me. i might just throw a tantrum. i think i am trying to push people away again. i want people to leave me on MY terms. beware?

so yes. i am tired. i am emo. i am on the verge of crying. the tears refuse to fall.

i think i need a hug. a real one.
but why is it that a little part of me is screaming that hugs wont work this time?
好想谈恋爱。一场像雨后的彩虹。短暂，美丽。
谈恋爱？*dry laughs* who the hell am i kidding？
you can shut up now, blue emo monster.

@ 6:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i overslept!!

i planned to wake up at 9.30am to do my accounting. i woke up at 9am, waiting for my handphone to ring. then nuar all the way till 10.30am-.-

my mum is very bad! she came in and said, "eh! 11 le lehs!" i literally jumped! and when i checked my clock, i realised it's only 10. and guess what my mum did? she laughed all the way back to the kitchen. blehs~

i just saw on yahoo that J.K Rowling revealed that Dumbledore is gay. i'm like, HUH?! the story ended! let it end. why would you want to say that a certain character is gay when a)it's not necessary, b)it doesnt affect the storyline (unless you want to imply that theres something incest going on between harry potter and dumbledore c) you might be destroying the image of your book and d)the story is OVER (move on!)! the next thing you know, shes going to reveal that Hermione is aneroxic, Harry has a drinking problem and Ron turned punk -.-||||

okok, i better salvage whats left of my time before i have to get ready for school. GO GO JIAYOU!

i like to smile(: wont you keep on making me smile?(:
when you're hurt. when you suffer. i'm your angel undercover.

@ 10:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i cant wait for my dental checkup this month. because i hate the color of my braces. remind me that yellow is a definite no no for braces.

ok, the evil me is stirring (someone stop it!).

i just thought of something to torture that slacker in my accounting group. i think i should give him a choice. do you want to suffer every week (by coming to school and embarrassing himself) or peer evaluation?

then again, i better go check if the period for peer evaluation is over or not.

whatever. i am tired.

i used to throw tantrum. in school. real bad. but i am okay now(:

@ 1:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

nbs has a new student longue(:

but the first thing that came to mind was...another dating venue for lovebirds-.-

okok, thats the second. the first was, "it's gonna be damn crowded."

oh wells.

@ 12:01 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

back from meeting sivan, prem and cynthia(: no pictures taken but it was nice(:

i will probably see prem 2 years later because the last time i saw her was back in J2. oh wells(:

now i am tired:( hey gorgeous! is in 10 minutes and i havent start on my accounting! i am so screwed-.-

@ 11:48 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

scotchey, if you are reading this, please bring an umbrella and plenty of mouthwash tomorrow. i am going to say something that will surprise you. and totally out of character. so yes, it might rain tomorrow. so to everyone reading this, bring an umbrella! you've been warned-.-

it takes a super duper uber long time for me to warm to people. but! there are exceptions like scotchey and sampat king-.- i have no idea what happened when i met them but i was totally noisy and myself ever since the first day i met them. dont you all feel lucky, sampat family? even during secondary school, i was pretty quiet on the first few days then i erupted-.- the longest i ever took to warm up? hmm..the full-time-2/7-part-time-2/8-people. it took months! i didnt warm up to bestie until after the beijing trip (and we were roomies lahs!) (: lols. so...i guess, to most of my uni friends, i am quiet-.- *see people dying from laughter on the floor* thanks ah..

maths class was okay. my professor actually remembers my name *faints* he was handing back our quiz and he called my name and even before i have time to react, he handed the paper to me-.- i got B+. pretty please with it(:

andrew asked me, "do you know who edmund (my investment professor) is?" blehs! i think investment is the first class which i have skipped 3/4 of the time! as a result, i am 7 tutorial behind. i think if i do turn up, edmund will be very surprise o.O hahas.

i got my correction fluid and foolscap paper(: at last! if i have to do another maths tutorial without them, i will probably die (excuse the drama).

i saw my grams(: hahas. she was standing at the back of the shop and when i called her, she was so happy to see me. lets do it together. 1,2,3. awwwww~ hahas. and i gave her a side hug(: no..she doesn't do a proper hug. it's like when you put your arm around a person kind of "hug". hahas. oh wells(:

okay. heading out soon. meeting prem, sivan and cynthia for dinner(: should i bring camera? hmmms.

and i have been looking for this song for quite some time and jianchong found it. thanks(:

Bitch
by Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
Your so good to me, I know
But I cant change
Tried to tell you but you looked at me
Like maybe Im an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how youd be so confused
I dont envy you
Im a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean youll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And Im going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today wont mean a thing

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

Just when you think you got me figured out
The seasons already changing
I think its cool you do whatcha do
And dont try to save me

Im a bitch
Im a lover
Im a child
Im a mother
Im a sinner
Im a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Im your hell
Im you dream
Im nothing in between
You know you wouldnt want it any other way

Im a bitch
Im a tease
Im a goddess on my knees
When youre hurt
When you suffer
Im your angel undercover
Ive been numb
Im revived
Cant say Im not alive
You know I wouldnt want it any other way

@ 6:22 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realised that investment is having its last seminar THIS WEEK. which means presentation is NEXT WEEK. my professor speed up one seminar and i forgot! *faints* i just went to count the number of tutorials that i am behind and i realised i am SEVEN WEEKS (including this week's) behind. *panic*

how many more days to exams? a month?! are you kidding me?

ok. i cannot be stress. CANNOT. must regain my calm composure. heres the plan for tomorrow: (even if i am dying from flu) go for maths. go and buy correction fluid (very important!). collect storybook from bishan library. go home. plan study plan. read accounting textbook. do accounting tutorial (at least finish the textbook question). sleep.

ok. i have tomorrow planned. *breathes* i can do this. we can do this!

who wants to go on a study retreat with me every weekend? *hollers* looking for weekend study partner aka lets-have-no-life-together partner!!

okok. i better go to sleep. the flu medicine is kicking in.

as long as it makes me smile, i will reframe from analyzing it(: despite the time rush/pressure, i'll always have time for my friends and hugs(:

@ 2:25 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this happened just now.

sis: "whats 114 times 14?"

me: *press calculator* 1596.

sis: "whats the answer?"

me: *checks newspaper* omg! you got it correct!!!!!! *squeals and claps*

then my sister starts jumping and saying, "yeah! i know how to do!!"

my mum came into my room, and asked, "what happened?"

me: "ah jie knows how to the PSLE question!!!"

my mum: *laughs*

me and my sis continued to celebrate. lols.

-----
anyways! THE bestie called(: she went overseas without telling me! but she made it up by calling me once she reached the causeway! (((:

@ 12:59 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this happened yesterday. sivan was telling me how prem probably meets cyn more than she meets her.

me: i dont even care about her remember? i dont even want to hear news about her.

sivan: well yeah. but you miss her right?!

me: *pause and stared at sivan* yeah. i dont care about her but i miss her.

hahas. i'm such a lousy liar and actor. i cant even pretend that i dont care about someone without someone noticing-.-

@ 8:55 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

been sneezing the whole day. i think my nose is going to drop off.

woke up early intending to do my homework. but! the stupid nose (and teeth. i will not use those old rubber bands!) made me so tired that i drifted in and out while trying to read my maths notes. and then it was time for lunch and my favorite show of the week.

then talked to my brother (who will taking his O's tomorrow) about what to expect and some "pep-talk" . then before i know it, it's 7.15pm *faints*

now my throat is itchy, i am sweating and my nose is running. the yuckiest situation anyone can ever be in. *mumbles grumbles*

the re-appearance of that someone is stirring something that i just managed to locked up. very bad. i wish he could be buried in work and never come online just like he had been the past month or so.

whatever the case, i better start on my maths. think through my investment project, come up with a plan, type them out and send to degen because i doubt i will be going for investment tomorrow. and i am not ready to face the person who cheated during maths quiz. not yet.

which reminds me, i must message that slacker in my accounting class to do the tutorial this week. i dont care i have to clear up the mess afterwards. i want to torture him. i mean, hey! you are getting FREE grades and everyone knows theres no free lunch in this world right? so i am going to make him come to class every thursday and embarrassed himself (who ask him to not do the presentation himself?). childish and cruel maybe. but i dont care.

okok, i better go.

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars

@ 7:11 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

okay, i have uploaded 1/4 of the pictures in my lappy. *phew* the link is under my profile(:

saw tungtat twice in school. but i didnt call out to him. hahas. just in case he cant recognise me-.- i mean, i did change quite a bit. the last he saw me i was having short hair, short fringe and with toot-ish specs. hahas.

my dad told me my grams didnt go to church today cause shes not feeling well. and she refused to come down and have lunch with my dad. worried. must find time this week to help out in the shop and talk to her(:

i think i am going to fall sick. while walking sivan, mabel and jianchong to the bus stop, this overwhelming wave of exhaustion hit me. my brain was practically screaming, " stop moving! stop stop!" while i just keep pushing on. but when we reached the stairs, i gave up (weakling!) and said bye to them. rushed home and quickly sat down.

feeling super unwell now. and my face is pale as a sheet. how?!

i think i should abandon maths and go to bed? o.O

where's my chicken soup? i need someone to take care of me for now. because ~~i cant~~ i dont want to. i rather be caring for others than myself. *sigh* i need to do some spontaneous thing to jerk me awake.

@ 2:07 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

2nd time in a day that i am hearing samantha mumba's "Always Come Back To Your Love"!!

bring back nice memories(: dance practice after school in the classroom. leaving the music playing and just anyhow dance. performing during audition for teachers' day. then performing (the same dance) for my guides test. THEN performing (the same dance) for the elderly(:

i still remember the dance steps. well, part of it. hahas. it's been 6 years! can you believe it?(:

i swear i am going to learn dance next year! (provided i have the cash). mabel, on?! hahas.

if i dont have the moolahs, i guess i can always bully my sister into teaching me keyboard FOR FREE! hahas. i can sacrifice and be her guinea pig. or i can ask her to bring me to her workplace and teach me drums! idea right? lols.

bad boys on their best behavior.

@ 1:02 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

slept at 4plus last night. heard the birds chirping and somehow they always remind me of what i did during summer. but oh wells. lets just say, there wont be any repeat of that summer thingy. probably.

anyhows. handphone went off at 11.30 and i lazed in bed till 12noon before i dragged my lazy bum out of bed, had breakfast and plonked down on the table to do my maths. 2 tutorials (week 10 and week 11) in 4hrs. i still have one more tutorial to go (for maths). then theres still about 5 weeks worth of investment *faints*

seriously, i need to clear one day and then go hide somewhere and catch up with my investment. anyone want to join me? hahas.

righto. the girls are coming over soon. lai still havent reply me. i'm kinda worried.

bestie, please dont let your self-esteem affect us:( so what you went to poly? so what we are different? so what if people tend to compare us? i am in NTU, so what? it doesnt mean that i am smarter than you. *sigh* i'm worried.

okies. signing off.

@ 6:18 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

~~pictures from sunday (cyn's birthday celebration):~~

too troublesome-.- uploading all of it in multiply(:

shall post the link soon!!

and! he just pisses me off more and more. he msned me. i took some time to replied since i was reading. and when i replied, he said, "why took so long to reply? you replied too late le. i am going off to bed." he made it sound like it's my lost. and since when do i report to you? i dont need to reply to you instantaneously. i have no interest to make small talk with you.

dont get me wrong. if it's someone else asking me why i took so long to reply, i wont mind. but him? haa! he dont have the right to. and everyone knows why.

i should just block him. i really should. but i dont like to block people. grrrr...

sometimes i want to take "revenge". toy with his feelings just like how he used to do to mine. but then again, whats the point? why should i stoop to his level? he's a jerk. i'm not.

sometimes i find myself thinking that it wouldnt be so bad to run back to him. to just bridge back the weird relationship i had with him. just for the hugs, the punching bag and someone to be unreasonable to. but when i find myself thinking about this, i feel like slapping myself. kicking myself. chopping myself. (i know, ber and a few of my girls will want to join in too!) and then i banish those thoughts away.

no way am i going back. i can survive MY PMS on my own. i can be stress without being unreasonable. and i can survive without a punching bag and without hugs. not like he is a great hugger anyway. i dont need a player like him.

besides, i have ONE account receivable. lols.

okay, back to BF212(:

@ 1:39 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i guess it's time i grew up and not get so heat up about cheating and shit. just accept that these kinda things happen. maybe i should listen to the phrase i always say, "shit happens."

whatever.

my mum told me she suspects that my grams seem to be having problem controlling her bladder. and that she (my grams) dont have appetite these days. *sigh* worrying.

i realised it IS a seasonal thing. maybe.

but i wish someone was around for me to use as a punching bag. make me laugh. then give me a hug afterwards. no question asked. oh wells. i'll survive.

@ 11:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am super pissed now.

fuck lah. people actually passed the maths quiz paper around. and not only that, supposedly A students actually accepted the paper, took it home and tried to solve it. not just that! they dont even bother to hide it! they just brought it into class with the solutions all worked out.

and when people saw it, they dont even have the decency to act guilty lahs! they SHARED the bloody answer. so now that class is going to get all As!

URGH! what happened to being ethical? honest?

and who in the world is so STUPID to actually SHARE the question paper? i mean, telling people what topic came out is still acceptable (even though it is semi-unethical) but actually SHARING the question?! you might as well ask the professors to give them the answer right?

and the professors are really URGH. they dont bother to even change the numbers in the question. facilitating cheating huh?

so now, all the monday class people are going to get lousy grade and the tuesday,wednesday and thursday class are going to get superior grade. and if the professors dont suspect something, they are seriously DUMB.

A students? my ass. just a few unethical, lying, deceiving son-of-a-bitch.

whats the use of working hard? but at least i know i am being true to myself?
i am so angry that i feel like crying now. i need a hug:(

@ 8:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

cyn, mabel, jianchong and i couldnt get a room for kbox. so we decided to head off to amk hub to watch resident evil. warning! never put cynthia and i together ESPECIALLY for a horror movie. both of us were freaked out but there we were making bimbotic statements like, "oh man! he was quite cute. why must he die?!" and stuff like that. and i'll be hiding behind my hands and keep asking, "is it safe to watch yet?" lols. but it was a pretty good movie(:

after movie, we went kboxing(: i am hereby labelled as "the sad-songs singer" . seriously, i CANNOT see happy song. sad song still ok. lols. ah wells.

i am having a stomachache now. waiting for my hair to dry so i can go to sleep.

maybe i am selfish. maybe i really don't like that person. maybe i am just being childish.

i realised i don't want to "share" my friends with her. it's either they are on my side or hers. that aside. it doesnt mean that my friends cant talk to her or whatsoever. it's just that they cannot be close to her while at the same time be close to me. do you get what i mean?

i saw something she wrote for a mutual friend of ours and the replies exchanged. and the thought that crossed my mind was CHILDISH. but i think i am going to listen to it. i am going to keep a distance from this mutual friend.

scotchey is so gonna slap me for a) having these kind of thoughts and b)for being so stupid. she was telling me in the afternoon that i should try and snatch it. and that she noticed something but she just didnt want to make a comment. and scotchey, i feel the person is just another banana ass.

instinct. skeptical. whatever you want to call it. i dont want to go through the whole thing again.

everyone is probably having question marks all over their heads. hahas. ask me to explain to you then. for once, i know what i am saying. i am NOT LOST.

@ 3:20 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is what i did. with the free printing (one side notes, one side advetisement), i came up with one ridiculous idea. to "thank" the people for their free paper, i decided to help them advertise! how? by raising up the notes everytime you turn a page! and i got scotchey take a picture of it:

and scotchey couldnt resist and i took one for her!

so there! we have done our part! it's time for you to do yours!

(seriously? it's kind of embarrassing to read the notes on the train. because of the ads. hahahs:p)

@ 5:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

okay, my lesson ended at 3.30pm. now waiting for mabel to finish her lesson. hahahs. i feel so qian da! cause everyone here is either mugging or rushing for their project while here i am slacking away and waiting for my last episode of 破茧而出 to load(:

so uncle came today and presented something which is obviously NOT DONE by him. fine. if it's not done by him, then he should at least have the decency to read through the presentation, make SOME sense out of it and give a proper presentation, right? WRONG! he went up there, anyhow "tried". until the tutor buay tahan and asked if the group has a better way of presenting. i may be very mean but i said, "i've a better presentation." and when joanne and scotchey said i shouldnt put it that way, i said, "我才不管啦!" i mean seriously!! but i think the tutor heard me and she likes this slacker because he owns his business so she told him, "good try. at least he tried. blah blah blah." i was bloody pissed lahs. he might as well dont present. i feel like asking for peer evaluation!! how?!

ANYHOWS! scotchey and i went to do a survey after psycho lecture. the RA was quite unprofessional because while we were doing the survey, she was on the phone calling those people who didnt come and eating food (theres banana skin on the table!). but ah! the survey was like 5 minutes and the "reward" is $5! omg. hahas. both of us were super auntie just now-.- hahahs. oh wells.

RESIDENT EVIL:(

@ 4:14 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i woke up with the woke "pub" floating in my head-.-

slept for less than 3 hours. i have no idea how i am suppose to survive school AND kbox later.

its nearing the end of the week!! i still havent watch resident evil! :(

if you have nothing on tmr, msg me! we go watch resident evil ((: hahhas. i insist!

probably wont be online till around 2am today. cause kbox-ing with devil sisters(:

@ 8:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the difference between a optimistic and a pessimistic person is not the ability to not think about negative thoughts. but the ability to push the thought away when it turns up.

my hair is dropping at such an alarming rate that my mum is willing to sponsor me to go to that herbal hair shop downstairs for treatment. but the thing is i cant control the color of my hair if i do go for the herbal treatment *depressed* i love the color of my hair. well, not really. i like it 10 weeks ago. now it's just okay. hahas.

i have this urge to chop my hair short. crazy.

@ 2:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

oh yeah. while printing stuff on monday, i realised i miss the sampat family.

ok, blogger having problems so i cant upload the picture we took last sem while waiting for comms class to start.

sampat king and sampat queen mother, next tuesday during accounting lecture, we are taking pictures okay?! be warned! hahahs.

if i go to for smu for exchange next sem, that means we wont be having comms class tgth :( and we might have to wait for AB311? i am booking the two of you for that!

meanwhile. GO GO JIAYOU!!

@ 1:45 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my new room is infested with ants.

okay. my sample size may be small. because i only saw a group (maybe ten of them) crawling all over my pencil case which i left on the bedroom floor. then i saw 5 of them crawling along under my window sill.

i freaked out.

i sprayed insecticide and started mopping my floor (at 3am in the morning!). i was so bothered by it that for the whole of today, i did nothing but stayed out in the living room and coming in periodically to look at the floor.

my mum just brought back mothballs. and i have place 4 packets with around 4 mothballs in them in the corners of my room. and i have sticked one packet of ant poison under my window sill. and according to google, baby powder works. so i have walked around my room puffing baby powder and poured two packets out. one in my wardrobe and one (in a m&m tube) on the floor under my bed. i have put mothballs on top of my cupboards (like how scotchey and i used to do in hall).

hopefully, it will keep spiders, cockroach and ants away.

jianchong, i am still waiting for my room-warming gift aka my ant/cockroach killer! hahhas.

so does anyone have any other suggestion on how to keep ants away?

i better start on my accounting tutorial.

@ 6:13 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok, got back the results for my accounting quiz. i got 65. that is like 5.4 points below the average score. disappointed? kinda. considering that i scored above average for AA101 last sem. but hey! look on bright side? i took 1.5 days to study (with cramps, dental visit and toothache!)! so i guess the result is still acceptable under such conditions right? hees(:

right. the guy in my accounting group got promoted from the level of uncle to that slacker to 人渣 in 5 minutes. he offered to print our report last night. and guess what he told us this morning? he is not coming to school and why? he said he had to meet some important client. but! if you know you are going to meet your client, then dont offer to print. and since you have offered to print the report then you jolly well get it printed and handed up. i dont care if you are running the universe or if you are meeting the president of townsville. you offerred therefore it's your responsibility. this is like the last straw. you skipped meetings. slacked all the way. contribution = negligible (unless you count editing the spacing and paragraphs as contribution). 我已经忍了。now this? GRRRRR..

so i gave him a piece of my mind just now. yeah. i told him that he better do all the questions for this coming tutorial and give a solid presentation. if not, his grades will be on the line. i warned him. so if he dont come, peer evaluation is coming up. and i dont care if the scale is from 1 to 10. i am going to give him zero. yes, you heard me. scotchey said my sms to the asshole is kinda harsh but seriously! we tried nice and patient and look at how it turned out. yeah. as everyone in my secondary school knows, you dont mess with huishan. hahahs. whatever.

the moment scotchey and i dropped the report in the box, i feel so relaxed and tired. it's like the tiredness that i have kept at bay since term break are flooding in. i shall take things slow for this week. print out the course outline for my subjects and start planning my study plan(:

and of course, i must plan the SUSEP thing with juan! who happens to be coming to my new room on sat((:

@ 7:57 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

and while waiting for the others to finish the portion of the report, i stumble upon this. provided scotchey and i quite some laugh(: how come i didnt see this when i was at ojiisan's youtube account?!

and i am feeling random today. no idea why.

so when abner popped online, i went, "HELLO!!!!" his reaction? "what was that for?!" hahas. what kind of reaction is that? hahas.

and then i clicked on ojiisan (aka hj) and went, "ojiisan!! gambatae nehs!" his reaction, "lols." and thats it-.-|||

hahahs. now i am still feeling a little bit random-.- BEWARE!!!

@ 1:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

stayed in school till 9pm. madness. by the time i reached home, it's already 11 *faints* and i had my dinner at that time. *sigh* having stomachache (gastric maybe?) now. blehs.

i dont like to stay in school till late then go home. i prefer those kind where if you want to stay late, you might as well stay over that kind. if you know what i mean. yeah.

local exchange's information is out. i cant find the list to match my electives. but it seems like some of my core dont match! *grumbles* might be coordinating with juan though. it will be nice to go exchange with her!(: but provided that my gpa can get me a spot in local exchange. *fingers crossed*

i am having flu now. no idea why. i went to bathe after dinner and started sneezing non-stop. okay! which one of you are missing me?! i'll kick you! lols. so now, i have a block nose and really tired eyes *cries*

but at least maths quiz is over and accounting will be over by tomorrow(:

and if i dont watch resident evil by the end of this week, it will be out of the cinemas! nooooooo~ but as i was telling scotchey in the toilet just now, if i am really that desperate to watch, i can always get banana ass to watch with me. but the thing is, i REALLY dont want to watch with him. because a) i dont want him to get the wrong idea and b) later he tries funny stuff with me how? i mean, seeing that he thinks that i should like him and drop to my knees and THANK GOD just because he tells me he likes me now. i think he will definitely try funny things when we meet up. so theres no way in the world that i will go out with him, much less go to a movie with him. and seriously, i cant promise him that he wont get hurt when i go out with him. i am sure some of my gal pals wants to slap him and frankly, i want to kick him in the balls too. no wait. i want to rip his shoulders off. thats gonna hurt. haa!

andrew was telling me that i sound like some woman from er mei pai (some 'organisation' in chinese novels) cause i was telling yiling during maths that i want to rip the slacker in my group from limb to limb. and i think ever since the start of this sem, everytime andrew sees me, i am usually very anti-guy and feminist. like i will insist i carry my laptop even though my bags weigh a ton and etc. ahahas. EVERYONE! dont worry okay? i dont hate guys. hahahs. and i am most definitely STRAIGHT!

oh yeah. scotchey and i are sampat to the max today. theres free printing at FAL now. so both of us were grumbling that 40 pages were too little. then when we printed out, we were like, "omg! we have blank pages!" lols. sampat king! if you are there ah, i think you will laugh-.-

alrighty, i better enjoy myself before i go to sleep. i think today is the only day i can "rest". my BF212 teacher is mad. he went through 3 seminars worth of stuff today. which means i have 3 tutorials to rush for maths this week! at the rate he is going, i think we can have our last lesson by next week.

and scotchey! i am so looking forward to your lunch date with *ahem* tell me all about it. and remember, i can always sit with sampat king de. it's very important to catch up! I UNDERSTAND. and i dont care that i am being mean. haa! since the person can be mean to other people, i will be mean too.

oh yeah!!! SIA is going to have a suite in an airplane! completed with queen sized bed and tv!! omg. *faints* i dont want to travel first class. i want to travel in the suite. but eh...excuse me for saying this. but by providing a bed, wont they be promoting the membership of the mile high club? o.O

wont it be nice to have someone to hug now? snuggling will be nice too(:

@ 1:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i will not like jade seah. but seriously, shes looking better these days. nooooooo~ i will not like jade seah. dont ask me why. but yeah. hahahs.

and the new lead singer of click 5 is hot! hehe(: i want to go to BEP concert and Live the Dream finals! why? because they are performing!!!

我再也没有那一种野心了。no more myspace quality pictures. no more. i dont feel the urge to. 我静下来了。变乖了. i have settled down o.O

hahas. so while cam-whoring today in macs, cheeyong made this comment, "if taking pictures can make them skinny, they will be super skinny sia." *faints* but thats so true lahs!! i wish, i wish! lols.

@ 1:20 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am tired. and i want to crawl in bed and sleep but i have to study some more maths first :(

cynthia's birthday gathering was nice(: san cant make it again. *sigh* when will we have a full SPP gathering? please dont tell me i have to wait till my birthday in decemeber *pouts* lols.

anyhow, the gang should be coming over to my house on saturday(: i might as well make it a room-warming party!

huishan's room-warming party
Date: 20th October 2007, Saturday
Time: Anytime from 12noon onwards
Venue: ask me on msn.
RSVP to Huishan((:

yeah-ness(: cant wait. anyways, i am tired. shall post the pictures tmr. or you can just check my friendster. SPP and jianchong, just check your email and download from yousendit.com((:

@ 12:05 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realized (i am "realizing" a lot of things these days huh?) that even though i want someone to share my "hmm" feeling with. i dont know how to share it. i really dont. *sigh*

and when i am sad, i dont even express it. i just keep it in. blog a little about it. but thats about it. i dont like to tell my friends because i dont want them to worry. i dont want to drag them down. i have a theory that goes something like, "emo/sadness is contagious." so i dont want to infect people with my "unhappiness". huishan's theory and logic(:

ber, i need to tell you something. msn me okay?! maybe we should both book ourselves into some place where theres NO boys. *mumbles grumbles* i am sick of my own drama!-.-

为什么爱稀少又昂贵？
maybe someday i will let these things go.
i need a cheerleader. a hugger. a clown.
to cheer me on. to give me hugs. to make me smile.

oh no. i am turning emo again! shoo shoo. emo huishan cannot appear! if you just stopped being emo, dont come near me ok?

@ 2:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i was telling scotchey that she should start wishing that i get married and become a tai tai. cause if i am a tai tai, i will buy a volkswagen beetle for her when we have known each other for ten years or something. lols.

seriously, sometimes i really think that the way i act is really like a tai tai in training.

but! i seriously dont like the idea of being a tai tai. of spending other people's money. i want to be me. have a career and earn my own money! lols.

well, anyways. i was thinking about my maths quiz on monday when what abner said popped into my mine. i got a C for my first quiz and abner askedm "was it because of pride?" i was kinda pissed with him in the first place. but i realised, it's kind of true. i thought i knew all those stuff so my heart werent really in it when i mugged. so yeah.

i shant let it stand in my way this time! go go jiayou!

@ 1:23 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realised its only when i am happy that i wished that i am attached. i wish that i can share this "happiness" or what my cousin called the "hmmm" feeling with someone. but not just anyone. yups.

grams birthday celebration was nice(: joked alot and the attention was on chloe. shes so cute(: she ran around the whole restaurant and collected the napkins from all of us. and when i tried to get mine back from her, she said no. BUT! when i said please, she gave it back to me. so cute~!

i cant believe shes one year old already!! and i got her pictures as "souvenirs". so now it's on the cork board in front of my table.

my room is done! i just need to go buy some barang barang to personalise it((:

@ 11:00 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hees. i love sesame street(:

found this cookie monster skin so decided to use it for the time being. they have an elmo one too! but elmo was "kidnapped"! it's funny and cute but elmo was being tortured-.- so kinda of sadistic?

cookie monster! *munch munch munch*

whole day was spent doing project. so i am in a controlled state of emotions. good or bad?

saw this little kid while on my way home. he looked up at me and smile when we passed each other. kawaii~ *melts*

my mum wants to throw away my elmo and the bear SPP got me 2 years ago. i dont want!! i know they are dusty but i like to hug them now and then. it's never a good idea to give me bears cause i never throw them away. even when they are torn. heees. softie! tsktsk.

bedtime(:

lets go to the park. sit at the benches and watch little kids run around in the playground. marvel at their innocence. wont that make you smile?(: it will make me smile.

@ 3:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

孙燕姿--同类
作词:易家扬作曲:李偲菘

雨后的城市寂寞又狼狈
路边的座位它空着在等谁
我拉住时间它却不理会
有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰

风停了又吹我忽然想起谁
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁
心暖了又灰世界
有时候孤单的很需要另一个同类

爱收了又给我们都不太完美
梦作了又碎我们有几次机会
去追

不晓得为什么爱又稀少又昂贵

云在半空中被微风剪碎
回忆也许美可是正在飞走对不对
啦啦...
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁

@ 2:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have to say this.

so we had meeting at RC's BK (i am so sick of that place!) and joanne's boyfriend and scotchey's boyboy came to find them. then that uncle/slacker in our group asked, "all of you got boyfriend ah?"

i know it's a fact. and i am not ashamed that i am single. never! but when i said, "noonoo. i dont have a boyfriend." he laughed. like laugh out loud kind of laugh. laugh in your face kind of laugh.

and it pisses me off. 我跟你很熟吗? you dont have the right to laugh at me. even jokingly okay?! and whats so funny about me being single? wth. *stabs little voodoo doll of him*

so what if i am single?

@ 12:43 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Firefox can be addictive. it actually carries WARMTH not like internet explorer who exudes functionality and coldness. -.-||| but my blog cant be viewed properly in Firefox? so i am using a mixed. 70% of the time Firefox and 30% of the time IE (:

i go soft when people call me shan. even softer if they call me shan shan-.- shit man. but thank goodness, no one calls me that.

bathing was agonizing just now. stupid heels. *mumbles* to be a woman, you must a)not be lazy and b) not be afraid of pain.

blood donation drive in school again. i still dont know whats my blood type! hmph. and i still cant donate because i am underweight by 1 kg i think. which is good and bad. good cause it means i didnt gain weight! bad because i cant donate blood! blehs~

i realized these days i have the emotions of a teaspoon. and i don't know how to express myself anymore. *sigh*

i just finished my re-write of my BSC. this is like the 3rd draft for my part. every time i re-write, i can feel my white hair popping out and my pimples popping out. not good. i cannot feel stress. stress --> bad --> pimples along forehead --> bad. see! vicious cycle i tell you.

work is cut out for me this weekend. i'll be so glad when monday is over and then wednesday comes. because i have a quiz on monday ( i still have no idea how i am going to squeeze time out to study this weekend) and my AA102 project is due on wednesday (good riddance!) . what's left would be BF215 and HP 102 project. i foresee more hair loss for BF 215 because this is the one where i have to do alot of random readings to get a vague idea of how people actually trade with theories. *faints* hopefully HP102 will be as straightforward as it seems to be. had a tiny meeting today after lecture. ehh..okay lahs. but i think scotchey and i were doing most of the suggesting? but it IS only the first meeting. we shall see soon(:

my sister just came in and asked me to help her do puzzles-.- she is HOPELESS with puzzles. she needs the completed one by thursday so i think i have to squeeze out sometime next week to help her. but it shouldnt be a problem.

because, i plan to take it easy next week(:

@ 2:43 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

while watching channel 8, i heard this song. and now it's semi-stuck in my head. but it makes sense. whatever will be will be.

Que Sera Sera
by Doris Day

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

@ 10:05 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

wore my formal top, jeans and heels to school today. was supposed to go for the SIA talk. but scotchey had cramps. so we went home. now she owes me one SIA talk. if they come around next time, she will have to go with me. if not, i will hang pig head at her house. and if really so suay suay (touch wood) that they dont come back to ntu for another talk, she will have to go with me to my SIA interview. lols. scotchey, rest well today okay? very long never say this le. ai ni o(:

i like my new heels. even though i have a total of 10 plasters on both my feet, i still like the way it makes me feel tall. hees.

i was in my dads shop. my dad was telling me that my brother got back his prelim results which has a L1R5 of about 30. and then i was telling my dad (again) that my brother has the ability to go to ajc de. he is smart but he is just lazy. he can produce the good results if he studies a month before exams. for me to produce the same results, i will have to start like 2 months in advance. even then, i might not score.

then i was telling my dad how hard it was in uni now. how it's a totally different ball game. hardworking means shit in uni. how i am pushing myself to stay positive. to keep on going.

guess what he told me? he told me, "it's okay de mahs. you can drop out. go out and work. when you feel like studying again, just go back lor."

when i heard that, i almost cried. here i am pushing myself. i WANT to study. i am NOT MY BROTHER AND SISTER who DONT LIKE TO STUDY. if i am like them, i wouldnt have pushed myself, put in my 200% ever since sec sch to get into university. i need motivation to keep me going. not an option to give up. that it's okay to give up. that i can give up. it's like someone running a 42km marathon, he is already 1/3 done, doing his best to keep himself going and there you are. waving a flag at him and tempting him with drinks, sofa, massage and everything. i am angry. i am pissed. i am hurt. once again, my parents are stereotyping. treating me like my siblings.

how many times must i repeat it? i am not my siblings. i am the opposite.

so after my dad realised the damage he has done, he avoided talking to me. he ignored me. and when i was about to go home, i went to say goodbye to my grams. and i think my grams knows how hard it is? how close to giving up i was. how i am still pushing myself. how hurt i was by my dads comment. so today, she put her arms around my shoulders and pat me on the back. i almost burst out crying.

*sigh* i wish i can let all these problems, stress down for one day. and do something spontaneous. something fun. and again, stop me from going back to smu.

i need a cheerleader. i need retention to stop temptation to scream. i need to learn to smile.
how long more before i break down? before my walls crumble?

@ 6:06 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i really like rihanna. and this is the single that i was (still am) hooked on. everytime i hear it, cant help but start tapping my feet.

It's gettin late

I'm making my way over to my favorite place

I gotta get my body moving shake the stress away

I wasn't looking for nobody when you looked my way

Possible candidate (yeah)

and of course, this is a pretty sweet song from the album too.

And I can’t stand ya

Must everything you do

make me wanna smile

Can I not like you for awhile

No..

You know exactly what to do

So that I can’t stay mad at you

For too long, that’s wrong

@ 5:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

3rd post for the night. but oh wells.

i realised how important my friends are to me. secondary school friends. ber. people from seniors' camp. and to some extent, people from syndro.

and because i know how important they are to. how essential they are to chase away those black clouds that floats above my head. i am afraid of losing them. i am afraid that i am just being lulled into a false sense of security.

i am reluctant to actually remove my brick wall and replace them with my circle of friends.

i dont want to be stupid and crumble when we drift apart (because, lets face it, all people drift apart).

i want my friends to cheer me up. at the same time, i dont them to. does that even make sense?

somehow, i know i want them to. and i feel so weak and embarrassed about it.

@ 1:45 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i dont know. asking me out after the way you treated me last year? after blocking me for half a year? just because you told me you like like me?

most importantly, i think its because i dont like you anymore. that i am no longer that person you know last year who actually give a damn about you. thats why you are running after me now.

you are disgusting.

@ 12:42 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

went to IKEA tampinese today again with my mum and sister. just because the person erected the walls wrongly, my original plan for my room got screwed. so while i was contemplating and thinking what is my plan B, my mum and sister were there asking me to buy another NEW single bed. the thoughts inside my head are having a debate and then they keep pushing me (like salesman!) so just to make them "leave me alone", i blindly agreed. so while they had lunch, i took my calculator, paper and pencil and walked around IKEA alone. i think i look really pissed off when i was thinking (such is the case when i am thinking under pressure), i think my mum thought i was pissed? BUT! after my walk alone, i came back and explain the plan to my sister in my fastwithwordsalllinktogetherandveryseriousway in english and my mum thought i was quarrelling with my sister?

but hor! after that when we are collecting the furniture, my mum seems okay lehs. she was even laughing when i climbed onto the shelves to get my table top. when i went to school, she was laughing also mahs. and when i called her to ask her about the bed, she sounded happy to me also.aiya. dont know lahs. apparently, she came home threw a tantrum at my dad and then my dad said she was crying. is it because of me?

i realised, my mum has this tendency to treat me like i am my sister and my brother? my brother blames my mum for not buying "luxury" items (like mp3, hp) for him. my sister is wishy-washy and her idea of resposibility is "run if you cant solve the mess you create after one try". and somehow or another, my mother thinks i am both of them? she will always declare, "i dont have money. cant afford to buy for you." and "dont get into trouble. if not later i have to clean up the mess again."

but why is she telling me all this? ever since primary school, i pay for "luxury" stuff out of my own pocket money. and as i get older, i pay for my own stationary, photocopying, hp bills, handphone, ipods, braces AND transport fees!! and i NEVER EVER blame her. i dont EXPECT them to buy all these things for me. because i know it's a WANT not a NEED. yeah. and about the trouble part. since when did i get into trouble? and even if i do(on the rare occassion), i will settle them myself. because i know i am the one who cause the problems, therefore, it's my responsibility to clean it up.

so why is she telling me all those things that she should be telling my siblings? why is she hating me for what they are doing to her?

i am not my siblings. dont hate me for all the things they do.

bestie said this, "NOT that i wana comment on ya mum.and i also dont like commenting on any1's folks.but i really think ya mum is bias.mayb cos i m standing on ya side but like seems to me ya her most outstanding child but she is givin you like...."

after she said this, i just cried. i dont know why. maybe because i feel that someone actually understand. yeah.
and one of my mum's friend from the cancer foundation passed away. from lung cancer. and my mum being her has been coughing recently too. she refused to see the doctor. even though she dont show it, i know shes worried. shes thinking all sort of horrible things.

she lost 5kg during renovation. i am worried. maybe i should force her to go for an examination.

please let my mum be okay. we are just one year away from that safety zone.
----
anyways, i went to school at 4plus for my investment project meeting and we did our quiz together. it's actually quite fun o.O one person will be logging in and the rest of us are like researchers. flipping the textbook, calculating and scratching my head half the time. lols.

i realised degen's explanation here and there, and kong yong kee's FM seminar is still swimming in my head. so i am NOT THAT unfamiliar to investment(: i just have to add that extra ommbaba and hopefully i can get a not-too-bad grade? *fingers crossed*

oh yah. and on the train home, i was actually discussing about stocks with jiaming. okok, lets do it together now. 1, 2, 3. *faints* hahahas.
----
accounting project ends next wednesday. maybe it's because i am having pms. but i really cant stand the thought of the third year skivving off while the 4 of us work our butt off. i have decided to give him ONE MORE CHANCE this coming meeting. if he still show no signs of improving, i am going to ask for peer evaluation.

i will make him fail this subject again if i have to.

i am tired. wont someone give me a hug? dont let me go back to smu.

@ 11:34 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

note: grammar. punctuation. vocab are HORRIBLE in this entry.

ok, after saying this, my image will totally be gone. but then again, since when do i have an image? lols. i am always the looney-gooney-airy-"brainy" girl, right?

i was catching up with my investment (i need help analysing the table-.-) and there i was doing and after i completed one tutorial, i felt SUPER tired. it's as if someone flushed away my energy. i tried to do the next tutorial but end up falling asleep. and i found out why. i am having pms and everything. grrreeeaatt. my busiest week eh! i am going to be so screwed, tired AND cranky for the rest of the week. *sigh*

oh yeah. i went to deposit some money at AMK HUB's DBS. so there i was using the self-deposit machine, happily put my notes in. then GUESS WHAT? the machine tore my one of my note and spit it out. grrr..so i thought it was bad luck, took it out and then place those rejected ones back in. then i felt a tap on my shoulder. it was one of the customer service person from the bank, she told me rather rudely that, " the machine doesnt accept new notes." fine. so i took out the plastic ones and tried to put the usual paper kind in, then she said, " those are new notes too. the machine dont accept. cancel your transaction. got queue behind you."

i felt ridiculous o.O i mean, it just accepted 3 of the SAME notes. and also 2 of the plastic ones!! and you are telling me the machine doesnt accept those notes? and the usual paper ones are new notes? so you are telling me that you only accept notes that are way back? those with the junk boats and flowers kind? ridiculous. but the lady was practically helping me push the cancel button le so i HAD to cancelled my transaction. i took all my notes and went to the bank's customer service counter and waited to change the note that the machine tore.

no one was there. FINE. i wait. then the SAME lady came back in. she IGNORED me and attended to another person first. ook. i thought since there are 2 of us standing at the counter at the same time, you cant tell who came first. fine. BUT! after she attended to the customer, she attended to ANOTHER one who just walked in. i was PISSED. i called lai and complained to her right in front of the lady saying i dont want to go to DBS for internship anymore. i DONT CARE anymore. so after i hung up, the lady was pretty scared cause you can tell from her face that she DIDNT KNOW i was in university already. that she thought i was some young secondary school kid that she can push around. URGH. so when another customer approached her, she quickly told the customer to wait a while and went to change my note for me.

the best part is, when i thanked her before leaving, she looked SHOCKED. hahas. oopps. i guess i must have looked pretty angry when i was complaining to lai on the phone.

anyhows, the way people treat me when i wear specs and contact lens is totally different. it's like when i wore specs to work, the customers tend to NOT trust what i say. but when i wore contact lens, they REALLY believe everything i say. *faints* abner, see! i am not lying! people do treat me differently when i wear my specs! hahahs.

okok. off to bed. long day tomorrow.

@ 2:13 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

You know the world can see us.
In a way thats different than who we are

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away

You know the words "Once Upon A Time"
Make you listen?
There's a reason.
When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter or a happy ever after

i have no time for HSM 2 but i have time for videos(: songs i like. one from HSM 1 and 2 from HSM2(:

@ 12:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have high school musical 2, mr bean's holidays and dreamgirls. but i have no time to to watch them:(

i want to watch resident evil:extinction. but i have no time AND money.this is like dont know how bad lahs.

i still have to find a 3 hour slot to give tuition-.-

saturday might have project meeting. saturday is my grams birthday. sunday is cyn's bdae celebration. i might have to give one a miss (which is probably cyn's bdae) because i have a test on monday and i need to study. and my saturday project meeting might have to go on without me because my whole day may be booked by gram's birthday (going to church, home, celebration).

this coming week is FIERCE. probably because it is near the deadline for accounting project. *sigh* and its supposed to be E-LEARNING WEEK. i am NOT SUPPOSED to go to school except for thursday! instead, i have to go for 3 days! URGH. first, they take away my term break. then then take away my elearning week. thanks ah.

whatever.

i better go start on my investment reading.

this sucks.

"Breaking Free" from High School Musical always make me tear up. especially the starting..

We’re soarin’, flyin’
There’s not a star in heaven
That we can’t reach
If we’re trying
So we’re breaking free
You know the world can see us
In a way that’s different than who we are
Creating space between us
‘Til we’re separate hearts
But your faith it gives me strength
Strength to believe

dont ask me why. i just dont know. theres something about the lyrics that is so true that it strikes me. ohwell.

@ 12:19 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am tired. exhausted. hahas. i was still all high and everything after middies today. helped my parents in the shop until the shop closed. now, i am trying to keep my eyes big enough so that i can look through my eyelids and read the prospectus-.-

i give up. i think i am going to sleep now. then wake up 8 hours later to do my customer perspective and make sense of my TDI (dont ask me what it is. it involves 3 lines. investement. and a whole lot of my hair.) hahas.

is it me or are we being hit harder than last year? i dont remember having so many dead lines to meet last year. WAAAAAHHHH~ nor were there so many middies. ah wells. we ARE in year 2 after all. i cant imagine what year 3 will be like. *hides behind cover*

accounting middies were BLAH, if anyone is interested to know. but as usual, i dont like to discuss test/exams/quiz after taking them. hahas. yups(:

i found my mouse!!

and i did this:

watched a bit of resident evil 2 on channel 5 while trying to tidy the living room. this actress is hot. but only in resident evil:

short hair suits her much better. resident evil:extinction coming out on thursday. WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME? and if you are afraid that i will freak out, dont. because i love resident evil. i dont freak out. or get gross out. hehes. i like movies with kick-ass female character. hurhur.

i realised my room is very dusty. the renovation is done. but my furnitures are still scattered here and there. with things in boxes and everything. i shall mop the place abit and push the boxes into corners or something. make the room more liveable. have i post the picture of the room i like from IKEA? anyhows, here goes:

sorry. i rotated the picture so i could picture it more clearly and i accidentally saved it in jpeg form and not png format T_T bestie's comment on this? simple. very you. thanks, bestie(: but my mum say no more ikea furniture so i have to go and source for similar ones-.-

ok. pillows are beckoning. see you in 8 hours time.

oyasumi~

@ 1:06 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

it's my dads birthday! whees~ having lunch with the whole family (including grams) later ((:

i was calculating my dads age and automatically, my brain minused my age from my dads and i realised that my dad was 35 when i was born! thats OLD. and then i did another calculation and realised my mum was 32 when i was born. wow. hahhas.

i realised there are many definition of love. i guess to find that special someone. to know if that person is right for you or not. you have to first know what your definition of love is.

does love = physical attraction to you? does love mean having someone to cling on to? what does love mean to you? does love means having financial stability?

for me? love means having that fuzzy feeling in me. to be able to sit side by side in silence without feeling awkward. to have that ache in the lower right corner of my right palm. to quote the ad from class 95, "love is when you keep thinking about a person. and you have no reason why". to quote rihanna, "must everything you do make me wanna smile?"(: (of course, freedom comes into play somewhere in between. i'm a sagittarian ok? hurhur.)

so what does love mean to you?

but then again, love shouldnt have a proper meaning. to quote hilary duff, "..love just is.." if you have to hold up a checklist, and go, "definition 1, check. definition 2, check check.." then hello?! dont be so rational about everything can? lols.

anyhows. lost my flair for my words. i cant articulate properly. i cant motivate. i cant comfort. i cant cant cant. what happened to the super motivator (AND motivated) and i-can-speak-comfort me? hello? come back come back! i know most of my friends need a bout of motivation now. but i cant start. and the best i can offer is a pat on the shoulder. a hug. oei! give me my words back.

give me back.

@ 12:42 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.