time adds fluff to memory(:

as i was putting on my pouch at work today, i realised that the pouch has become too small for my waist! i was horrified. did i just get fatter overnight? omg. so i just readjusted the size, put it on and went on with my tasks. of course, mulling over it while doing those tasks. so during closing, while i was counting the stocks, i realised that a new girl came on friday ! haa! so shes the one who tampered with my pouch! *karate chop* she dont know the rules! if you are not from JP then you should get your pouch from another drawer not from the "private" drawers. grrr.. so yeah. i DID NOT get fat. lols.

one more day of work! yeah-ness. cant believe i actually survived one whole month of full time job! *faints* now for some quality me time and friends time before i get ready to mug! going to church on saturday. gathering with the horny dynasty on tuesday. wednesday is back to deyi and some things planned with scotchey. thursday nothing. friday (hopefully) beach or ice skating with marketing gurls and some tutorial mates =) then sunday nothing. hees~

yups yups. i am a little hungry now..*sneaks to kitchen to scry for food*

cause in my mind i want you here. get on the next plane i dont care.

@ 12:25 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i finally saw my grandma today! we talked abit about miscellaneous stuff. me staying in hall next sem, me working, inviting her to visit my hall (if someone is willing to fetch her there) and etc. nice nice. i will miss my gramps when i move into hall =)

so i was doing a mini clearing up of my stuff (in other words, a weak attempt to declutter my life). so i went to one of my cupboard, sat down on the floor full of determination. the determination to throw away all the sec sch and JC materials. digging and digging then i saw 2 pink notebook and 3 pieces of printed paper. guess what they are? me and prem's failure(failed?) attempt to start a slam book. now, if anyone of you is questioning what a slam book is, well, its like a book(that gets passed around) with different categories -prettiest girl, best couple, hunkiest guy- where people get to vote and write in their own "candidate"! so i was flipping through it and laughing. i was voted as "the most 'irritating' girl" ! hahas. and guess whos the second runner-up? ying hong! hurhur. and i can safely say that all members in SPP, with the exception of san(the responsible chairperson) and mabel (shes pretty sulky then, now shes the total opposite=X), are all voted "the siao-est girl in the class".

and the second pink notebook was my lyrics book!! back in secondary 2 and early secondary 3, i have the habit of copying down lyrics of songs i like! EVEN IF i have the lyrics book and everything. so yeah. was looking through it and found some good old songs. like "Love Me No More" by Bardot (anyone has it?). theres some songs from hi-5 too. they are pretty nice and upbeat=) nice! might start the habit again. lols.

ok, and then there was the 3 printed pages. gosh. its amazing how flirting is more or less the same no matter how old you are? its the message conversation between me and bruno. yes! bruno yan zhi cong! the guy i was gaa-gaa over with in sec 2. the one whose name i vandalised on michelle's table while she was on MC. hahas. so we were talking about getting divorced, then i think i mentioned that we were never married so how to get divorced and yada yada. then he went,"lets go steady." and i didnt reply him and both of us just continued crapping. hahas. gosh. i burst out laughing while reading it.

kinda sad(?) that i am no longer in contact with bruno and well, winston. the guys i get to know on the beijing trip(oh yeah! did i mention that i found my first plane ticket too!!?). i still talk to winston now and then but bruno? nada zilch. its like the whole thing with him and kexin in sec 3 just complicate things. i mean, i got hated by one of kexin's friends because she thought i was a 3rd party that caused kexin and bruno to break up(well, thats what i heard)! gosh, no! but it doesnt matter now. kexin's happily attached! so yeah! hahas. and keeping in contact with bruno? sheesh! nehs! i have better things to do.

hahas. so in the end, i didnt throw anything away. my JC worksheets and sec sch notes are all still in the cupboard. so you know who to go to if you ever need all these stuff huh? hahahs.

living in denial is the scariest thing on earth. its harmful to yourself and to your r/s with other people. therefore, i am going to admit that i am still not over him. and i doubt i ever will be. but roomie, i told you i am going to try in 2007 and try i will! promise! and i am going to do it properly. not burying myself with activities and force myself to forget him. i will do it slowly. so yups =)

and if more than 2 people feels the same way about something, does that mean something?

to my oldest friend: you ok? if you want to talk, call or sms me ok? and i love ur new phone! you lucky lucky girl! *jealous glares*=)

@ 1:23 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok, i am hanging more and more stuff on my hp. first it was the donald duck. then it was the "rock girl " pendant i bought from perlini's. AND now, the pink doll thingy i bought (my besties are getting the purple ones from me). AND, i am thinking of getting the high heels pendant from perlini's and making it into a handphone accessories too. my my my.

was at J8's outlet today. darn. time past really fast at J8 outlet! theres a steady stream of customers. not too many. just nice. and most of them buy thing without much persuasion! not like JP. where we have to talk and talk AND talk before they finally agree to buy. hahas. but it was fun! my only shift with chan out of the whole month. yippeees~! and lorna (my OM) called and chatted with me for awhile =) shes also happy with my results! but of course, she says i must work harder next semester! shes always worried about my results. lols. seeing the JP gang for 2 more days then its adios. a lil sad. despite all my grumblings and moaning, i still like working=)

promise to write at least one happy thing per entry! haahas.

meeting with SPP on wednesday to go back to deyi. i miss the fishball noodles, fish and chips and fries from that burger store!!! after that going back to NTU to check in, then arcade then town. yeahyeahyeah!

was calculating my budget during break today..i think i have already spent $800 *faints* on phonebills, food, daily allowances, presents, gifts and etc. darn. and i realise, when i am working, i like to buy stuff for besties and my family members. gosh. now you know where my money have gone to huh?

alright, back to more numbers crunching!

@ 11:22 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

work was okay today. initially i didnt want to check my results until i get home. but in the end, i asked scotchey to help me check. we got the same results. its not that good but its better than what we expected. =)

i realised that i never moan about my results. or feel sad about it. well, other than prelims result last year. i am never affected by my results. the gruelling and sad part is the mugging period. as in, people will be greatly affected by their results. me? nehs. i am greatly affected by the mugging period. ahahas. if that make sense.

i came with a lot of things to say. but now i cant think of one.

@ 10:15 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i loaded this page with the intent of writing something happy. but i cant think of one.

shit. this is bad. i am remembering the unhappy moments in my day more than the happy ones. not good.

@ 2:47 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

still very much a britney fan. well, not the her now. but of her in the past. if that makes sense.

anyway, i feel so pissed off at work today. theres this customer who came and polish her item yesterday. 6 items in total before and AFTER polishing! she even said, "yup, correct. thank you." but she came back today and said i misplaced one of her items! one of colleague was there with me when i returned her items yesterday. so she told my supervisor that its not possible. BUT, i dont think my supervisor believed either of us. and she told me to be more careful in the future. HELLO!? its not my fault ok? i am already very careful! i counted twice for her! so what do you want me to do? refuse to give it to the customer unless they sign or something? the thing here is, i am not angry with the customer but i am angry with my supervisor. how can she not believe me?!! if its my RM she will most definitely believe me! and the supervisor have been working with me for like 2 months plus so shouldnt she know how careful i am when handling customer's items? URGH. thank goodness i only have 4 more days left (not including my off day tomorrow).

i was so pissed off with her that i didnt even give my best. i didnt bother to push sales. i just did what i am SUPPOSE to do. no more "best foot forward" or "go the extra mile". OB at work here! hahas. and i almost wanted to retort back, " you dont believe me is it? careful? how to be more careful? ask them to sign? i dont know. you teach me lah!" but i didnt. i ren all the way.

off day tomorrow. but i cant sleep in. got to wake up early to go to school and then back for dental appointment then for facial. darn. there goes my off day. but 4 more days! wu huishan, jiayou!!!

@ 10:29 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i forgot what i wanted to write.

something fun happened at work. but i cant remember what.

ok, heres one. in their despration to get their girlfriends a christmas, 2 guys came to me and said, " just grab any 2 bracelets and wrap them up! thanks!" left me speechless. for awhile. then i burst out laughing. hahas. but finally, with prompted answers, i helped them choose two fairly cheap bracelets.

ok, heres another one. a group of guys surrounding the showcase. i went up to them and said, "can i help?" one of the guy replied, " i want ear rings." i nodded and pointed over to the ear rings showcase which is jammed packed with people. the guy's friend, " show me." it doesnt sound funny here but meiling and i were feeling a lil ridiculous. cause its as if they wanted me to bring the showcase over to them -__- sheesh

ohoh! guy customer:"i want something for my girlfriend. shes an SQ girl."
meiling: "SQ girl?" *turns and look at me with a question mark face*
me:" you know. SQ!! *gestures madly* the plane? air stewardess!!! *puts out hand to imitate a plane*"
meiling: " ooohh!!!!"
customer: *snickers*

me(to yati): *in a teasing tone* " how can she not know what SQ girl mean?! thats like my future job"
yati: can can. you can qualify!
customer: "you sure you want to be a SQ girl?"
me: *shocked* "yups. want to try"
customer: " dont lahs. really ah? you shouldnt. *shakes head* very xin ku."
me: *shrugs*

ok, thats abt it.

@ 1:46 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am tired beyond imagination. i have never been this tired before. not even when i was surviving on 2 hours of sleep everyday during semester one. but today, i am really REALLY tired and very VERY short-tempered. now i am in a mood to look for a fight and just collapse and snooze.

next christmas, i am not going to work. i want my christmas back.

been to all the places that held memories for us. not intentionally. but coincidentally. i guess this is it.

next year will be better. i promise.

metamorphosis.

@ 10:24 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am tired. but i had the best christmas eve since dont know when. thanks to sivan, mabel and cynthia!! san couldnt make it though. had pastamania for dinner! yums~! and sivan bake english blueberry "tu tu kweh" for us. here it is:

after dinner we walked around, attempting to shop. sivan and me bought popcorns and we keep dropping it on the floor. we practically left a trail of popcorns behind! hahas. and of course, when you go out with me, we are bound to take lotsa pictures so here they are (well, some of them)!!

and thanks sivan for carrying my shoe!! hahas.

alright folks! meerrrryy christmas!!!

@ 12:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am so tired. emotionally i guess.

the inner "turmoil". the feeling that i just cant describe. causing me to put an unusually large amount of energy and focus on my job today. to get away from all these feelings. drained.

theres this little girl whos so cute today! she was holding to her mum's credit card and she was so excited to hand it over to me. and the way she said merry christmas was just uberly cute =)

and i feel a little accomplished today. i did this for a customer:

this cost 78 bucks. i put in every single word myself for that customer!! hahas. man. and i was squatting secretly in a corner asking meiling to help me "see-water" cause we are not suppose to take pictures in the booth. hahhas. wows!

alrighty. i am drained. night.

@ 2:52 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its call karma.

"..or would you wait for karma to come around.."

it did. and i dont really feel a thing. i am not sympathetic. i think you deserve it. but it doesnt stop me from worrying about you.

you say you are too busy to keep in touch with people. but in my dictionary. in my rules of life. theres no such things as being too busy to keep in touch. yes, theres such a thing as no time to msn. no time to call. no time to meet up. but no time to reply a sms?

thats pure BULLSHIT.

because sms is timeless. i mean i can sms you today at 8.20am. ok, you are not free to reply. fine. but i am sure somewhere in the day or before you go to sleep, you will at least have a minute to reply. am i right?

if the picture didnt cost so much, i would have tore it apart and poke holes through ur face. when all the longing and missing is gone, whats left is anger.

so yeah. have a nice life.

@ 1:00 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realised how much a family the whole JP staff have become.

i was doing cashiering when meiling came in. and it felt as if one of my "family members" have come home! and immediately, i stick my head aroud the counter and said, "got miss me?" hahahas. i dont even know how to describe it. but it was nice. =)

@ 11:45 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ola~! (or however you spell it.) i was practically in/un-contactable yesterday.

i switched my handphone off the whole day(well, until 8 plus) and i didnt have access to the internet. so i was stuck in "primitive" times. so i had time to pen down my thoughts in my new diary (i couldnt find my old ones) and well, just stone and space out. nice. and i cant wait for the first week of jan where i can do more of it! hees.

many things i need to do on my next off day. go for dental appt, facial, go back to ntu to register for hall and then bring my dad to see the doctor. ok, not bring but DRAG! he simply refuses to go. gah! *conks head* i need go get new bras. scotchey, up for it? lols.

meeting up with sivan, mabel and cyn for dinner on christmas eve.theres a stayover. but i dont know if i can survive it. because of we stay over, we all know we will stay up till god-knows-what-time yakking and gossiping. but i have work the next day!! AND after that i still have to work on tuesday! *faints* so must seriously consider. *thinks* i am looking forward to gossiping with my devil sisters but i am scared of feeling TOO tired. mwwwaaahhh! decisions decisions decisions!

working till 8 on christmas day. thats like so URGH!!!!! by the time i reach home, i wont be able to watch anything! no fair!! oh wells. oh yeah, will be at J8 next friday! hooray! hopefully i can get off work on time! then i can get home early!! then 2 more days till i officially stop working! hoorays~! :)

work hard and play hard next sem!

偶尔也要让你想想我。

@ 10:19 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i was looking in my past photos. the ones i took in august? not long after school starts and before i went for braces. my smile was real. it was translated and expressed in my eyes. i was happy and not always grumbling about my life. not lost. not weird. the old me was back. but what happened to it?

@ 1:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

busy busy day at work today. didnt talk much with each other. well, other than talking to joey in the morning during opening. hahas. after i came back from lunch, there were stocks and individual to do. and theres many many customers. so hahas. cant talk. but i saw lorna today ! yeah! thought i was not going to see her at all. but yeah! lorna still as scary and funny! the only person who "plays" with me :) but i almost freaked out when joey told me that boss was coming down. *faints* lols. but he didnt. *phew* dont come dont come. lols. dont get me wrong, hes a nice guy and all but its stillscary!!

i overcharged another customer today. darn. i am so not going to go near the cashier !! and i told joey that i am sorry for causing so much trouble. but she said its ok and told me to rest well tomorrow(thursday). 12 hours shift on friday and saturday. *shivers* i can do it!

friday full house! janice joey me cardrey and meiling! so fun! hahas. i hope.

went to visit J8. busy busy busy. i miss chan! hahas. joey was telling me how fierce chan can be when shes angry. and i nod. agreed totally! cause i got see before. hahas. *shivers*

saw joanna peh and that campus superstar winner at JP today.they were shooting some things there i think. oh well. and i got hit on by this thai customer. hes around early thirties maybe? he keep asking me for my name, where i live and etc etc. and i keep trying to change the subject back to the jewellery on hand. lols. scary.

off day tomorrow. i will sleep and sleep and sleep. hehes.

我也很想他我们都一样在他的身上曾找到翅膀

@ 12:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

not my day. made so many mistakes and mafan so many people. i overcharged customers, dropped items, messed up displays, got in the way and so on and so forth. joey, janice and meiling didnt scold me or anything. they just say, "its okay. no problem." especially joey. she didnt scold me for causing so much trouble. but then, the more she didnt scold or reprimand me, the more i feel guilty and bad. and when i told meiling, she just tapped me on the shoulders and said, "jiayou!"

so much things in my mind. i dont even know where to start. i bought a new diary cause i really cant find mine. thats so shit. and the new one is not as nice as the old.

i realised that the hardest thing is not learning to let go when someone desert or leaves you. the hardest thing is when you have to ripped/pushed them away and THEN learn to let go. one litre of tears is so sad. i want to watch more! but i restricted myself to one episode per night. heees.

one more day till my off day. my final day of rest before the mad rush towards christmas. late late late work!

想不到你的好只想和你得争吵

@ 2:05 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

the moment i stepped into the house, my mum said, "i've got homework!" hahahs. funny. she got to write a journal or something for her "activity". and she havent been writing for a very long time so shes super slow. and its super funny. cause me and my dad will keep kajiao-ing her on purpose. hees.

work was ok today. busy! and i did a transaction with 13 items! with no mistakes. feel so proud of myself. and i handled cashiering for quite some time while the rest were serving. proud:) and joey told me to be more confident when i do cashiering. woolah!

1 more week (excluding this) till i stop working! heeesss~!

councillor gathering! cant wait!

@ 12:39 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i miss renu.

i missed talking to her and sms-ing her.

i remembered we keep msging each other at night after our beijing trip in sec 2.

thanks, renu. i love you toos :)

@ 2:47 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

thanks sivan. for your email. but i am still insecure. we are still in contact but that doesnt mean things wont change. but i love you tons too :)

i was on my way to the toilet today. so i decided to put my hands behind me. and i mean PUT so no swinging involve. but i actually touched an Indian guy's private. and when i turned, he actually smiled at me. freako. i am so freaking disgusted.

then on my way out from the toilet, i got banged into twice. on my right shoulders by two different guys. and its such a short distance between my store and the toilet. fcuk.

i hope their balls hurt. and they will never have an erection ever again.

ok, thanks joshua. after not talking to me for sooooo long AND forgetting my birthday. what you said made sense and made me cry. heres what he said..

HOO-YAH! clap*clap* teamNYP dragonboat] ©__ Your Love Inspires Me Entirely..__ says:
honestly u are not like the senior i used to noe last time
[HOO-YAH! clap*clap* teamNYP dragonboat] ©__ Your Love Inspires Me Entirely..__ says:
happy go lucky
[HOO-YAH! clap*clap* teamNYP dragonboat] ©__ Your Love Inspires Me Entirely..__ says:
got fun then play
[HOO-YAH! clap*clap* teamNYP dragonboat] ©__ Your Love Inspires Me Entirely..__ says:
no fun then look for fun
[HOO-YAH! clap*clap* teamNYP dragonboat] ©__ Your Love Inspires Me Entirely..__ says:
u now like very bothered like that

and thats so true. hais. scotchey, if you are going to read this when you come back, lets find that me back next semester ok?

no more online friends. thats what i have come to a conclusion about. i am such a drama-mama person. no one can possibly know much about me(well, at least not much of my +ve side) WITHOUT face-to-face interaction. and this kinda friendship online are so darn bloody unstable. and thats the last thing i need in my life now.

so yeah. does that include him? i dont know.

@ 12:55 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

insecurities. or whatever it is you call it. its back nipping at me. i dont why its there. but when i woke up, its just there. i tried telling myself that they are irrational. nothing but irriational fears. but they wont go away. i would imagine myself pushing all of these insecurities away. visualise it. but it didnt work. they just keep floating back. i was thinking about stuff on the train and i almost cried.

i am afraid of letting people know how much they mean to me. i am afraid that they will leave me. they will use this "need" and make use of me. i dont want to give anyone a chance to hurt me. well, this is true to a certain extent. i dont know why i feel this way. i was never treated this way. so why?

all this unwanted attention this year.from old uncles, perverts, guys-who-treat-me-as-a-girlfriend-when-they-have-problems-with-theirs and guys who act like they know me very well when in actual fact they dont. i feel like shit because of them. and they do nothing more than add to my insecurity. i dont know how to phrase it so you know exactly how i feel. but i do feel it. and because of this, i am wondering if theres something wrong with. something that makes me a "substitute" material instead of a "girlfriend" material.

and the thing that worries me the most is my besties and close friends. i dont know why i feel this way when i just met up with them yesterday. but i am so afraid that they will drift away from me. that we will have less things to talk about, we will suddenly find ourselves runnign low on topics to talk about. that they will start to find me bimbotic, bitchy and totally un-me. that they will leave me all alone. that they will desert me. i dont know how to describe it to you too. but the fear was so strong this morning that it almost engulf me. i almost burst out sobbing.

then theres also insecurities about my studies and appearance. i dont even know where to begin.

and i realise something. he "dont like" me because of my insecurities. he said that before i can get attached, i should get rid of my insecurity. but then again, shouldnt that someone be the one who removed my insecurities? and not the other way round?

i wish i can turn back time and return to the period where he was my rock. where his actions is not liek what it is today. that he will accept me for all of my imperfections.

there are so many reasons why he is not my ideal guy. so why am i still hung up on him?

i think scotchey might be the only one who will at least understand the depth, magnitude and reasons of my insecurities and fears. but shes not in singapore. i miss her already.

@ 1:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i finally met up with the gang for my birthday celebration. i love them. thats pretty much what i realised today. the people i can go crazy with. and we just keep lame-ing each other. hees. and i laughed quite abit. but i have no idea about what. its just fun =)

here are the pictures. well, some of it.

the birthday gals =)

lotsa fun.

hw is leaving for msia tmr. who am i suppose to sms during work now ?! mwwwaahh. you better miss me, gurl! hahahs.

not feeling too good.

i hope you find your notebook soon. and i miss you. miss sitting next to you, leaning against you and not saying a thing with your arms around me.

@ 11:32 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

work was pretty good today. talked quite a bit. laughed quite a bit. and served quite a lot. if only every work day is like this.

no work tomorrow. yipeee~!

i am going to start asking people out for the first week of january. including him. that is if i ever get the courage to. so yups.

felt weird. i got a feeling hes not ok. but i dont know what to do. darn.

@ 2:26 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have no idea how to describe today.

i was numb? feeling empty? devoid of feelings? spaced out?

i didnt speak more than 10 sentences today. excluding the "pleasantries" i exchange with my customers that is. which is weird. everyone who knows me know i love to yak.

and of course, i discovered that i havent laugh out loud in a very long time. i havent laugh sincerely for a very long time.

@ 12:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am so tired. and this time, its so obvious that my colleague noticed. hahas. and i was not feeling so well today at work. giddy and pukish. but i survived :)

2 more weeks. woolah! kambatae nehs! you too, silly babe! still no news from his school though. hmms~ weirdy.

scotchey helped me registered my subject today (12/12/06) but if what sh said is true, then i dont think my core subjects are successfully changed! which means if i managed to get psycho, i will have a 5 day week. save me sia. 5 day week! o.O no way! bad bad bad.

tomorrow theres only 3 of us in JP! i hope the crowd will be managable though. cause if its too busy, we cant close on time. and if theres too little people, then time passes real slow. so yeah. MANAGABLE is the word for the day.

i still cant find my diary. darn.

samsung?nokia?

perm? straighten? cut short? black? colored?

i love semi-goth stuff suddenly.

@ 2:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

scotchey, that blog entry that i was telling you about? the one about missing people? its in April23rd, 2006.

hahas.

@ 2:26 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

thanks to sivan, kexin, eddy, kevin, gayathri, rebecca, dawn, weilin, lai, san, scotchey,elaine, jie en (shes the only one who called me=)) , chin leng (the only junior who remembered :)), peiyu, ber, charissa, mag, zhiyang, juan, heli and yuting! for you sms wishes!!

and thank you, shuhui, clare, scotchey (again!), lisa and ber (again!) for your testimonials =)

worked in NAC. morning shift. not too bad. served quite a few hunky dorkies today. lols. then i was praying and praying that there wont be people ard 7.30pm so that i can leave early to meet hanwei. heng! really no people! so i left ard 7.40? *phew*

changed and went to pastamania to makan! she got me a brownie! heees. we went to haagen daz afterwards (i ate she didnt). then we went to hilton hotel's toilet. hahas. heres some of the pictures!

thank you, scotchey! hehehs.

much as i dreaded it. the day turned out fine =) cant wait to meet the gang on friday.

and oh yeah. heres a picture of my running enthusiast:

hahas. he showed me this. so i might as well post it up. this is the only pic where he looked nice! and he REALLY looked like a runner. the rest of the photos, he either a) looked like his in pain (cause of his knees) or b) his face looked round! hahas. so yups. so here he is.

I AM 19!!!

oh yeah. he bought a crumpler bag before me! mwwwaaahhh! meanie!

@ 1:40 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

instead of a bag, my sis, mum and brother got me a Swatch watch.

and both my sis and brother were debating which one to get me! the pink one or the snow flake ones. i love both! hehes. but in the end, my sister won and they got me the snowflakes one. here it is:

but i need to get it cut. hees. i got my Swatch watch! i think i might just buy myself another bag =) a sling one! hahas. but oh wells.

as much as i was dreading today. i am still so excited. its always like this. =) its me me me me me day! hahas. cant wait to meet scotchey tomorrow! its nice to be FINALLY meeting friend(s) on my birthday. as in on the day ITSELF! hahas. oh man.

but i still wish i can see him tomorrow. even if just for awhile. even if its hi and bye. but nope. not gonna happen.

没有谁非爱谁不可。别在耳朵说着天真的谎。

@ 1:42 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i like these pictures, ok, not really like. but they made an impact. they are twins btw. amanda on the left and michelle on right. from ANTM 7. they look lanky and all but they look real good on film. =) my first impression of them were totally wrong. especially about michelle. =)

@ 2:00 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

yes, you know that hugs and kisses make me smile and dissolves my anger. but this time, virtual ones wont do. and you know it. empty words. thats what we say, babe.

on a side note, i think my sister bought me a white puma bag for my birthday.either that or shes spurlging again. hahas. either way! i get to use that bag =)

i think i have bee thinking about work too much. i was praying this morning and i think i kinda drifted back to sleep. so i was praying and talking to my retail manager and a customer at the same time. gosh.

*written on the train at 10.00am

@ 1:13 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am tired. i think my flu is coming back. MC? i want! but then again, since sally helped me change my shift from L2 to E1, i feel that i should at least show up tomorrow and on monday. i will see how i feel on tuesday and decide from there.

L2 tomorrow. i hope i can snuggled up tight in bed with my lappy before 12=)

i think he went clubbing. since zoukout is on today and yada yada yada. not good. he might drink too much. oh whatever. i am still a little pissed with him.

i had some thoughts on the train. but now i am too tired to think.

@ 10:20 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

and i am meeting scotchey for dinner in town on mondaay!

that is if we are both not TOO sick to meet up.wo ai ni~!

@ 2:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

he doesnt even remember my age.

you dont remember my birthday. fine. but my age? hello!!!?? ok, fair enough. you are my FRIEND. so friends dont necessarily remember each others birthday. but i am sure they will remember their AGE! cause its such a simple thing. even dumbo do that.

i was quite pissed. i actually wanted to say, " its 19, you asshole!" but i went "its 19 , dumbo". i wish i had said the first one though. pissed pissed pissed. and i told him i was pissed. and hes like," sorry dear. dont be angry with me." angry?! thats like the ~~UNDERSTATEMENT of the CENTURY~~ biggest UNDERSTATEMENT ever since the universe is CREATED. period.

and hes such a chicken! he just went offline after that. FUCKINGLY went OFFLINE! are you a man!? come on! fight with me.come on! dont just ignore me. and wait for my anger to subside. FIGHT with me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~! i swear, one of these days, i am going to stab him. not literally. but you get what i mean.

and susanto? next time you have a problem with your girlfriend, you can fuckingly stuff them up your ass. cause i am NEVER going to listen to you. NEITHER is lai. when i have problems and MSN (not sms) you, you will immediately switch from online to away/busy. once, i understand. but every single FUCKING time? well, read my lips. FUCK OFF.

*turns head into pillow and scream her head off* SHIT! i dont have voice to do that. URGHH!! a kevin-shaped punching bag will be good as a birthday present. like that one in princess hours.

@ 1:32 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

back from work.

busy busy busy busy. thats what today is.we were so busy that it seems like time just flew past! snap! break time. snap! time for janice to go home. snap! time to close shop! hahas. and i found out that i get to go to NAC on monday! hoping i can change to morning shift there though.

hees. a little sunshine in my dimming world. please please please let me have morning shift on monday! that will be the whipped cream on top of my ice cream. and everyone knows whos my cheery right?! hahaas.

BECAUSE today is so busy, i didnt have much time to think. and eddy was entertaining me throughout my break! and theres this very nice "waitress" in MOS burger=) and my ANTM 7 season finale is up on youtube. and my favorite gal (after all my favorite were voted off) won! hahas.

okies. not a bad day.please PLEASE! dont let anything happen to spoil the day. and please PLEASE dont let tomorrow be a sucky day. *sigh* skeptical as usual.

off to watch ANTM 7!

@ 12:26 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just want to pick a fight with him.

no idea why. but i am sick of him always feeling indifferent or ignoring me when this kinda thing happen.

i want him to show some feelings. to fight with me. so i can scream and yell at him. and maybe to hurt him.

some people hurt themselves to feel that they are alive. i guess i hurt people in order to feel that i am alive. like what cyn said, "you used to flare up easily to hurt others.." this is what i want to do to him. hurt him.

to show that he cares.

its twisted.

@ 1:50 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok,i dont know whats going through my head right now.

being bombarded by sms-es from people i dont really want to sms. not getting sms from people i want. feeling sick. missing him. wanting to touch him. no news about hall application. about to turn 19 and still nothing to show. an inkling that i have chosen the wrong path once again. not getting what i want. dreading monday.

all i know is i want to live in hall next semester. i want a social life so i can forget about him. i want him to want me. i want to stop worrying about money. i want him to comfort me. to sayang me. to tell me i am going to get well soon. i just want him here. even just to hear his voice.

i dont know. i really dont know whats going on. i think even if hes here, its not going to get better. i am just pissed with my life. with everything. i hate this feeling of not being in control.

i dont want to be passive. i want to be active. move or be moved. i want to be the mover. not the move-ee. i am back. the old huishan is back. but now i am stuck in a situation where i really cant do much. i am tidying up the mess the passive me had created. suffering the consequences.

whats happening to me? i wish i can just keep on sleeping and not wake up. no! i am tired of running away from things. but then again, i tried to face them. it didnt work. the problems didnt stop. they are still there. still lingering there. no matter how hard i try to change it or make it better, they are still there. larger than life. sucking life away from me.

sctochey, sorry if i said some stupid things last night.

i am all messed up again. maybe its cause i started work too early. maybe because i didnt have time for myself. maybe because i am tired of feeling tired. maybe because i am always trying to find a meaning to everything. like how i am trying to figure out where my "friendship/relationship" with him is heading once again. because this is NOT a relationship nor is it a friendship. i want to tell him i hate him. but i dont want to spoil his mood.

and guys, do not chalk all this up to pms. because its not.

i just wanna talk to you/my broken heart just has no useI/I guess promises are better left unsaid
that's the kind of love you give me/I'd rather be alone,believe me/is that the way you want to treat me/I'd rather walk away

but i cant.

@ 1:09 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i remembered!

yesterday as i got back from my break ard 6pm, theres 2 aunties who were looking at the rings. apparently, they cant decide which one to buy. so i was introducing a few to them and taking a few out for them to try. so one of them couldnt decide if she should buy one more ring more since she already have one on her finger. so i was telling her nowadays people wear tons of rings on their fingers and so on and so forth.

so the other auntie noticed that i dont have any on my fingers. so she asked me why i never wear since my fingers so elegant (her words! not mine!). so i was like shocked. so i told her i dont like mahs. then the first auntie went, "no lah. no one chasing her mahs. so she never wear lor!" hahas. i was like agreeing.

so true. funny.

@ 11:33 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

back from work. at last. tomorrow is my OFF DAY! woolah! but then no dates. so hmm..

sick. fever, flu and cough.all in one. and i actually survived 2 days with all these symptoms! i guess tomorrow is spent sleeping and trying to get well for the mad dash towards christmas. hao! i will jiayou de.

i wish he would call me. but oh well. keep on wishing!

i had quite alot of thoughts just now. but now i cant think of one.

sheesh. and i still cant find my diary. sheesh.

@ 12:35 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i cant find my diary! omg. this is bad.

one "good" thing abt me is that i dont go back and dwell on sad things. even if i do, its just for a few hours? but hes different.

and i sucked at comforting. someone, please remind me how i use to comfort people in sec sch.

i want to tell him how proud i am of him. how everytime i see people wearing the "Finisher of 42.195km" shirt, i feel so proud. hahas. and i want to tell him that hes fine the way he is. but i cant. i cant get the words outta my mouth.

all i can think of now is to hug him. to express everything that i wanted to say through those hugs. but then again. its not possible. so yeah.

@ 2:03 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my wireless screwed up yesterday. so i was back to the non-internet days. was watching tv! omg. been eons since i sit down properly in front of the TV! hahas. but why is it that the commercials are still the same? tsk tsk.

i am sick. i am sneezing so hard that my back hurts. hahas. i was holding a tissue and serving my customers at the same time.wonder if they find it disgusting. i am so sorry. but theres no way i can get an MC! and of course, if i go on MC, theres gonna be havoc since theres only 3 of us today. so yeah.

going to take my medicine and snooze away soon.

one more day till my off day! JIAYOU! and 3 more weeks before i can have my holiday! hahas. so you lucky people out there! enjoy being bored. enjoy having nothing to do! cause its bliss! i cant =(

*sneeze*

5 more days.

爱情的开始原来是陪伴

@ 12:23 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

today was busy. but i met sally! and i took a cab with her home. i miss her laughter! hahas. shh..dont tell her.

then he didnt sms me today after running. i had to initiate. so yeah. but 5hrs 5 min. i feel so proud of him. no idea why. i just want to give him a hug. note. give not receive ok?!

and sh, i know how you feel. but no matter what anyone say, its not going to be any use. just grid ur teeth and do what you feel right. and it will be over. i was through it once. believe me.

late shift again tomorrow. with stelly. scary.

@ 12:10 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i really didnt know what to say when he said he is scared. when he said his calf muscles hurts.

what i really want to do is hug him. and sayang him. because i am not good with words. i was once. but now, i am not.

thats why i was wondering and telling scotchey. how much does he know about me? how much can anyone know about me without either reading my blog (apparently, my blog is very much like me) or meeting me in person? ESPECIALLY since i am such a drama princess and so action-packed. *i see heads nodding*

i feel so helpless.

about EVERYTHING. my life. my crush. my feelings.

@ 12:18 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my running enthusaist is going for 42km tomorrow. so is my eye-candy i think.

JIAYOU!

sms me when you are done. i hope he will.

@ 10:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

on my way home, i was thinking about NBS bash. how being located at JP has screwed everything up.

i cant go to NBS bash AT ALL. no choice whatsoever. and it sucks to know that my friends will be going.

and then i found out my bdae gathering is going to get postponed again. cause next thursday,ALOT of people cant make it.

can it get any worse? go on. make my day worse. i dare you.

i need you to make me cry. i need you to hug me. but you dont know that.

@ 9:49 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i promise myself not to talk about him directly here anymore.

but i have to say this. how do you know what to say eveytime? why is it that, you dont get mad when i am unreasonable? why is that you are always there for me when i am sad/lonely/stressed? you are always the first one to reach out your hand to pull me out. like that time during exams and now.

just 3 words from you just now, makes me start crying. the tears just started flowing. i felt so bloody lonely. i havent laughed or smile genuinely the whole day. and 5 mins into our conversation, you know something is wrong and did something silly. that was my first smile. and i felt better. then before you go, i was unreasonable because i dont want you to go. i dont want to feel alone. and you said the thing i wanted to hear the most. hence, the crying.

thank you, babe.

but i wish, i can be there for you like you've been here for me. maybe someday you will let me.

i have pretty much given up analysing our "relationship/friendship".

@ 12:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.