i'm sick. been taking medicine (thus, heavily drugged) and sleeping.

every move and pokes hurt! beh!

and not to mention that the top of my spine hurts? it feels as if theres a blue black there! but i cannot see. and it's useless to ask my mum cause she will just come up with some ridiculous reason-.- it feels like my neck is about to drop off.

oh wells. back to bed.
@ 11:20 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

should i be worried about my brother?

i mean, hello?! he is having prelims now and O's is 1.5 months away (i think). shouldnt he be hitting the books? hard? and not playing maple all day long?

i mean, 4 years ago, i started hitting the books 2 weeks before my prelims! then after prelims, i took a week break and started mugging REAL hard.

oh wells. i guess, he has his own "game plan".

and i guess, i should enjoy my good day today.
@ 7:39 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

@ 3:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

there's having fun. and then there's not acting your age.

he is not acting his age. it makes me want to puke.

there's trying to look cool. and then there's TRYING to look cool.

he is TRYING TOO HARD. it makes me want to embarrassed to even look at the pictures.

why do i feel like he is going to get shoot by me alot more?
@ 3:01 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

he wants to go back to easy banter. the aimless flirting and teasing.

but i dont want. i want a normal friendship.

therefore, he is making me tired. sometimes.

dont worry, i will never fall back in(:
@ 7:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

junk-fooding and chocolate use to fill the gap just fine.

but now, they make it worse. and i have stopped.

will crying help?

i guess i am having quarter life crisis. it IS proven that there is such a thing.

i dont know anything anymore. i dont know what i want. i dont know how i FEEL.

all i know is that theres this hole. this gap in me that i cant seem to fill. and it's been there since summer began.

maybe all i need is for someone to sit there and let me cry.

and a change of scenery. all these thoughts in me that i havent been able to listen and sort them out. but where's the money going to come from? and who is going to go with me?
@ 9:40 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

syndro got 2nd! (: to quote hj, "syndro has got an NBS princess" (: a princess is younger and more youthful than a queen right?! hahas. so proud! even though my contact with the heart2heart family is practically non-existent.

when i see the freshies, they pretend not to see me and vice versa. and theres just the occassional "hi" and "bye" with the seniors. oh yeah. and the mini-chat with some of the seniors on msn once in a very blue moon. but who am i to complain? i love my "family" all the same(:

just messaged kenji to wish him bon voyage and he replied with a very funny msg? he asked me to thank the others as well? ehhh...the others didnt send him off mah? hahas. but to anyone who is reading this and is from heart2heart, kenji wants to thank you guys again (i think).

tanoshinde means have fun in jap? hahas. no idea. i just googled it. oh wells.

i realised that everytime when i geared people up for something i want so badly, they end up getting it and i dont. like camp outreach last year. i was all for it and just because i wanted someone to accompany me, i dragged mad along and *tada* she got in and i didnt. then theres the psycho research. i was all for it. no doubts, no qualms. thought it will be something fun to do with scotchey while she is all for it too but just worried that the research would be a lot of work. and then *kaboom* she got in and i didnt.

figures huh? maybe i should do things by myself?

everyone's life seem to be moving on but i am still stuck at the same place. 原地踏步. what to do ?

and i need single friends. i just about have it here with attached people. not that they are mean or anything. but i just cant find anyone to do anything fun with me anymore. because they are all attached.

i just sound so bitter here. whatever.
@ 5:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

why are all the songs in my "Top 25 Most Played" list are mostly emo songs?

here they are (in order of play counts; decreasing order):

1. 只对你有感觉 by 飞轮海&Hebe
2. 非你莫属 by Tank
3. Me and You by Cassie
4. SexyBack by Justi Timberlake
5. When It All Falls by The Veronicas
6. My Love (Feat. T.I.) by Justin Timberlake
7. Buttons (Remix) by The Pussycat Dolls feat Ying Yang Twins
8. I'm A Slave 4 U by Britney Spears
9. Step Up by Samantha Jade
10. 美丽笨女人 by 潘嘉丽
11. Deep And Meaningless by Rooster
12. Give It To Me by Timbaland feat Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake
13. 黑白配 by 范玮琪
14. 原点 by 蔡健雅 & 孫燕姿
15. That Girl by Lindsay Lohan
16. That La La La by Rihanna
17. Ultimate You by Lindsay Lohan
18. Stay (Acoustic) from OST Goong
19. Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna
20. 倒带 by 蔡依林
21. Tell Me (feat. Christina Aguilera) by P.Diddy
22. 天灰 by S.H.E
23. 听说爱趁回来过 by 蔡依林
24. Deja Vu by Beyonce Feat. Jay-Z
25. 原來你什麼都不要 by 孙燕姿
@ 4:07 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my mum's flu medicine is really very good. i took it around 4am last night/this morning and was knocked out till my mum woke me up for lunch at 4pm. i didnt even hear my dad coming home from church or my sister and brother going out. well, semi-flu's gone though(:
@ 5:09 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

went to bed aching all over last night.

woke up aching worse than last night. and with a semi-runny nose to boot.

not feeling very good. probably because i am tired and sick and achy.

i want it so badly.
@ 6:01 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

something from Rihanna's Question Existing:

Take off my shirt. Loosen the buttons
and undo my skirt, Stare at myself in the mirror
Take me apart piece by piece, Sorrow decrease
Pressure release, I put in work
Did more than called upon, More than deserved
When it was over, Did I wind up hurt (Yes)
But it taught me before a decision ask this question first

Sometimes I feel like i have it worse cause I have to always keep my guard up,
I don't know who to trust, I don't know who wants to date me for who I am,
Or who wants to be my friend for who I really am.

and something from Good Charlotte's Dance Floor Anthem:

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
Than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s tripping on the phone
Now he doesn’t want her out there and alone
Now he knows she’s moving it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s loosing it
She don’t care

Everybody
Put up your hands Say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feeling good now
Don’t be afraid to get down say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”

yups.
@ 3:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my mum(: she keep saying she looks old.

cant seem to capture the clouds. the moon was hiding behind the clouds.

the new walls ice cream fridge at my dads shop(:

and i didnt see the rainbow around the sun today! mwwwaaahhhh...

the thought of learning to drive is creeping into my head pretty frequently these days. i just want to drive around. but then, my dad will never lend me the car. so yeah.

@ 11:43 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

in HSS library now while waiting for scotchey(: i was just trying my luck on the computer. then i realised that i can use! hmm..maybe next time i should come here and print my stuff. no queue as compared to FAL. whees~

union day today so lessons are cancelled from 1130 to 1430. came for accounting tutorial, psycho tutorial was cancelled and then theres 1 hour of psycho lecture today. behs!

something happened during tutorial today. my teacher was asking the class who was in charge of the project for the 4th local university. so everyone was throwing some names around. one of my classmates(who is now my group mate) said, "a-tap-chee! (the thing in ice kachang)." in a really convincing tone and my tutor agreed-.- and you know something? no one noticed the joke only me and the guy and his friends. hahahs. i was laughing so hard.

anyway, the tutor called my name pretty early today. so when she called me, i asked scotchey, "my turn le? so fast?" and everyone was looking at me o.O oh wells.

i cant decide if my mum is angry with me or not? shes talking to me normally at times, but sometimes, she just bites my head off on REALLY small matters. i hate it but then again i just ignore her and try not to talk to her unless necessary? like i was cleaning my room yesterday and i just wanted to ask her where the mop is? she said, " dont know lah. everything also ask me." GAH! she was the last one to use it.

sometimes, i think my mum finds it offensive that i am mopping the floor every other day (or when i have off days)? either that or she has taken it as NATURAL that i SHOULD clean the floor. because everytime i clean the floor, she will be very bu shuang and very cold towards me. whatever.

i dont know. it's always my fault somehow? no, thats not it. i have to be sensible, you see. so if i step out of line, it's like i am not being sensible and they dont understand how to deal with it? so they give me the cold shoulders and then play the guilt game with me.

and my sister keep wanting to broach on the topic of getting her own "recordong studio" at home. read: shes trying to butter me up so that i will shift my table to make room for her storeroom-studio. she started off trying to find a solution for both of us, but once she got a solution to her problem, she forgets about mine and not realising that her solution is actually adding on to mine. oh wells. i guess as we grow older, everyone gets this way. i am just the queen of fantasyland. still living in the world where people do things, just because. they actually put themselves into others people's shoes. it's just me. the queen of fantasyland.

anyways, i saw weilong this morning(: took the same bus. his timetable is madness can? 2 days with lessons till 1830 *faints* but it's a good thing he lives PRETTY near? hahhas. oh yeah, i realised something. i used to think weilong is good looking! my "secret" eye-candy because i cant tell anyone since he knows reika. hahas. okok, i still think he is good-looking.

and recently, i like tan people. cause they feel very warm(: not feel feel. but just feel okay? hahahs. so maybe i am converting back to my old type of guys (in terms of appearance)? the tall, dark and handsome type and not the newtype. ber should know what i am talking about. hees.

okok, i better go. people are walking around like vultures-.-
@ 11:17 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

went to school on tuesday for aa102 lecture. it ended at 4pm. which like URGH! because it's only 1.5hrs and therefore shorter than my travelling time. but we took some pictures(:


@ 3:20 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

just because you think and know that i have the ability to live alone, doesnt mean that i want to.

the problem now is that both my sister and i need our own space. but this is how my parents see it --> my sister need a space to practice her piano or a recording "studio" for short. their solution? empty out the storeroom and then enlarge it so that my sister can have her space. what about me?

i am suppose to move "my table" away so that my sister will have space. i am EXPECTED to compromise. my sister suggested that she can move out since she can share a flat with her friends. my mum wont allow her. when my sister say, what about our "problem"? guess what my mum said? " no worries. just wait another 2 years. then ah shan will move out." so it's okay for me to move out and not her?

i realised this has been the way my parents have been treating me all my life. it's not that they dont love or care about me. it's just the way they choose to teach me. to quote my senior, "..throw you guys into the ocean and force you all to learn to swim.." yups.

when i was choosing my secondary school, no advice. when i was choosing to do pure or sub science, no comments. when i am supposed to choose between jc or poly, no replies. when i am choosing between unis, nothing.

you may say, "maybe it's because they are not very educated. so they are afraid that they make say the wrong things." true. but you should see the amount of fussing they give my elder sister and younger brother.

and i am not ALLOWED to have bad days. i cant tell them how lousy my day is. or whats been going on in school. maybe they are busy? but they actually sit down and listen to my siblings. no matter how busy they are. i am SUPPOSE to cope on my own.

heres a list of things my parents' expectations of me: to be self-sufficient (monetary wise). to compromise to whatever request they have. to be independent. to hide my feelings from them. to not look for them unless it's a real emergency. to score well. to be self-motivated. to be pleasant. to be the perfect daughter.

why is it that everytime their friends see me, they are shocked to learn that they have a second daughter?

i dont even know what to type. there's just so many things swimming in my head now.

i said i will smile more last night. but now? i am just bawling my eyes out.
@ 8:13 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

pretty good monday in school today(: but i slept during the last half hour of investment. i was too tired and i dont understand half of what edmund is teaching. eeeks. but his lessons are interesting okay! he is like a walking FT archive-.- and degen is my part-time decoder. hahahs. oh wells(:

ohoh! on my way to school i saw this little boy who is around the age of 3? very cute! he was eating seaweed. and everytime he puts one piece into his mouth, he will smile at me! so sweeeeeettt~ *melts* i love kids!

and then after school, i went to get my pay at suntec. yes! i travelled from boon lay to city hall! and WALKED!

but i must say, kelvin quite nice ah. he came all the way to city hall to borrow HP6 from me and then accompanied me to walk all the way to suntec and then to raffles city shopping city to help lai look for her organiser and then to marks and spencer to look for my jam sandwhich (it's out of stock everywhere!!!).

and we had ice cream. i semi-treat him. lols. he wanted ben and jerry's but i wanted andersens and i won! haa! i had brandy cherry and rum and raisin *slurps* he is boring ! he got some cookies and cream and chocolate fudge-.- hahas.

yups(: a pretty good day(: and i bought a new bottle of toner from body shop(: i may be going back to get facial wash since mine ran out.
@ 11:37 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i dont play your game. and you act like a spoilt kid.

haa. move on.
@ 2:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

theres a reason why i am not a hero.

the "prophecy" (in this case, the drawings) say that before claire dies, peter have to die first.

then as peter, shouldnt you NOT go and look for claire? so that (a) wont happen and then (b) wont happen? it's like changing a small part of the future isnt it?

hahahs.
@ 2:01 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i knew i dont really love matrices ever since miss lau taught it back in sec 3.

and theres a very good reason. my eyes are blurry with the many many rows and columns of numbers i am trying to change into their reduced eculian form. hahahs. thank goodness i photocopied the solutions so i just have to make sure that i have the *flips self-made notes* row reduction equations correct then copy the answers. *phew*

the weekend is over (vivace tmr. so the whole day is gone.) and i only did BF212 and BF 215. i think i need to chiong next weekend le. ESPECIALLY for HP102 since i doubt i will have the time to go and read the 4 chapters of readings. each chapter is around 30 pages long not 12 pages like those abner have. tsktsk.

加油，女人！ 女人，加油！
@ 4:15 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the fireworks are quieter today. which makes them even prettier.

i can see them but i cant hear the usual *booms booms*.

they are higher today too. and i saw my favorite(: the curtain/shower/waterfall of fireworks.

my brother should be squeezing there tonight. i think he might bring back video clips of the event(:

and of course, scotchey is there too(:

me? i like the darkness of my room. the wind in my face. no noise. my lovely stars above me and watching the fireworks from afar.
@ 9:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

TO: SPP MEMBERS


check your emails! i have sent a soft copy to you guys! better reply soon OR ELSE!!!!
@ 1:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

how i miss those days..


@ 10:47 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

wednesday is almost over. i spent the day sleeping and reading(:

heroes is way too gory for singapore tv. so i doubt channel 5 will show it. even if they do, i bet a whole chunk of the show will be censored/axed away? ah wells. i love it so far(: Ali Larter aka Niki Sanders is hot! and Hiro Nakamura is just funny

the girls cancelled clubbing last week. i guess the next time would be most porbably during term break. thats like a month more away. okay, when i put it this way, it doesnt seem that FAR away. gosh. is it too soon to say that year 2 semester 1 is going to be over soon? hahas. ok, when smu people start school then that sentence will be TRUE! *faints*

smu people are most probably clubbing today? seeing that it's their last week of summer. so i guess clubs will most probably be jammed with smu people? oh wells. just like how last week it was jammed with NUS and the week before that NTU people. hahas.

ok, i just noticed something. all my textbooks are from mcgraw-hill !! hahhas. oh wells. i am going to take up a language next sem!! hahahs.

anyway, i should REALLY go pick up a skill. thats my new year resolution this year! sheesh. oh wells. is kboxing or clubbing considered a skill? how about putting on make up? ahhas.

ok, i am just blabbering but i like it(: off to read my textbook
@ 8:26 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

another week of school is almost over. and i am still stuck in that murky state. i guess instead of calling it "my dark period", it would be more accurate to say that i am stuck in limbo? ah wells.

i am actually losing confidence in myself. first, it's appearance and i suspect everything else will follow after that. since school started, i havent been there without any makeup on. shit.

anyways, something annoyed me today. i was all happy and thinking about which size of coke i should get from macs. but when i stepped into the LT, *boom* and i made quite a fuss that confused the two sampats o.O and i spoke/bitched/voiced my opinions really loudly. why? because i WANT the person to hear it. haa!

mean? ah wells. since when have i been nice towards people that irritates me?

say bye bye to my "uniform". but then again, maybe i shouldnt. i should show them how it's done. PROPERLY.

oh yeah! i saw juan, weilong, alan and reika during lecture today(: and i was there complaining to myself that i never see juan or any people from camp in school. hahas.
@ 2:17 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my nail job is sucky this week.

then while digging medicine for my sister, i damaged it. now my thumb looks like there's a land slide.

i better go to sleep. i need to wake up in 4 hrs time.
@ 1:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sunday "vitamins" -



dont know when. i've had a habit of checking out postsecret.com every sunday.
@ 7:28 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

falling in love should feel like this. from grey's anatomy(:

"... I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you..."

i love grey's(: all 3 seasons and all.
@ 3:41 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i havent been blogging here alot because i am mostly blogging over at myspace.com. yups.

i am officially in a dark mood. not the usual one. the dark one. the one where it's almost near impossible to pull me out. and i have the zero communication skills. impossible to have a proper conversation with me. 5 minutes and you are thinking up of excuses to escape from me. yeah.

yeah.
@ 3:53 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am so going to die for posting this. hahahs.

@ 11:34 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

national day(: and my body is patriotic. it skipped 3 weeks just to wait for national day. hahas. too disgusting? blehs~

cd is very rude. could at least say hi or something before asking me something right? after i answered you, you can at least say thank you right? we are not very close, are we? so you dont get immunity of forgetting. pfft.

scotchey and i discovered something, most accounting people are pretty peculiar EXCEPT for the two we always hang out with(: just in case, you are wondering who. they are gina and kl aka the pig. okok. zongfu is in the EXCEPT catergory too, i guess. hahas. okok, no offence. but we mean peculiar in a good way. i think. ah well. but dont take my word for it. because i only know a handful of accounting people.

oh. we skipped donut queueing last friday and went to laze in JP's pizza hut instead (we forgot to go to the arcade!!!). and guess who we saw?! kl and gina and their friends who just finished hall camp. i saw gina's boyfriend first. then i told scotchey. then we saw kl and gina but they zoomed passed us before we can call out to them-.- so throughout their meals, we are standing up and down, waving and letting out occassional shrieks. hahahs. the other people must have thought we are mad. kl only saw us AFTER they finish eating ah! *slaps forehead*

oh wells. cramps. headaches.

and look at my junior's nick!


he just have to be special. he cannot just say, "happy national day!" hahahas. i miss my juniors!!!
@ 8:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

so i had my first seminar and first BAF course today.

i dont really like my seminar teacher? as compared to kong yong kee (my FM teacher), it's really like a tortoise vs the hare (is that how you spell it?). my new prof is the hare and kyk the tortoise.

i think i need to dig out my handy small maths notebook i had back in JC. the formulas in there are actually the same as the ones he taught! except that they made it a gazillion time harder? like the first term of a GP/AP progression should be simply called "a" right? they called it C something-.- and the common ratio? instead of calling it "r", they call it "roll" (you know, the symbol that looks like a p?) hahahs. okok. dont run away. i am not going to talk about maths (:

so here i am at my favorite hangout in school. waiting for bestie to give me a call so i can leave for JP(:
@ 3:11 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the attachment (ie the hook for the rubber bands) dropped out. hahas. so i cant hook on the rubber bands! i have to go back to the dentist soon-.-

my mum and i spent half an hour trying to get the horizontal rubber bands out. we were staying at the window and pulling and tugging. hahas. it doesnt help that i keep going "ouch". -.-
@ 6:53 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

oh yeah. i must share this. abner has a very interesting view on pain:

"pain is weakness leaving the body!!"

so scotchey, next time you're in pain. remember this! (:
@ 3:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

pain makes me tired. so i got rubber bands. it is troublesome and painful. i am so lazy to even eat because that means i have to remove them and put them back on afterwards. grr..my mum has been very nice and patient to me though(: i tried to "apologise" for my short-temper and she just said it's the teeth. hahas. she said she gets headache if she got food stuck between her teeth so she wonders how i am still surviving with so many things in there. hahahs. oh wells.

my dentist is very nice too(: he keeps apologising when he was putting in the attachments. and he said, "JIAYOU!" before i left. hahas.

i realised that having braces has amplified my mood swings. and of course, i am very easily upset. i guess it's because the pain is almost always there so i am always tired and no matter how much i sleep, the energy gets depleted in a jiffy. therefore, leading to very very bad temper. *sigh* 10 months gone. 14 more to go o.O

oh wells. at least i cured most of my cravings before i got the rubber bands(: i KNEW there's a reason why i've been eating like mad last month. hahas. excuses!!

school starts on monday *faints*
@ 2:42 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

scotchey, heres the website(:

donut factory

remember! no more wasabi or cheese tartar(:

and this time, i am going to write down what i want and how they HAVE to PACK it. see if they can still refuse to give us paper bags or boxes! hahhaas.

ai ni o~
@ 2:36 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just finished watching Jurassic Park(: scary as it is, theres some funny quotes:

guy: god creates dinosaur. god destroys dinosaur. god creates man. man destroys god. man create dinosaurs.
girl: dinosaurs eat man. woman inherits the earth.

another one!

old man: all theme parks have delays. when disneyland opens in 1956..
guy: (interrupts) when the pirates of carribean breaks down. the pirates dont eat the tourist.

jurassic park 2 tomorrow(:
@ 3:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.