time adds fluff to memory(:

i have this sudden urge to blurt out in japanese. hahas. a result of too much sakura-.- i cant find deathnote episode 28 on youtube! does that mean i have to resort to reading ENGLISH manga *horrors* this cant be good. shall ask ghim chuan if he was able to download that episode. *determined*

yeah. so while bathing i suddenly thought of somethings that happened a few week back. well, more like conversation that things.

if you have been to my house in the past, you will know that my house is renowed for its mess. yups. you heard me. hahas. right, sivan? so i was on the phone with san that day and this was our exchange:

me: you know, we threw away quite alot of stuff in the living room. like the sofa and that table where we used
to eat maggi mee? it's gone.
san: *very excitedly* so your house now very very neat lahs?!
me: *awkward* erm. it was. but because its exams period, my books and notes are all over the place. but wait,
until i finish my exams! confirm very neat.

at which point, she started laughing for quite some time! mwwwwaaahhh! my house is really much more spacious than before!!! hahas. just that my notes and textbooks are literally EVERYWHERE now because of the exams! thanks for your vote of confidence in me, san-.- hahahs.

next! this happened a mth ago? dont remember if i ever blogged it down. but well, me and scotchey was at JP's popular and i wanted to get her attention. but she wasnt responding-.- so....

me: pig! oei! scotchey! *still no response* (walks over) hanwei!
scotchey: *shocked* it feels so weird to hear you call my name!

thats like so ermm...but its true! i think we can count the number of times we call each other by name with just our fingers. lols. if you get what i mean-.-

so yeah. ok, i better go to sleep!!

@ 1:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

was reading joyce's e-mail.

i have come to the conclusion that results will be out between 11th may and 18th may o.O?

@ 4:07 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i've made my "peace offering". but if you dont want it, it doesnt really bothers me.

i dont know, man. many people are complaining about others being fake. but when someone do come along and not be fake, they cant take it. sheesh. but what i said, was my personal opinion. it doesnt represent that of the rest.

i guess, it all boils down to this. can you handle the truth?

not all people tell you what they dont like about you all the time. they might snitch about what they dont like about you behind your back. then they will snitch to you about the other person's bad points behind their back. thats reality. isnt it? oh, admit it. i know some of you do it sometimes. especially to people you are not THAT close with. it's not really anyone's fault.it's just the way society works. because lets face it. if everyone starts telling you things thats negative about you, can you handle it? i, for one, dont really think i can.

so what to do? listen to what those people are bitching about you. filter out some parts. keep some. and learn to let go. makes life easier. and you dont lose any friends.

i am glad in SPP, we are not fake(: we tell each other what we think about each other. and most importantly, we know everyone means well at the end of the day. no grudges and everything(:

ohoh. i dont know how many people i have offended with this post. but seriously, i am just in this really sarcastic and vicious mood. and i just have this theory for quite some time. so why not just put it down? no one's really innocent or free from bitching. seriously. so dont act like sugar(or was it chocolate?) wont melt in your mouth. *gags*

scotchey, kl, ber and SPP. i dont bitch about you all! because i am the most honest with you all! if you get what i mean(: love love.

oh and if anyone thinks that i am attacking a specific someone in this post. I'M NOT! but if you really feel that strongly that i am attacking you, well, be my guest.

@ 3:31 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

害怕
歌手：孙燕姿

忘
我没有很努力要自己去遗忘
那些和日记一起收藏的过往
孤单在思绪之中变得很漫长

想
我没有很刻意让自己不去想
那些和照片静止的模样
我学着坚强
坚强到不用学着不想
学着遗忘

还是害怕夜深人静时总想起你
还是害怕的不经意听见你的消息
然而当爱已经沉淀得太清晰
当拥有已经是失去
就勇敢的放弃

还是害怕一个人时就很难忘记
还是害怕突然宁愿当初没有决定
然而当爱最后的出口是分离
我会这么相信
走下去

i like this song. its really old. but i heard it on the radio today. and i guess it really describes what i want to say. what i ~~feel~~ felt. but now, i am okay. i think.

that photo that i love so much. i've misplaced it. those words that you said. i dont think i will ever have the courage to msg you again.

@ 1:22 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

one of my bestie said this, "it's funny. i never include love and relationship into my plans."

at the point in time, i was like, "are you kidding me?" and a debate followed.

after i hung up the phone, i gave it some thought. and i realised that, i never did include love, relationship and getting married into my goals and plans too. kids, yes. but not a husband or boyfriend or something along that line.

you might think that having a boyfriend should be "goes without saying". but nopes. it wasnt implied in my plans.

then what brought about the whole "needy" thing now? my besties conclusion? tertiary study. it just cause people to want to get into BGR and such. which is true. hahas. so yups.

i shall just stick to my plans. i mean, what could go wrong? its been with me since i was like in primary 4?

@ 2:34 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

The word "busy" is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a god excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didnt care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

Excerpt from "He's Just Not That Into You"

hahas. thank you. FINALLY i found some "backing" to my theory about too "busy" to message/go online/ call. and to be fair, it doesnt ONLY apply to guys. girls too. in fact, everyone! no one is ever too "busy" to call. they just cant be bothered.

this book really make sense. and it makes me feel like slapping myself. because every reason that appeared in the book, i have used it to explain his actions. hahas. oh wells.

@ 1:59 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

love this commercial. but not the brand. lols.-.-

@ 10:15 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

lols.

my mum went to the door to look at who it was and at the same time, my dad opened the door from the other side. *bang*

darn funny-.-

@ 9:23 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

back from volunteering:)

the little girl really have no mood to study. *sigh* so i end up teaching her how to use front page. lols. and then introducing her the book, "The Witches" by Roald Dahl. she seem quite interested in it.

i told her to bring her textbook next week. so hopefuly, it will go better:)

and thanks, ber:) for distracting me last night.

@ 7:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

was reading some of my old entries.

at some point, the tables turned. i started giving. he stopped.

i forgot about all the nice, sweet things he did for me. i forgot. but i know how happy i was then.

i feel like talking to him now. but i seriously dont think its a good idea. and he is the one who said we dont have anything in common. so if i go talk to him then i am seriously looking for trouble.

@ 2:49 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is crap.

i should be the one who is angry. and he should be the one who comes and talk to me first. but fine. i tried to talk to him. well, i told him that i bought "Night at the Mueseum" . and guess what? he IGNORED me. fine. i am NEVER going to talk to him. fuck it. and if my parents ask me to try, i will tell them to take a hike. and if lai know what i just did, she is so gonna slap me. urgh. i feel like slapping myself too.

on a lighter note. i have ONE paper left! *yipees* and its next monday:) i foresee meals with SPP , dessert partner and my mkting girls. to the beach! to taman negarah! to work! whoops~:)

and me and scotchey are officially, proud owners-to-be of HP 7!

our pockets are lighter by around 48 moolahs. but its money well spent! hahas. we met a weird lady on the bus. we both got fries from macs and we took 199. we INTEND to eat on the bus lahs. but we HAVENT start yet. and macs being macs, it smells damn nice. and guess what this lady did? she turned around and asked us not to eat on the bus cause the smell is overpowering! wth! its not durian or anything! and if we eat OR not, the smell is gonna drift to you anyhow de! grrr..so scotchey being the nice person that she is*tempted to delete the words i just typed*, she just tied up her plastic bag so the smell wont come out. me? i didnt care and after scotchey alighted, i went to sit in front and happily ate my fries. blehs! hahas.

i went for a mini shopping spree too -.- i went to J8 and bought the vcd, "Night at the Muesuem". i bought 8days because stephanie sun was on the cover (and therefore, i MUST get it for my sister). i went to library and got 4 books on social psychology (i am mad, right?! just finished psycho and i am reading more psycho). didnt get any fiction books. hahas. but the 4 books very nice ok?! for the book list, please look at the left hand side of my blog:) oh, and i went bought contact lens. but thats covered by the pay i get from helping out in the open house and in perlini's sales:)

i went to seach for this book called, "Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry " but NLB dont have it in hard copy! they only have it in audio. thats so weird!!!!! hahas. so i guess, i have 2 books on my list of books to buy, namely, "Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry " and "Unhooked". hahas. is it cheaper to buy online?!!!

i can hear my moolahs dropping out of my pocketT_T its ok! i am going to earn it all back during the hols :)

and nope, i am not going to talk about bizlaw. hahas. except ah-ying was like 1 seat behind me in the next row! *drools* hahas.

ber is watching POTO today. lucky banana!! ;p

*note to the "nice" lady. the pictures we took today is blur NOT because my skills louya oh! its because my camera settings is at its lowest-.- AHHHH!!! and scotchey! my cousin actually knows ah-ying!! *horrors*

@ 7:26 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

everyone is asking me, "did you tell your sister?"

what everyone dont get is that everyone in this house is afraid of my brother. no, wait. my parents are not scared of my brother. they just let him do what he likes. to the point where they will come up with every excuse possible for every bad thing he does. and my elder sister? shes scared of my brother.

i am tired. to everyone who dont know it yet, my brother hit me on sunday. yes, he hit me like a maniac. and guess what? my parents put the blame on me. they dont tell him its wrong to hit me the way he did. when i showed them my blue blacks and cuts, they say its normal.

i couldnt take it. so i shouted, "maybe when i am in the hospital. maybe when he killed someone. then you will realise that he is violent. and when that happens, i am not going to help. i will laugh. and i will say, i told you so."

i like the way cynthia puts it. she dont use him but it to call my brother.

thanks, ber. for giving me that hug. and for saying that you know that its not the one i need:)

i need to cry. but not alone. not in this god damn place. i need someone to be there to hold my hand or something while i cry it out. without saying anything.

lai told me shes worried for my safety, my exams and my well-being before she hung up the phone last night. she said she dont know who i can call since shes away in macau. shes right in a way. theres one more person who can make it alright. but i am not going back there.

my sky is falling. but i cant scream for you.

@ 1:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

some truth in it. oh wells.

@ 12:21 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am starting to detest my mum.

she avoids any talk about the injuries my brother caused me yesterday. my right thumb is injured and i told her i might not be able to write for my bizlaw exams tomorrow. she just ignores me.

i told her my back hurts. and my cuts are still bleeding. she just ignores me.

fuck it. i can tolerate you not putting blame on my brother. but i cannot tolerate you ignoring my injuries.

i hateyou.

@ 9:13 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

from someone's msn nick:

"..and it's alright if you're undecided, or if you're scared that you might like it, or if it's true:i ache for you."

@ 5:47 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

there used to be a time when looking at your pictures are enough to chase away the blues. to make me laugh, no matter how bad my day was. i tried that today and it doesnt have that kind of effect anymore.

i wanted so bad to msg you and tell you what happened. but i dont know how to start. i dont know how you will reply. and i dont want to make you feel uncomfortable. i havent talk to you for two weeks now. i guess, we are just strangers.

my right thumb hurts. many cuts every where. not to mention the blue blacks. and i am coming down with flu (what with all the crying and all).

thanks to sivan and lai for holding on to the phone while i cry. thanks to scotchey, mabel and cynthia for your messages.

but that doesnt stop me from wanting your hugs.

@ 12:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

sakura makes me laugh:)

@ 3:52 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

was asking scotchey about the local inter-uni exchange thing. i really do feel like going to smu for an exchange.

but after weighing out the possibility, we think its not possible for me to do it. cause the course i will be doing is not available. unless i am mad enough to be willing to spend a semester clearing all my psycho electives. hahas.

is that how it works? oh wells. i guess i am stuck in ntu till i graduate.

@ 3:02 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

Just a Little Girl
by Amy Studt

Sometimes, I feel you're not listening.
Sometimes, I feel you don't understand.
That I think I got the answers,
Already know what you're going to say.

'Cause I'm just a little girl, you see,
But there's a hell of a Lot more to me.
Don't ever underestimate what I can do.
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

You say I'm just a little girl, just a little girl,
How can I compare?
What do I know? What have I got to share?
But there's nothing in this world, nothing in this world,
That could pull me down.
Can't you hear me? Don't You understand?
That i wanna be myself, wanna to be the girl,
Going to be the one that you can rely on.
Well I wish that you could see, all there is of me,
How I long to be,
That you take me for who I am.

'Cause I'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me.
Don't ever underestimate what I can do.
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

'Cause I'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me.
Don't ever underestimate what I can do.
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

Sometimes, I feel you're not listening.
Sometimes, I feel you don't understand.

'Cause i'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me.
Don't ever underestimate what I can do.
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be.

'Cause i'm just a little girl you see,
But there's a hell of a lot more to me.
Don't ever underestimate what I can do.
Don't ever tell me how I'm meant to be

When You Look at Me
by Christian Millian

[verse 1]
You’re probably thinking that I want those things
Cash, cars – diamond rings
Thinkin’ on my side the grass is green
But you don’t know where I have been
I could be a wolf in disguise
I could be an angel in your eyes
Never judge a book by it’s cover

[B part]
I could be a crook or your lover
I could be the one or the other
If you’d look beneath you’d discover
You just don’t know me!

[hook]
Tell me who do you think you see
You’re standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I’m so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

[verse 2]
You look at your neighbor thinking ‘what a guy’
Cuz he’s got a 9-5
And I bet that you don’t realize
He stalks you while you sleep at night
Yet you’re scared of the homeless guy
Think he’s gonna wanna start a fight
Never judge a book by its cover

[repeat B part]

[Bridge]
(Talk) Now tell me, who do you think I am? Huh?
You don’t even know me
Well did you think about this

[repeat B part]

@ 3:21 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

when a 12 years old say that the songs in your ipod is old, it probably is.

i need to listen to 987fm AGAIN-.- i need updates on whats new on the english music scene. and i need new songs. hahas.

been feeling like this for quite some time. desiree just confirmed it. lols.

@ 2:07 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

guys are rude. period. theres no two ways about it.

i dont care if i am making a fundamental attribution error here. or i am stereotyping.or i am behaving like i have histonic personality disorder. or schzoid personality disorder. or i am just being over dramatic.

guys are rude. period.

@ 2:03 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

*ahem* sampat king and queen mother, WE DID IT!!!! hahas. we finished 3 papers this week! so we have 2 more to go! *claps*

i saw ah-lun today. me and scotchey was sitting outside exam hall L when i saw ah-lun walking our way. i was so excited that i hit scotchey many many times on her leg saying, "ah-lun eh! ah-lun!" very very excitedly :) hahas. and then he stood in front of us talking to his friends. boy, he do sweat alot-.- he was furiously wiping his brows just now. tsktsk. wanted to wish him good luck but didnt have the courage. hahas. i guess scotchey was right, smiling and actually saying hello IS different. hahas. this is ABSOLUTELY the LAST time i can see ah-lun. *sniffles* hahas.

and no matter where we go today, we keep seeing sampat king-.- before we entered the exam hall, on 179, in JP and in NTUC-.- omg!!!!! NTUC's DARS actually cost 25cents cheaper than ActionCity. and that means its 35cents cheaper than Quad's. ok, i sound like an auntie. but i am a very poor student who consumes huge amount of DARS chocolate, ok? lols.

and while we were looking for a cashier to pay, scotchey walked all the way to the end and came to this counter that didnt accept credit cards. she ACTUALLY turned and looked at me, "no credit card eh.." i am like o.O xie xie ni, scotchey! thanks for thinking that i am rich enough to have a credit card. BUT its only 4.20 ? hahas.

ohoh! and she went to the wrong exam hall. we were outside the exam hall le. and i thought she knew! so i went and talked to juan. but after i talked to juan, i turned to look at her. but alas! i saw her walking very PURPOSEFULLY to the other exam hall. i had to call her back before she realised her mistake. should have let her walk some more hor? hurhur.

okie dokes. my rest day today. tomorrow volunteering then biz law :) gambatae nehs!

@ 10:48 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my desktop wallpaper now:)

been questioning about why i am feeling so unhappy about my life these days. cant find an answer. not good. need to stay focus for my paper tomorrow.

is my social life as stagnant as i really think it is? or am i just being unreasonable? all i know is that i miss my gurlies, and knowing that i may have to spend my holidays alone (as they are all working), kinda depress me. and at times like this, i envy scotchey because even though she cant meet her girls during sch term, at least they have the same holidays.

but then again, i am happy for my marketing girls. because we are going to ECP again. and of course, the trip to taman negara (still impending). i wonder if we will ever make it to club though. hahas. we have been talking about that since last sem. and look at us now.

i miss my girls. i miss having them around(:

@ 2:27 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i just realised something. well, its an observation.

on a scale of nice, borderline and mean. and you compare me with kl and hw. i think the result will be..

nice --> kl
borderline -->hw
mean --> me

hahas. and i agree totally. oh wells.

@ 11:49 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

hahas. IT was crap. but i STILL dont wish to discuss it because its done and theres nothing we can do about it. psychology tomorrow!! you know, while trying to memorise the many names and types of psychological disorder, motivation and emotion, social psychology, intelligience, personality and human development, i kinda miss GEOGRAPHY! because geography is easier to study than psychology. you just need to know the process then apply it during exams. psychology? its not ENOUGH knowing about the theory, you need to have names and explain it. blehs.

after tomorrow i will be almost done with my exams! hees:) i have decided, i will order HP7 from SingPost on Tuesday after bizlaw. scotchey, make up your mind!! hahas. give in to the temptation to buy~ hahas.

oh yeah, i can actually see my own theory being put into play in my life. have i ever told you that i have a theory that you get out of liking someone by shifting that like to another? its like coming out of one obsession and then into another. theres no or hardly ever a neutral stage where you dont like another one. well, unless you NEVER start liking anyone at all. so yeah.

so for me, its the case. i got out of one, and now i am "getting" into another. but this time, this might the lifeline to get me into the neutral stage. because it is NOT reciprocal. hahas. hoorah!

ok, i am tired. and i still have to review my psychology knowlede later. wish me luck! i really want to minor in psychology and i dont want it to pull down my GPA-.-

@ 10:31 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

shit man. either i am finally getting curious about the nightlife (you are given permission to laugh) or my backside is itchy.

i feel like trying out clubbing. (ok, you can laugh again because nobody TRY clubbing-.-)

i've got people offering to go with me. just not those that i want. *hint to mkting girls and SPP*

hurhur.

@ 11:53 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

smu's campus radio is better than ntu.

and i love this part from step up by samantha jade:

"And when the symphony plays, I feel my feet
Lifting from underneath, you grab my hand
Spin me around and right before I fall
You catch me and you say, baby, it'll be okay
Just look into my eyes and we will make another day"

@ 2:38 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

after awhile. i just kind of stop checking to see if he is online. in msn, myspace or friendster. thoughts of him just kind of stop occurring as often as they did.

maybe its caused i am too cramped up with work. maybe its because of a new distraction. maybe its because of many because.

oh wells.

@ 12:33 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

thank goodness, i am born a girl. because as a girl, i have the right/perrogative (is this how you use it?) to have the rainbow in my pencil case ie many many pens and highlighters in different colors. and i can buy those sweets and chocolates thats wrapped in cute/pretty wrappers!

but if i'm a guy, i cant have those pretty highlighters in my pencil case. and i cant buy those cute snacks because they are too girly! omg. i think i will die. hahas.

*phew*

another thought (they just kinda keep coming).

see, girls are required to shave when they wear sleeveless top or shorts/skirts (ok, maybe not for shorts and skirts.)but what about guys?!!!

i just find it disgusting that they will wear those jerseys (?! o.O) and NOT shave! first, it's not visually pleasing. second, you mean you are going to hug your girlfriend with that sweaty armpit after that?! eww eww..

my girl friends say guys who shave are just weird. but to me, i think its nice. i mean if you want to show off your armpit, PLEASE SHAVE. hahas. i mean, if girls are EXPECTED to shave then shouldnt it apply to guys? hahas.

i SHOULD BE thinking about ACCOUNTING not these silly thoughts-.-

@ 7:01 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

what we did during the last stat lecture we went to back last year. the girls are trying to get me ready for my first "date" with him. lols. not really that funny. but it brings back memory:)

@ 4:21 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

when i'm aching all over, i miss him. when i dont have anyone to talk late into the night with, i miss him.

but i survived 9 days!! and i will keep on surviving!!!

just miss sending MSN "Kiss" and hugs in conversations. just miss having someone who understand what i mean when i do *pokes* and orhs.

cant wait for the first paper to start! hahas. cant wait for my summer to be here~! all thanks to smu people. them and their many talk about summer-.- hahas.

@ 3:46 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its nice to hear it from a guy's perspective.

@ 2:51 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

You Are 53% Burned Out

You're fairly burned out, and it shows.
You probably have been feeling a little rundown and irritable lately.
If you can, drop a few of your minor responsibilities and focus on what's really important.
You have too much on your plate, and it's catching up with you.

Are You Burned Out?

Your Summer Love Type is Go With the Flow

A great summer love may be in the cards for you ... or not.

You'll have a fantastic time this summer, taking what comes.

What you want is flexible - what you'll get is up in the air.

No matter what, you'll have fun - and maybe a few flings!

What's Your Summer Love Style?

Your Mind is PG-13 Rated

Your mind is definitely a little dirty. You're naughty, but not trashy.

You don't shy away from a dirty joke, and you're clearly not a prude.

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

@ 1:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

its not like me to not tell my friends. and i forgot whom i have told and who i have not. so i am posting it here. my dad is going for an operation next mth. my mum's operation is put on hold because she still refuse to go for it. yups. me? i am still holding up, i guess. but i think besties are scared that i will crumble. i am surprised i am still holding especially with all the things thats going on in my life.

was reading through some of the post. and i read that my cousin once told me, "its not that you are not ready to commit (to a relationship). its just that you have yet to like (i am not using love because its too strong a word) someone enough to want to commit." and i guess thats true.

but sometimes, you can meet someone that you want to commit to but then its the other person who dont want to commit. then what now? *sigh* does that mean that the person dont like you enough?

not that i have found that someone.

one of my besties said she hate to see me like this. lack of motivation. lack of everything that makes me me. joshua said i used to be the kind of person who willl "..create/look for fun when theres none.."(his words, not mine) and its all true. i have low motivation. low spontaneity (dont mind the spelling, i just woke up). and i dont study or play as hard as i used to. and i lost my passion to write. i found the short stories i used to write (all with sad endings btw) and i wondered, what happened to me?

maybe its because i have grown older. that i feel that i should do more to help around the house. to help in the financial situation. but i feel so helpless because i am still studying and i cant find the time to work.

maybe its because i dont have that ring of friends to support me anymore. those people whom i can do spontaneous and downright crazy stuff with. those people that make me laugh and laugh. that keep those negative thoughts that i am very prone to have from going round and round in my head.

happy people needed!

and seriously, someone needs to take the risk of breaking all my bones and teach me how to rollerblade!

@ 5:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

while taking the bus home, i realised that i dont want my first year to end.

i really dont. i am happy with it. after 2 years of lousy academic years, i am finally having a good one. i dont want it to change. what if year 2 is lousy?

@ 2:48 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

as usual when the traffic in my brain gets too high, i cant find words to describe the thoughts. hmm..maybe thats why i dont score well in exams! lols.

shoulders. lets talk about them. you know how it is when you put your head on someone's shoulders and sometimes it feels right and sometimes it dont? for guys, it will be the opposite.

sometimes, the person whose shoulders felt so right will eventually become your boyfriend and etc. but sometimes, thats not true. what do you do then?

how about holding hands? sometimes, it just feels so good holding that person's hands. just that simple act removes all the stress and whatnot you are feeling. but theres not a chance in hell that you will be together . what do you do then?

how about hugs? one hug can make you feel safe beyond reason. that everything will be ok. that you can make it through whatever shit thats going on in your life. what do you do then?

and what do you do when you cant get the hugs, the shoulder, the hands when you are down in the dump? and you really need it. but you cant ask to meet the person because you guys wont have anything to talk about when you meet. all you want is for him to be there to give you the hugs, the shoulders, to walk around aimlessly while holding on to his hands, to put his arms around you and do that little "rubbing" thing you like?

and how do you explain all these when you only treat this guy as one of your very good friend. despite the short period you know them. what do you do then? because i would like to know the answers to all these.

@ 1:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

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@ 7:09 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i have been waiting for this for a very loooong time. the new theme for perlini. and its finally here! i was so excited when i walked past J8's outlet and saw the new pictures! lols. and the website is officially changed today!

this year's look is much more brighter than last year's. last year was silver's rock! and this time is what is love. i think the phrase is a little tacky. sriously, i think they can do much better. come out with better phrase thats in line with the situation now. but who am i to comment. heres some of the pictures(no male models this year. darn.):

many new stuff too! these two i like:)

Godess of Spring

"Y" is for You

Knowing their desgin, i think this two pieces that i like will be super ex! but i like the name they have for their new stuff. theres goddess of poetry and a piece of heaven. very springy~ lols. i shall wait for cheaper versions of these two. well, for the bracelets at least. cause i know the necklace is gonna sell. and the price is not going to drop T_T

ok, thats it from me. your resident perlini guide. lols. love them! going back during the hols :)

oh! and my desktop now! i even shifted my desktop icon for it(circled in red):

@ 3:43 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i will miss bizlaw tutorial. the funny expression on melvyn's face as we read out our answers. the way he starts the class by saying, "dear friends". hahas.

and i will miss my comms class. for the sampat-ing session with the other 2 sampats. for writing notes to scotchey about ah-lun and sampat king peering over as i write. lols:)

and i will miss my accounting class after the final lesson this friday. for the way our tutor always answer our stupid questions. for the way our tutor like to tease us. for his "lack of faith" in us. lols. and of course, who can forget the way ghim chuan and gang will start to ask a question by saying, "sir. i got a very stupid question." lols.

FM? i will miss kyk's educational life lessons and how he always mention his primary 4 daughters. IT? well, i will miss marc low's jokes. hahas.

i DO like this semester's subjects. just that i wish i had more time to study it like last semester. i DO like this semester's tutor class better than the last. not because the people last sem werent fun. but its just that theres a better mix of people this semester. i get to see everyone from my last sem class for different subject:)

yups. so this sem is coming to an end. JIAYOU!

@ 11:53 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

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@ 3:08 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ming jian say that all his friends are counting down to EXAMS. and he is the only one who is counting to the HOLIDAYS. well, apparently he havent met my friends. lols. and me-.-

so far i've got 3 things i want to after exams:
- Watch "Princess Hours" all over again.
- Read HP all over again (and get back HP4 from weilin)
- Go do something under the sun (hopefully) with the mktg girls.

i was in the library yesterday and flashback of last november came up. of mugging for my first examination in university. alot. sms-ing him. sms-ing scotchey. watching goong. watching inuyasha. and i dont know where it came back. but i kinda yearn for that period of time again.

maybe thats why i suddenly sms-ed scotchey. maybe thats why i started yearning to watch goong. started listening to "Stay" from goong. started to listen to songs i was listening to last november. all these i can get back. but theres something i cant.

trust is something i never have.

@ 2:00 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

went to school for 2 hours of accounting. got back midterm, report and quiz 3. hmms. i have no idea how much i got for midterm cause i asked degen to keep it from me. lols. i am guessing for the 50% i should have gotten at least a B? hopefully.

after that went to library and study and look at what i bought before i went home:

i was standing in front of the chocolate shelf at action city and thinking if i want to buy the dark ones or the white ones only. in the end, i just grabbed both. and then at mini-toons. i stood in front of the hairband section and deliberated if i should get pink, blue or orange. then i got pink. because its just so me. look at my wallet and pencil case! lols. oh yeah! i bought a pink pen too.

popular is getting pre-orders for HP7. sounds like quite a good deal. maybe i will pre-order this time? hmms.

and sampat king and sampat queen mother! i know how to PROPERLY open the chocolate ok? look!

hahahs.yups. i always binge near to the exams period. and this time, its the worst. because i really eat alot! you will never see me without food. and because of that my face has gotten rounder. *nightmare* but i cant stop. cause junk-fooding makes me concetrate and keeps me going. *sigh* 3more weeks!

and i think my mum is secretly happy that i am eating so much. evidence!

and theres cheese cake in the fridge! omg. she NEVER brings junk food for me to eat de. but now ah..lols. anyways, etoto confectionary makes the best pandan cake. yums.

to THM and beyond!!!!

@ 12:03 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i wont lie say it doesnt hurt. because it does.

the confrontation i wanted. the excuses/reasons i expected. the ending i didnt expect.

maybe its his fault. for knowing his flaws and not attempting to change. for always labelling himself as helpless.

maybe its mine. for not wanting to accept him for who he is. for believing that there's no such things as being helpless. not really.

it was never this bad. i was shocked i could cry when i wanted. i guess something inside me realised that this is it. the final blow has been dealt. and we can never go back.

somehow, i am glad for the fall on wednesday. at least the physical pain distracts me.

its never easy losing a friend. especially one that you got to know so quickly. and you lost just as quick.

so please pardon me, if i keep talking about him these few days. i need to get it out of my system. and this time, it will be last.

lai will know how serious it is. it is not just one of the normal fight.

@ 4:46 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

result of my lack of spatial awareness. result of my clumsiness-.-

the day after the fall. and 3 days after the fall. blue-black at the elbows and towards the left side of my bottom spine.

@ 3:14 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

*watching deyi graduation 2003 video*

Mum: "woah! handsome boy ah!"
*stares at mum and burst out laughing*

she was referring to kelvin! omg. theres more.

Mum: "you know him ah?"
Me: "Yeah. he's the one always calling me airpot !"
Mum: " his wife will be even more airport."

lols. i think he will faint if he hears that. wahaha.kelvin handsome? omg.

@ 1:17 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i realised how lucky i am to be a girl. and to have friends like SPP.

people who barged into my world and refused to leave. people who taught me that its okay to spill out whatever thats troubling you. its okay to act silly once in awhile. its okay to cry when you want to. its okay to be needy sometime. its okay to throw tantrums (BUT not TOO often).

i realised that. i realised that while talking to you.

@ 4:22 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i feel like knocking myself in the head. look at this question:

"What is the average inflation rate over the 5year period 2006-2010? (Use the arithmetic average)"

Simple RIGHT?!!! and gundu, go and flip through the whole of FM textbook and find out what the hell is the "arithmetic average".

ok people. hit me. hit me! *buries her head*

@ 2:37 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is what i did for the whole of today:

played and played until i finally completed the whole game. 5 different levels that means 50 stages. i feel accomplished. and i guess, i am ready to start mugging PROPERLY.

yesterday was some half-hearted attempt at accounting. today is another half-hearted attempt at FM(which i realise, i do know how to do! just that the terms all seem so foreign to me. i think revising might help).

tomorow should be accounting day. or is it psychology? no idea. i think i work better in the morning and at night. so i guess its wake up early, mug. nap at noon. wake up at night and mug. hope this works. if not, its back to fridge again. the cold cold library! AHHHHHH!!!!i dont want!!!

@ 1:42 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

*top part is removed due to some reasons*

and given that its april fools day yesterday, i got an inkling that they are pulling one huge joke! given that my friend likes to joke and declare that she broke up with him. and if thats really the truth, i swear i am going to run after them with my....my....teddy bear?! ok, my badminton racket.

and why is it always that people who wants relationship advice comes to me? do i dish out good advice? or do i repair the guys' ego? and the girls' slef-esteem (because i have never been in a relationship?)?

sheesh. sometimes, i do feel like shouting, "get away from me! i was never in a relationship! so why do you want advice from me?" oh yeah. and theres those horny, dirty old man that like to sit next to me on trains and open their hands big big trying to "touch" me. or covering their crotch and something while looking over. sick! sometimes, i just want to kick them in the nuts and stop their ability to reproduce. GAH!

such is my luck these few years. oh, wheres my knight in shining armour?!

but then again. maybe i dont want to be in a relationship. i was looking at couples everywhere. and seriously, i cant imagine myself doing what those people are doing. ok, the whole holding hands, hugging and having someone there to laugh, fight and cry with is good. but eh...reporting my whereabouts every single time? the missing and longings for that someone. letting someone have that much control over ur mood. thats scary! (on hindsight, thats not bad. since i am always in a lousy mood. maybe having someone to cheer me up would be good. lols.)

that aside. i saw a boyfriend carrying his girlfriend's bag for her. omg. i really cant stand those kind of girls. dont she have arms? its her bag! so why cant she carry it? if its heavy that take some books and give it to the boyfriend to carry! GRRRRRR~ i never let my guy friends carry my bags (unless i am going to washroom).
oh yeah. i guess another reason why i am not attached/dont want to get attached is because i cant do the whole "submissive" thingy. so in a relationship, i will inadvertly damage a guy's ego somewhere along the way. whatever. guys and their ego. sheesh.

alright. better get back to paying attention in class.

@ 10:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.