time adds fluff to memory(:

i was looking for my chingay tee shirt to wear but instead i found this:

my very first PSL camp t-shirt =) brought back many memories. lots of flashback. us playing scavenger hunt and doing funny things at the carpark in front of the PCCG room like spell misssisipi(i still cant spell it) with our butt and naming all the MRT stops. the water bomb fight that was so loud that police came. and of course the campfires and the Husband-and-Wife game. and talking until people shh us during bedtime.oh! and me and sivan sneaking off to another toilet to bathe(but that was during the combine camp!)

i miss it! i want to attend camps again with everyone again! i want to lie in the dark and talk to them till we fall asleep! camp's so much fun. and i never got my tee shirt for the combine camp! i only have 2 PSL tee=(

hahas. its weird. all my councillor camp tee shirt is always around and the memories they brought back aint that strong.maybe its cause i havent seen this t-shirt in awhile le ba. i miss PSL, Mrs Ong and our alumni!!

@ 2:09 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

because of the lack of things to watch on youtube. i am watching powerpuff girls z. the jap version of powerpuff girls. nicer and funnier. oh well. but its still not killing my boredom.

actually,i was watching friends. but i couldnt find season 1 episode 5. so i decided to quit. waiting for the next episode of ANTM 7 to be uploaded.

working on friday. sigh. so far away! *cries*

@ 1:47 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

somehow its always my fault.

was suppose to go to IKEA to pick out sofas for the living room today. but then my sister told me last night that she cant make it cause she has a performance at her cafe/pub tonight and she need to practise. so, i didnt set the alarm to wake me up.

then, this morning, my mum came in woke me up at 10.45. i told her about my sister not being able to make it. and she replied." we are leaving at 12pm. she needs to be at her workplace at 1.30 pm only." so fine. i woke up and went outside, and i saw my sister still there playing her piano. havent even bathe or eat breakfast! thats like going to take an hour plus! and i dont want to wait for her. so i told my mum to wake me up at 11am.

when my sister finally went to bathe its like 11.30am! so i told my mum we might as well dont go cause we will only have like ten minutes to look at the furniture since my sister will take FOREVER to get ready.then thats when my mum started screaming at me.

she say its MY FAULT that my sister went to bathe late. she said its because i didnt wake up, thats why she didnt go to bathe. she said that i am always spoiling my "dates" with her (which is not true. i always go with her when i said i will. you know how i hate breaking promises!). she said that its my fault that picking out a set of sofa is troublesome because i am always the picky one(i am not! i just look at the price and compare and make sure the quality last! not like her. can buy things that either sucks or she dont need just because its cheap. and shes the one screaming we are poor. urgh). she said that its her fault for giving birth to us. well, by that shes saying that its my fault. trust me, i know. she said that i am always the one making her angry. well, i dont see how that can be possible when a)i am not even at home these days since i am always out mugging b)i pay for my own hp bill c)i pay for own expenditure by digging into my savings while my sis(whos working) and my brother is still begging her pocket money d)i pay for my own contact lens e) i pay for my own braces d) i clean my room(which i share with sister) voluntarily f) i am working during my hols even though my dad and relatives are against it g) i do some of the hosuework for her and so on and so forth. i'm sorry that by doing all these things i am making her angry. i thought i was being considerate. maybe i should learn from my brother. dont reply her when she speaks to me. ask her for money everytime i go out. ask her for transportation fees everytime my ex-link card runs low. grumble about her cooking. speak rudely to her. drop pieces of my food on the floor and dont pick them up. make a lot of noise at night so she cant sleep. maybe then she will say i am guai.

sometimes i just wonder why is it that i am always thinking for my family. worrying about our financial problem. worrying about the health of my mum and my dad. always putting my best foot forward. surging forward to try and make them proud. but no matter how big my achievements are, just one tiny one by my siblings, mine will be forgotten. its like i am SUPPOSE to do that well. so theres nothing to harp about. maybe i should do wrong things all the time. then when i do something right, they will feel happy. just like my siblings. when i tell them all these, they said," you have always known what you wanted in your life. and you are more sensible. so we dont bother to pay that much attention to you. its your siblings we are worry about. we know that you will be ok, because you are sensible." and when i spend money (once in a blue moon), my mum will go, "we are already very poor! so why are you still spending?". i dont see her saying that to my sister or brother who buys stuff EVERY DAY.

but how long can a person/a child go on without attention? i dont need them to always shower me with attention. to always shower me with appreciation or praises. i just need them to acknowledge it and not brush all the things i have done aside. sensible? i hate that word.

and because i am me. i will forget about this in a few hours time. and then i will be doing all those stuff that they dont appreciate again. i will keep on trying to gain their approval. keep on trying and trying.

maybe what he said was right. i should stop showing my weak side. stop trying to show that i am trying to look for approval from people/friends. and start showing the dark side of me once in awhile. that its alright for people not to like me. that its alright to not be nice all the time. so that people will stop taking me for granted. stop taking advantage of me.

that was so long ago.

@ 2:28 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just like this picture and i just like these words. so i put them together. and i love the song "Stuck" by Stacie Orrico and "If You Were Me" by Lindsay Lohan. pretty much describe my situation now. so yeah.

@ 1:35 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hahas. i was late meeting the guys today. gomeinasai.

but i have to say, i was in a really dark mood on the train there. i was blasting my music (even then, it was not loud enough), listening to all those songs with "heavy" instruments and nodding my head. actually, i felt like dancing and "banging" my head. was really in a gothic mood i guess.

but once i met with the gang and all, my mood started lightening up. especially when i saw the sun, the sand, the sea =) and especially when i got on the bike and started cycling. whooops!!

me hanwei and kl kinda cycled together. mad was too far in front and shuhui and the guys went the wrong direction. lols. we saw sand castle (i called it sun castle-__-), the bedok jetty and played in the water. i'm loving it! took a lot of pictures! and just because i am in a good mood today, i am uploading 'em! so enjoy =)

of course, hanwei, karleng and me, being the stupid and childish( i mean it in a good way), we tried to take pictures of us jumping. hahas. the pics are real small (stupid phone!) and quite blurry. but it was fun! =) heres the collage of us jumping!

oh and i met vincent at the beach. so coincidental! hahahas. he was the one who helped us take the group picture =) and he got dunked by his friend! hahas. so hes all wet.

which reminded me getting dunked back in sec3 councillor camp. me ling and juan(or was it tracy/lai?) were just sitting there enjoying the breeze when tracy/lai were tricked and got dunked. me and ling continued to sit there laughing and feeling pretty safe cause both of us are having PMS. but then! ling got tricked and dunked! so i was wary. and they know it! so they pretend that they are not going to dunk me. but! i think it was gaya or tracy who pretended she was not feeling well so i got up. but once i hold out my hand to her, they rest zoomed in and dunked me! and i cant swim! so gaya had to help me get back on land. it was fun=) nice memories!

anyways, thanks for today, peeps! and i have to say this, i LOVE LOVE my marketing group !!

@ 8:42 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i should be getting ready for ECP. but its raining. and when it rains, everyone knows what happen to me.

i am like kyo from fruit basket. sluggish and drained from all energy. hahas.

JP. JP. JP. sigh. oh well. something good will happen de! trying to stop myself from thinking too much. maybe someday, someone or something will show me that theres sunshine after the rain.

lonely birthday and christmas.

guys, call me on my birthday during my break okies? =) so i wont have to eat alone=)

@ 12:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am just missing you badly.

i am located at Jurong Point's Perlini for December. small outlet. lousy commission. no choice over the music thats gonna be played. and bloody far.

but the good thing is its small outlet. easy to count stocks. faster go home. i hope.

and i guess, becuase my JP is so far away, my birthday and christmas is gonna be spent alone.

leave me alone to cry.

@ 12:30 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i'm totally exhausted. after i came home from town, i went to have my sprained wrist "treated". PAIN! cant carry heavy stuff for the next few days. *yawns*

i bought a tube top (if thats whats it called) need a belt to go with it. its the kind of top i wanted to buy this new year. lols. oh wells. loved it. but shall not tell my mum about it yet. shes freaking out about money.

heres the pictures:

and thats hanwei getting all geared up to pierce her ears! hahas..not pain not pain! and the ice cream and mentos shld be enough. rights?=) hahas. and thanks for biting so hard on ur cone just now. meanie! lols.

more later.

@ 9:12 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this describes my perfect boyfriend. full stop.
if only you knew what i want for my birthday and christmas this year.

@ 2:02 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

it sound so patronising.

@ 1:58 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is the guy who sat opposite and mugged today. there were empty seats around us but neither of us wanted to move so we just sat opposite each other.

i think hes from ntu too. and how is it fair that guys can put their legs up and study in public while girls cant?! hahas. but to be fair, he only put up his legs when the announcement was made that the place was closing. lols. and i think he shld be VERY ENTERTAINED today. cause i was extremely hyper today and so was tapping and shaking to my iPod. embarrassing but i dont care! hahas. last paper stats!

*karate chop*

@ 1:17 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

when i say fantasies, what do you think of?

i think most guys will think of low and degraded form of sexual fantasies? well, at least to those guys i have talked to.

fyi, fantasies can be cute, pretty, funny and high-strung fashion show. go watch victoria secret's 10th fashion show and you will know what i mean. i REALLY REALLY love THAT fashion show! =)

@ 1:55 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just feel like crying.

but its not because of any particular reason. i just WANT TO cry. lols.

and i am afraid to say this, but if anyone else other than him come and talk to me now, they will die a horrible death (as kelvin has just found out). but i know kelvin wont mind de lahs. since we have known each other since sec 1, so he MUST have seen me in this kinda state. lols.

but wanting him to talk to me doesnt mean anything. its just..well..he settles me down. soothes me. soothes that "unreasonable diva" inside. and hes the only alternative that will make me stop feeling like crying.

i am such a GONE CASE! right, scotchey?

@ 12:09 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

PMS PMS PMS PMS! boo!

happy people stay away. sad people stay away. hyper people stay away. everybody stay away but YOU!

right, as if you are going to come to me. you will just ignore me. fuck fuck fuck.

oh, whatever. better off alone than with you. INDEPENDENT WOMEN, ROCK ON!

met up with san and lai today. nice nice. had lunch at Macs. i had happy meal! whees! then we all hand sundae. yum yum. hehehs. and yes, san was shock to see some many pimples on my forehead. yes, my face is having puberty while the rest of my body has stopped. darn. lols.

i bought a donal duck handphone strap! why donald duck? no idea. i just like the color of the straps. actually i liked mickey mouse too! but no *kaching* so i had to pick one. san and lai, the purple crazy gurlies, got one purple strap each. hmmss..

ok. back to stats kiddo. it feels so good to be working with numbers and not theory/words. but then again, loving numbers not necessarily equal to ability to do well. oh wells.

@ 10:49 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ANTM 7 episode 8 is pretty hilarious. well, for the judging challenge part.

i cant believe when tyra banks and gang asked melrose to "box joyfully", she pretended that she was a box!! and tyra banks' response after that was super funny! lols.

and i like the caridee. the best and most hilarious one! she was supposed to "hide dizzily" and it was very VERY comical =) loved it.

and i dont get why "dance aggressively" and "shake flirtatiously" is so hard! lols. but "ski sadly" and "swim frightfully" and "skip sensually" IS hard. lols.

tyra banks dont drink alcohol! you go, girl! and heres a photo of my 2 favorite models!

hahas. can you tell i am a little model mad these days? oh wells. just fascinated by the glitz and glamour of the fashion world =)

@ 1:41 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i saw this girl. primary 6 next year? shes pretty hardworking! she sat down and did her assessment books while i was there stoning, eating, msging and playing with the hood on my windbreaker (i love hoods!!). but when her dad came, she totally changed. she start ignored the dad and started scratching herself when she didnt before he came.

i really pity(?) that girl. no, i am angry with the dad. he came and sat down and started nagging her non-stop. keep saying negative stuff about her. he even asked her what did she do all day other than play? i am like o.O oh yeah. he even threaten to tear the assessments book ! omg. i was so pissed that i almost wanted to rip out my earphones and say, "eh, uncle. you dont want teach her. i teach her. free." i mean, look at the poor girl. shes starts scratching once you came. stress. and its the HOLIDAYS! you should be glad and happy even if she only did one question! i mean, i used to play all the day all night during my hols!! AND! its not her fault she cant get the answer! cant you see that shes already very frustrated too? *sigh*

maybe because i was almost like that once. back in primary school. so yeah. and for kids, especially during this age, they need more praises than scoldings. be it from siblings or parents or friends. yeah.

ok, back to stats. gambatae, wu huishan!!

"...you were the one thing that i could count on/ you were my everything/and then i found out/that we meant nothing/from someone on the street.."

"..i dont know whats left to talk about/but i find it hard to leave/without some closure.."

@ 10:17 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hahas. scotchey, scared as in not literally! wahaha. yes, but i get what you mean.

3 more days. off to the dentist in 20minutes time. change of colour!! not orange AND black. blehs~! lets just hope it wont hurt.

aiya! dont think so lahs.

hahahas. have you noticed? the day after a paper, there will be a sudden increase of my blog postings? lols. this like my 5th entry for the day? whatever.

"..you said you gotta go. but what does that mean?
do you want to be together or is it just me?
sometimes i think you're in. sometimes i think you're out.
its like i'm swimming in the deep end. pull me out.

wanting to feel. wanting to know.
wanting to steal a little piece of heaven i can call my own.."

@ 1:10 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i ate half of the cake my mum bought (the cake is about 1.5palm size) then i drank half a glass of milk.

and i feel disgusted with myself.its like 3 in the morning! so why am i eating?

but i just feel the need to. and its not cause i am stress. i have no idea what it is.

just read my october postings. can anyone say MOOD SWING!? lols. but yes. i was thankful for a few stuff too.

i am thankful for a few stuff now toos =) but i shant say it out yet. stay tune~!

@ 3:33 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

now i know what its like to be at the receiving end of a mood swing.

i think.

if thats what it is.

@ 2:47 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i like walking alone in school at night toos! hehe. its just so refreshing? but not all the time and not on purpose of course =)

which reminds me how much i miss walking around at night during camp while everyone was asleep. miss sitting in the parade ground with juan ling sivan san and cyn staring up at the stars and not feeling the need to talk. just staring and thinking. and of course, naming stars after ourselves =) the golden star is me and the brightest one is ling. i miss ling. we have drifted so far apart.

oei! living in hall got me! so what are you afraid of? lols. if that friend of yours is so horrible, i will be horrible back =) hehes. actually, i cant wait to live in hall. i am hoping we can live near my friends or kl or sh! hahas. so much fun then =) come to think of it, i dont mind living near my eye-candy!!!! hahahas. blehs!

my sms limit is gonna explode this mth. but i really couldnt care less. because its so entertaining to sms scotchey. stimulates my mind to think about something else other than work and you-know-who. hahas..so gear up scotchey! hehes.

i am worried.

@ 1:34 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

@ 12:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

3 words, "i love marketing!!"

hahas. i cant say today's paper went well. but at least i know what the question is asking. not like OB where i literally anyhow shoot. and guys, knowing what the question is asking and actually delievering it is two DIFFERENT things. lols.

cut my hair. my favorite topic. i want to cut SHORT! but i think san will come running after me with a knife since she adore my curls. hahahas.

i think me and scotchy very high today. we laughed and talked all the way to the bus stop pretty loudly. lols. oh wells.

@ 11:44 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Melrose from ANTM 7 is just as bad as monique! she just appeared kinder when monique was around. but after monique left, the bitch went loose!

but i love A.J =) especially when she comforted anchal.

@ 3:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

a mad rush outer the house at 7.30pm to find a place to mug. my room is too cosy and too cram for me to e able to concentrate. and so i mugged till 11pm before i came home.

i was VERY flustered today. i couldnt decide what i wanted to do. so i just lazed in bed and drifted in and out of sleep. it was nice because it made me forget some stuff thats draining me. actually, it made me forget all my responsibilities.

and i saw kaili and chan today. had a bit of a chat with them before i flew off in search of my mugging place. i miss them. and i cant wait to start working. hoping its FULL TIME and not part time. if its part time then i guess i might pick up a skill? learn drums? learn another language? volunteer at LKH?

i am tired now. but i still have to type some stuff and print them before i go off to bed. maybe not. maybe i can live with my organised mess of writings? hahahs.

i am dreading the day that exams end. but at the same time i am looking forward to it. what i am afraid of is whats gonna feel the void/space vacant by my studying period? what am i suppose to occupy myself with? *sigh* oh wells. i will take things as they come.

i keep thinking of one sentence that sivan said last night, "hi, banana ass. i am sivan."

and i did something last night:

@ 12:18 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its always the same way.

tomorrow is the paper and here i am still lazing in bed. bad bad.

its 5.24pm and i have yet to do anything.

darn.

@ 5:24 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

short SHORT hair after CNY. maybe sooner.

something different. wild maybe. got me outta this sweet look.

@ 3:51 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i like queen latifah. hehehs. especially after watching ANTM7.

and i hate monique from ANTM7. such a bitch.

and i dont get why the girls freak out when they get makeovers. this season is THE worst. so many breakdowns. i mean, hello? they are PROFESSIONALS how wrong can your makeover get?!!! grrr..i wish someone will give me a makeover.

@ 3:38 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i know theres a wild side of me.

but how wild is that side? how crazy can i be when i really let myself go? let my hair down?

thats a side i am increasingly curious about. and maybe someday, i'll let it out.

@ 12:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

爱你很好连风都知道
第一次心甘情愿不想逃

its funny. how i am always running away from commitment. but the first time i found someone i am willing to commit to, its something thats never gonna happen.

anyways, i read scotch tapey's tag and i burst out laughing. lols.

met up with sivan today. due to the ugliness of the photo we took together, i shall not post it. but instead, heres the pictures of the cups i took!

arent they just adorable? hahahs. but i will never buy them! cause i have too many cups. the eyeore's cup that snoopy and gang gave to me 2 years ago is still in the cupboard. unused. hahas.

had my sinful moist chocolate cake today.yums~!

@ 12:39 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

scotch tapey, no miracles tonight.

i think its because we are at different stages of our life.

thats why.

@ 12:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image.On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex.You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time.Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

@ 2:10 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

because of something that someone said, i have decided to start exercising once a week.

just came back from running. no idea how far or long i ran but its 4 rounds around that stupid park. i didnt feel the strain on my legs but i ran out of breath. sheesh. so i went and did one of the recommended exercise in CLEO magazine eons ago and i almost died! omg. i only did 5 times and my legs are ready to give way!! hahas.

next week cycling and TO THE BEACH on tues. right, mkting gurlies? if not, i will go running again.

lets see how long i can keep this "rule" of mine. especially since i am going to start working soon, and theres only one day off. hmms..

on the side, theres one job my mum can never do. you know those hotel people who calls you to wake you up in the morning? she cant do that job. i was happily sleeping away and then she called to wake up to go running. when i picked up, she was shouting into the phone! oh my ears. oh my head. needless to say, i woke up in a bad mood and i didnt call my dad when i saw him in the living room. hahaas..

and scotch tapey! if you get that 2nd generation's ipod nano, i am gonna adopt it! hahas. and you better bring it to hall and let me see everyday!! darn. i'm green with envy~!

@ 9:26 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

everything that i want to say right here. i am starting to look forward to every sunday cause thats when postsecret.com updates.

@ 11:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

jie en came and "visit" me while i was mugging outside. so sweet of her =) and i really really miss her! lunch date with her on tuesday! and shes gonna accompany mug too! hahas. and then dinner date with sivan. rights? hehes.

saw so many couples today. makes me yearn for him. oh well.

@ 11:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i was looking all over for Issue #901-902 of Entertainment Weekly because its a photo issue. and i couldnt find it! but its a good thing i didnt. the photos can be found online and there are not THAT great. i picked a few and used picasa.

and heres 2 of my favorites.

kristen dunst

jessica alba

okies. and then theres rachel stevens. remember her from S Club 7? shes looking good. i got it from her website.

hmms. thats about it. hahas. too bad there aint much dishy guys/guy stars out there. hmmmmm~

@ 2:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

for the sake of your boy and the sake of my future boy, we must control!

right? =)

@ 12:43 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just got home an hour and a half ago from a serious spree of mugging. but i only did 4 chapters! not too bad ba. i mean it took me 7.5hrs to do it! all i have to do now before i go to sleep is to transfer my VERY UGLY mindmaps into presentable and readable ones. hahas.

met up with lai for lunch today. hehes. and i bought a project shop bag for $69.90! *faints* but considering i have been eyeing that bag ever since i started working last december, it SHOULD BE worth it. hmms. and if i am rich enough, i want to buy the bag that has that scout logo (whats the name of the bag, sivan?)! hahas. but thats IF i manage to strike lottery. lols. which is never gonna happen since i DONT BUY lottery. hahas.

mugging was okay. being alone for the whole day was good too.

@ 12:00 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just finished watching "Just My Luck". VERY NICE. hahas.

oh yeah. i like McFly. the songs they sang in the movie quite nice.

so likes review the newly acquired favorite artists (for me). theres the veronicas, nelly furtado, mcfly, sandi thom and i got an itching suspicion that jay chou will be on the list very soon. but thats hard to say since i really really dont listen to chinese songs.

Just some things i spontaneously did. hahas. which one do you like better? hehes. i am in a good mood today. no idea why>.<

@ 3:06 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just got back from school. quite late considering that my paper ended at 11.

hehe. i went to juan and dawn's hall! and sivan, guess what juan said once i stepped into her room? she said, "now you can tell sivan that you have been to my hall. and she havent!" hahahas.

and i just sat there and chatted with the two of them. nice nice. laughed alot. and we agreed to join pretty tuff together if i stay in hall! hahas. and i offered to cook for them. hahhaas. being with juan and dawn gives me a feeling thats different from being with sivan and gang and all.

and juan told me to be 知足. and i guess thats something i have forgotten. i am always grumbling about my family's financial situation, about this and that. and i have forgotten that out there, theres people who are many many times worse off than me. and i should be glad that despite our situation, my family are closely-knitted and yada yada. so yes. "知足" the word for the day =)

hees. ok, about today's paper. i am just darn glad that its over. and me being me, i dont think about the question i didnt do. and as usual, i am surprising calm about it to the horrors of my fellow classmates. so hahha. *cross fingers* and hope for the best. right? liek mrs ang seok bee says, "whats done cannot be undone!" hahas. she drilled that in us after our first CA in sec one. and i still remember it =)

done alot of reminiscing these few days with juan, dawn and sivan. and i love it. and i have come to realise that no one can steal my past away from me. it was as beautiful to the others as it was to me.

@ 3:12 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

as the minutes tick by, the more disappointed i get. all the anticipation for nothing.

@ 12:16 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am suppose to be mugging for my OB paper tmr.

but i cant find the motivation. i am sluggish today.

not to mention that i am worried that i cant find hall 10 tomorrow.

@ 7:22 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

you know how i always say i love hugs, cuddles and sms from friends?

well, i have to re-phrase that. i love hugs, cuddles and sms from CERTAIN friends. i mean, i dont just anyhow accept hugs from people. even though, technically, they are friends. but nah ah..not all. and i am sure you know who you are! those friends whom i will willing accept hugs and smses from! so yeah.

on another topic. been mugging the whole day and i am deprive of conversation. might ask lai to call me. but i am always waiting for friends to call to chat. so if you're up for a chat and belong to my close group of friends, call me after friday!! before i die.

of course, theres this one call that will beat all. but its never gonna happen.

Labels: pre-bedtime thoughts.

@ 2:19 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok, so while my blog is being shifted to the new blogger in beta (whatever that means!). i am typing in notepad. not word becuase word will correct my words and punctuation which can get irritating at times. i mean, look at my friendster's introduction. it was typed in words and hence the very nice caps after every full stop and yada yada.

dont get me wrong.i love marketing. its so dynamic and all. my marketing project made me fell in love with it. we had to design a product, come up with places, prices and promtions to sell it. and we have to fit it all into a budget. challenging or what?! WOOOOO~! hahhas. but in theory, its super boring and half the time i have no idea what the hell i am reading. GaAH! i almost fell asleep. so i sms-ed a few people calling out for help. and only sivan replied. thanks, gurlie!! hehehs. i miss this. this spontaneous sms of mine. i use to it at least once every day. but somehow or another i kinda stopped it. so what i am trying to do now is to re-start it. i want to bring me back. i miss her. if that make sense.

anyway, back to the topic. so yes, i need to devise a way to study marketing. i have two more chapters to do today before i complete my self-presecribed rule. so yeah. and i did 2 chapters of stats this morning. this re-newed energy to mugged is thanks to one person. thanks for asking me out last night. and to quote nelly furtado (is she the one who sang it?), "..i'm like a bird.." . thats how i felt yesterday when i stepped outta my house and took a bus to central and started walking around. FREE!!

so, i was thinkign about the same thing scotchy been thinking today. what is there for me to look forward to after exams?

i mean, ok, theres work. but STILL. i guess this time, i am SCREAMING for the need of social life. i dont want to go home everyday after work and only to repeat the cycle the next day.

so far,i have 8 december booked with the gang. right? =) then theres the date with scotchy to go pierce ears, k-boxing (compulsory!) and some miscellaneous activities. haas. then theres nothing.

i hate it. i want dates for christmas AND new year eves. becuase i hate the idea of going home after being let off work early and then all my colleagues will be asking me, " so where are you going?" and all i can reply is ,"home." how pathetic is that? SPP! lets have a HUGE gathering with all of our ommon friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends on either Christmas or New Year Eve.sounds good? hees.

havent met up with poon and gang for quite some time. so haa. somewhere in the hols, yah? lotsa things happened in poon's life and i didnt know until they were over. gah!

and of course theres the date with ber for ice cream to drow our sorrows. hahas. right?

even all these activities dont feel enough for me. i want to go out. not everyday. but perhaps at least once or twice a week. during my off-days and my early-shift days. *sigh*

scotchy, i have decided. i want to have the most active uni life in semester 2. even if it means killing me or dropping dead from exhausation. hall activities, joining commities, volunteering for WSC, self-organised activities, whatever! i want to have a LIFE.

why this sudden urge? i have no idea. but its there. i am so tired of having my life centered around making money and studying. and since i dont have a boyfriend whom i can do things for/to (no! not that way!). i will do things for myself. so..scotchey, better gear up for a mad semester 2!! i am dragging you to every interview/activity i go and i am sticking with you to every interview/activity you go. so you better gear up! *roars* hahas.

ok, better go. i am back on usig my lap top battery and handing my charger to my dad. so i am left with 1:46hours of power to last me for today and tomorrow afternoon? might get it back tomorrow morning since i need to do the quiz for OB on the CD-ROM.

ok, marketing baby, here i come!!!!

@ 8:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

The Hang Glider

Here is the analysis:
You love fair relationship with your boyfriends. You like a simple wedding. It can merely be cohabitation without wedding, or you live separately with your husband. Despite all these, you will still have a good time together until you become a grandmother or a grandfather. Then, you are still good friends who always living the rest of your life together.

@ 1:31 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its nice to be out.

when did i become the kind who cant stay at home? but it was nice being out today.

i like walking around doing nothing. i like coming back home and looking at the stars standing in the middle of the car park.

its nice.

you're like a drug that i cant quit. and i dont want to.

@ 10:05 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have no idea why.but i really like this phrase from princess hours. and i managed to captured it in one of the screenshots. so now its my hp wallpaper. i cut out the phrase:

in english, it should say," what if the winter break became too long?" somehow i find this phrase bittersweet. so yeah. i'm a sucker for bittersweet stuff. be it food, story or songs. so hahas. and i used picasa to do a mini-collage of SOME of my favorite moments of goong.

so yups. thats about it. off to bed.

@ 2:20 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i hereby declare my 4GB ipod nano full. =)

@ 11:47 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i'm tired of emotional breakdown. so is everybody else.

its the worse on saturday. i would be reading my notes and textbook then i will start crying. keep crying. and just like that. cry read cry read. i finished 3 chapters. yesterday, i was running a fever, runny nose, sore throat and the whole nine yards. so i only did one chapter to close my OB&D. i am back up for Stats kiddo torture today. and i am still sick.

its true what they say in ob. you are weak against other environmental demand when you are stress. so yeah.

i will stop the frequency of my breakdowns. for the sake of my sanity and everyone else.

@ 1:56 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i've done what i said all these time.

@ 1:25 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i keep forgetting to blog about this. but i suddenly thought of it while i was bathing.

does everyone (well, those from my secondary school) remember derrick? the scout senior whose classroom used to be opposite us on the 4th floor! and how i always wait for his recess bell and look out the window for him?

hes in NTU!! i think.

see, it was 3weeks ago? around there. so i was late for my OB tutorial but i was in the free access lab. so i was queueing for the printers and then when i turned, theres this guy standing next to me. my first thought was, "hmm..quite dishy." then i looked away.

and instantaneously, i turned back REAL quick and did a double take. the 2nd thought, "ohmygod.ohmygod. its him!! " then i got this urge to go up and say hi. but nope, because a)he wont recognise me and b) i'm not that kind. so i just keep stealing glances at him. but then i keep thinking, "is that really him? he looked so sucky in his friendster pics last year!" so i keep stealing glances and thinking.

then it was my turn to use the printer. so i printed my stuff and left. and i didnt see him again. darn.

@ 11:15 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hope you like this, scotch tapey!!

@ 5:34 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

@ 3:17 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

"..everyone's like a japanese riceball. they cant see their good quality because its on their back. and they will keep envying whats on others people back. a riceball will think that its not delicious because all it can see is rice..what it doesnt know is that he has something good in him(ie the fillings).."

funny metaphor but its true. i summarised the whole thing. it sounds weird but it makes sense when you the anime is saying it. just in case anyone is interested. its episode 7 of fruits basket =)

@ 4:10 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the orchard christmas light-up is tonight.

and it made me sad. i want to cry because, its the same thing this year. no one to go with.

i want to go this year.

@ 3:02 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

The Eating Test

Here is the analysis:
You've made your way well in this world despite all the obstacles you've had to faced. You have survived a lot more troubles than most people. You have had to deal with difficult people, ridiculous rules, and tempestuous relationships.

Love for you can be as intense as the fire on the face of the sun. You are either very calm on the inside when there is a lot of insanity going on around you, or you shut people up and take charge. You can go to a movie by yourself. You are as comfortable alone as you are with others. You are angry at your parents but you can't change them.

You are a great lover when you find that rare mate who is your equal, otherwise your relationships do not go well. Life is a roller coaster, and you are finding ways to make the good times better.

ha. i have been getting this (italics part) over and over again. hais.

@ 12:45 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

when to school today, and studied with these people =) didnt really do much but i think i absorbed more. hmms. but i did my prescribed 3 chapters today. 4 more tomorrow then i am done with OB. well until thursday, at least.

marketing baby, here i come!! and stats kiddo too. hahas. decided to familiarise myself with them. hahas.

it was fun studying together. degen, thanks for carrying for super heavy bag. and weijian, thanks for being our "tour guide" of the day. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! hahas.

i am so tired now. but i am trying to squeeze in half an hour of fruits basket. i need to relax sia. hais.

and while on 179 today, i missed my grandpa. no idea why. but images and quotes he used to say keep flashing up. and i almost cried on the bus. but didnt lahs. i guess when i lost confidence in myself last year, he was there to "comfort" me. and now, he's not here anymore. *sigh*

didnt get to see my gramps today cause i came home late. i am truly a grandparents' girl =)

no time to process my feelings. so i am relying on my inborn ones. which, like the fruit basket saying, is mainly bad. so, pardon me.

@ 2:40 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i'm mad. i didnt carry a bag. just that kinda protection cover for lappies and a paper bag. and between these two "carriers", i have to carry 2 wonderously thick txtbk, a stack of papers, a sweater, water bottle, ipod and hp. oh, and pencil case!

i looked at my bag and think, "fuck. what was i thinking?"

then continued to walk like a mad, determined woman.

so if you see someone looking irritated and surging forward, thats me. so..EXCUSE ME!

@ 2:48 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

why is it that everyone views sleeping late as bad? more irritatingly, they have the perception that when you sleep, it must be because of non-work stuff and because of recreational reasons.

one of my friend de reply got on my nerves just now. i know i said i wanted to sleep early yesterday. but do you have to reply in such a "reprimanding" way?

can everyone please look at the reasons and conditions why i am sleeping late?

fyi, i was not able to sleep early yesterday because i spent 1.5hrs playing mediator to my mum and brother who are fighting and i spent most of my afternoon spending time with my dad and gramps in the shop. i havent been talking to either of them that much since god-knows-when so yeah.

i feel sick of being judge on every single action i do. and of being criticise and/or nagged at because someone else is in a bad mood. i am in a bad mood too, alright?! and as i told my brother last night, we have to understand that other people have bad moods too. its okay to show your bad mood, but you have to pick the right time, the right person and the degree that you exhibit such mood carefully.

but now. i am sick of ALWAYS understanding that people around me are in a bad mood. its time they understand that i AM in a bad mood too.

something along that line. i cant be bothered. back to the books.

@ 7:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

"...to believe rather than to doubt. A person is not born with kindness. Their innate traits are greed, gluttony, the wish to possess. In other words, they are the basic needs for survival. Kindness is the same as growing up. Its a conscience. But kindness is something that everyone must make with their hands. so its easily thought of or misunderstood as hyprocrisy..."

from fruit basket =)

@ 3:53 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

The five-question personality test

Here is the analysis:
Your ideal mate has a sense of humor and is lively.
You always compare yourself with others. You make your wishes too difficult to come true.
Success depends on someone's faith in their ability. That's your attitudes towards success.
You think that if you like what you are and have, then no matter what, you will always be happy.
You are able to adapt and respond to changes. You think life is always uncertain.

*true true true. other than the last point. my ability to adapt depends on my energy, and my friends =)

The Third Eye

Here is the analysis:
It is difficult for you to get deeply involved with someone. Most of your relationships border on being more than friends but less than being lovers.

*gah! it sounds so familiar and true. sad.

What is your spending style?

Your smart spending score: 60%You are an average person. Your spending is in line with the amount of money you have. You would save when required and spend when necessary.

The Smiling Elephant

Here is the analysis:
You are happiest when you're with a friend.
Even zookeepers would have trouble figuring out why an elephant was smiling! In other words, the answer you chose is a true reflection of what would make you happy at this moment. Imagine what would put a smile on your face--and make it a reality.

What's in the box?

Here is the analysis:
You think good luck is something you won't attain. You expect only bad luck. It's probably safe to say that you do not buy lottery tickets
People often attribute unexpected events to good luck or bad luck. When something goes well, it's because of good luck. When things turn sour, it's plain bad luck. Your answer reveals what kind of luck (what's inside the box) you think will befall you in an unexpected circumstance (the box on the road).

A present for your friend

Here is the analysis:
You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly.
By stating what kind of gift you would give to a good friend, you are actually revealing how you relate to others. However, it doesn't really matter what you give someone - it's the thought that counts. If you care enough to give something, your friend will get the message. The dual acts of giving and receiving are, together, one of the finest pleasures and one of the best forms of communication that friends share.

all quizzes are from quizbox.com

@ 9:48 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am trying VERY VERY hard to pay attention. but hes losing~!

gah! i am determined not to waste my 3hrs travelling time!!!

@ 9:09 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i changed my desktop layout. instead of blue. its all silver. i changed my desktop background too.

i dont really adore the character. but i just feel that the picture is simple enough. so yeah.

once again, i am suffering from job burnt out. just like the way i did before A's last year. i am emotionally drained, i used agressive methods (or whatever they call it in OB txtbk), i am MORE cynical than usual and of course i have low self-perception.

i need to run away for a day. i need to go out and shop, eat, talk, gossip, play. but i cant. no one is free. everyone's busy with their stuff. all stuck in their own rat race.whos going to save me this time? no one. i have never felt so lonely and helpless. i have never felt so pessismistics. i cant see myself sitting for the exams paper much less pass it. i cant see myself working through my second semester. i really cant see the future AT ALL.

someone please see it for me? wont you understand what i am going through? wont you try and pull me out of this black hole?

@ 2:04 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i finished watching inuyasha. all 167 episodes of it! 166 and 167 is super nice.

but then the ending sucks.

naraku wasnt killed. the shikon shards were not complete. what happened to koga? how about kohaku?

darn. is there a season 2? AHHH! it continues in manga? DARN!!!

but i love the part where kagome went and hugged inuyasha. and the part where she leans on his shoulders. nice nice =)

back to OB&D and then marketing day tomorrow.

@ 2:13 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

got this from a friend's blog. darn accurate. i am serious. everything is very true. =)

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education:

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

@ 11:58 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

in her attempt to cheer me up, lai suggested we go clubbing. o.O thats a first. but clubbing with her will be laugh. cause i am sure both of us will be cursing and swearing all the way through. and before you know, we will be outta place. cause seriously, both of us are SO NOT that scene. lols.

and its your favorite song! so why is it that i keep hearing it and then keep thinking of you?

i want to hear some of my favorites too!

@ 11:45 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i dont know about you all.

but out of all the lectures and tutorials planned by the 3 different instructors for AB105, the one i love the most is by Professor Steward.

he is interesting in lectures and if you havent realise, his tutorials are always interesting and requires creative thinking and very little preparation at home. its more towards making us understand ourselves? something along that line.

@ 9:22 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realised stats is a subject that needs a lor of intuition.

i mean, count how many times your stats tutor says intuitively in the tutorial! and how many times that word comes out in out textbk!

my stats sucks. becuase intuition is the last thing i have o.O

@ 2:04 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have a confession to make. i slept at 6am! i have no idea what i was doing! but yes, i slept at 6am. o.O

in a bid to cheer me up, he sent me the song ," I Will Survive". -___-

listening to songs from the 80s =) i am loving it! hahas.

ok, i am still so tired. havent done anything yet. shit! ok, heres some pictures from thursday - speech practice with the mkting gurls and dinner with kaili =)

@ 9:01 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i dont know where to go from here.

i dont want to go back to that vicious cycle.

but where do i go then? a little help?

@ 3:16 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i love Class95's weekend specials. this week is "All 80s weekend". have i told you i love the 80s? well, i do.

i broke down last night. i am never gonna be good enough for anyone or anything. i dont feel it. i know it. not for my family. not for my friends. not for love.

no matter how much i try to be understanding. no matter how much i try to put myself in their shoes. no matter how much i try to be the best daughter or the best friend. its never enough. people will always find fault in me. some say i am too reliant. some say i am too demanding. some say i am too bitchy. some say i am too emotional. i admit i have been bitchy and a little touchy-feely lately. but are you going to judge me base on that tiny period of time? and i have to have a outlet to express myself. andme being me. i let it out. i dont hide most of it. is that so wrong? i dont let it out ALL the time. but once in awhile i do. but people all around me will judge me base on that one time. what about the rest of the time? i am so tired of feeling all these. so tired of trying. so tired of being judge, even by my friends and family. so tired of feeling tired.

i may be victimise-ing myself. but thats how i feel. and its a cycle i cant stop.

when i cry, most of the time, all i need is not comforting words. just a shoulder to cry on. someone who will just sit there quietly and let me cry. and when i am done, no words other than, "feeling better?" ling realised that a long time ago. but both of us drifted apart since we graduated from deyi. the other person who knew what i need was my cousin, Mrs Ong. i remembered crying in front of the General Office once back in Sec4 cause my mum was diagnosed with cancer and was in hospital after her operation. she came and looked for me right after assembly and i just started crying. she didnt say anything just gave me hugs and let me cry. hahas. yeah. i thought i found someone who will understand recently. but i cant be more wrong.

anyways, i watched "The Wedding Date". very nice! i like how the main character is similar to me. and the phrases and words they used. 2 of which i remembered was, " Every woman gets to have the love life that they want" and "I rather fight with you than be make love to other women." =) Highly recommended.

what i've gathered from my friends recently is that most of them tend to or feel that you should hide your feelings, especially negative ones, from your girlfriend or boyfriend. i dont know why.

but if you hide these feelings from them, then whats the point of getting into a relationship?

i mean isnt part of the point of getting into a relationship is to have someone who will share these negative feelings with you? the other part is have some to share the happy ones with? and the other part is to have someone whom you can love unconditionally and be almost sure that it wont be unrequited?

maybe its cause i have never been in a relationship. maybe its because, like what kevin said, i am still immature. but thats how i feel what a relationship is about. dont you think so?

@ 11:37 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.