jade seah's hot in the PSC's rendition of "Hey, Mr Spender". better than Olinda (no surprise) and Michelle Chong (mini-surprise). but that doesnt mean that i like her. lols.

woffles wu dancing the disco. i am so scared that he will twist too hard and sprain his back -.- and seeing him brings back memory of PW where we went to interview and he got us to pose for our group pictures -.-" but he is the only plastic surgeon who agreed to an intrview (becuase he didnt know he can reject). lols.

more later. headaches.
@ 8:06 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

bestie called this evening and i ended up crying over the phone. she really called at the right time. i was at the brink of breaking down when she called. the moment she asked, "why do you sound so sad?" , i burst out crying. thanks, bestie(:


after which i called sivan and told her i am not going for dinner. i end up crying again. because she asked, "shan, are you okay?" gosh. i guess something never change huh? back in sec 4 when my mum had to go to the hospital for operation, i was crying almost everyday. and ling made a comment, "wait! leave her alone. dont ask her if shes okay or not. the more you comfort her, the more she cries!" and thats exactly how i am. yeah.


i miss deyi. i wouldnt have pulled through O'level without the deyi people. theres my committee, prem (i miss her even though i said i dont ever want to hear anything about here anymore), lai, mrs ong, my juniors (who knew that something was wrong even though i didnt tell them. and tried their best to cheer me up), juan, ling and all the 2/8 people. hahas. it's like once i start crying, i will have these people surrounding me, rubbing my shoulders and everything(: thanks people!


anyways, mabel and sivan decided to walk over to my house and meet me. so sweet~awwww..and they bought me something to cheer me up:

hees. thanks, girls(: i cant possibly eat them! they are so nice(:

san joined us shortly after. she squeezed my shoulders when she came in. her way of comforting me. hees(: i miss san so so much!!!

we celebrated children's day. heres my gift:

the notebook is from sivan. the strawberry shortcake highlighter from mabel and the mickey mouse clip from san(: we didnt see cynthia today. so we didnt get hers! and apparently, guojun (cyn's boyfriend) got us something too. so nice!!

we had macs and talked abit. i love them(:

thanks, gurlies(:

supervising the renovation took up half of my day. *sigh*

oh yeah. i realised daryl looks like robin not chucky-.- i should tell him that when i see him online or something.

@ 1:08 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

sometimes, i am glad i have bestie.

we dont like the same thing. if we initiate something, we follow through. we dont wait till the last minute. we get all our information and times correct and organise to meet.

i dont even know what to say. but i'm glad to have bestie even though we are more like part-time besties.
@ 1:27 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i think by the end of the renovation, my arms will either be a) more muscular or b) devoid of any feelings. hahas. i have been carrying dressing table, desktop, sofa, cupboards and drawers down 3 flights of stairs. my arms aches now*sigh*

and i am going for the recruitment talk for *ahem* my future company (hopefully). and i think scotchey just decided to pei me go because she knows how much i like that company. so THANKS, SCOTCHEY!!

i realised why i am always sleeping late. yes, i am slow in my work. thats one of my reason. the other? i want a life (which consist of watching shows on my lappy. lols) but at the same time, i dont want to compromise my work. i want to give my 100% in my work, project, tutorials and everything else. so yeah.

i dont even know how to phrase that. but now, i got the answer.
@ 12:15 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

@ 12:16 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i was filling in the application form to volunteer at the CCF and i realised, they need reference. this is one society that takes their volunteers very seriously. they dont want their volunteers to leave halfway and then having their charge feeling disoriented. the kids are having enough difficulty fighting the illness. so yeah.

i still cant decide. KK Hospital? CCF(but i need reference people!)? or stick to HELP!FSC? i feel like volunteering for a cause. but for most of the foundation here, they are looking for donors not volunteers. so BAH!

i have an above average risk of getting breast cancer. not exactly surprising since i have a family history of it. but do you know that if your menses comes before you are 15, your chance of getting breast cancer is HIGHER? *faints* the advice given was that i go for checkup every year starting from the year i turned 20. thats like NOW! *sigh* but i'm lazy. eeeeks. october is breast cancer awareness month, so mamogram is offered at a discounted rate o.O heard it on 91.3fm

renovation starts tomorrow. excited but dreading it too. all the dust. and i know i have always complain that my sister is invading my space but i am going to miss talking to her (and therefore neglecting my work) until she falls asleep. hahas. its going to be weird sleeping alone:(

another day has passed. and i am still stuck on accounting tutorial. it took me 3 hours in the library to do 2 questions. 3 more to go. i am going to wake up early tomorrow to do them. hopefully i can finish in time for the meeting in the afternoon where we will go through the answers for next week. i dont mind doing the soft copy, but i need their answers. if not, they are getting the participation points while i do the work. my tutor sucks. she dont even recognise me. i gave a presentation the week before (she even commented that i was "cute" *hands over gag bucket*) and she asked for my name. then! the next week, she asked scotchey if i was there last week. URGH. that means my participation point is ZERO? *mumbles grumbles*

you know how easy it is to make me guilty. and this person is playing on it. i am so not going to download skype and yell at the mic to talk to you just because you are feeling demoralised. and we all know what that means, dont we? demoralise? talk? crap. you just want to talk about those stuff. and saying you feel demoralised is just an excuse to guilt me into downloading skype. buzz off.

sometimes, we get so pre-occupied by one thing in our life that we unconciously/unintentionally neglect other stuff or even belittle things that other people are busy with. we dont mean it. but it just happened. i know i am like that sometimes. for example, i thought my studies is more important than my sister's job. i pushed all the planning and budgeting for the renovation to her and yelling at her when things arent right. it was until she yelled at me before i realised what i was doing. many other examples like getting so caught up by the upswing of my life that i just avoid touching on emo topic who might be having a bad day. yups. i guess we cant be perfect all the time huh?

bestie got another sucky tutee. she was ranting so much from the moment she pops online. poor thing. i wanted to talk to her about some stuff too but i know she needs her own space (because we all do after something sucky happened and we finished ranting about it) so i told her to, "shoo. shoo." and i will talk to her tomorrow.

i love kiera knightley(:even though she is kinda skinny these days. but i still like her. sorry for the tiny pic. i got it from facebook. hahas.

from "The Married Man":

Comment: A leopard can change it spots!

Reaction: NO WAY!

Answer: CAN! when it gets tired of sitting in one spot, it moves to another spot lahs!

i was laughing in the library lahs. they are funny(:

okay. off to bed before the knocking happens in the morning.

@ 3:11 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my sister is stupid, can? we bought a new tv. 42" one at $1999, so the monthly instalment is $104 per month for 2 years. she stupidly, go and tell my mum that if we have gotten the 32" one, we will only need to pay $88 per month. and that if for the 42" tv, we will be paying interest of about $400. blah blah blah. STUPID!

both of us are paying what. so tell my mum for what? now my mum is yelling. tian ah.

i love the married man of 91.3fm(: funny!
@ 7:33 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i think i look tired. i was on my way out to meet the devil sisters when my mum said, "so tired le. still going out?" oh wells.

went to IKEA with my sister to look for lights and my table. we didnt find any lights. but i found a room design that will fit a queen-sized bed and a table into my room all under $500. hahas.

the both of us practically sprinted to courts next door to look for a new tv (my sister's idea. our own tv may be big but its still good!). so we were gaping at the expensive prices UNTIL we saw this 24" (i think) LCD tv that cost $1999. kinda disappointed UNTIL we saw this 42" Samsung LCD tv that cost $2099. omg. thats how much $100 can be? but in the end, we feel that it was way out of our budget and left.

so on the cab back, we saw this street filled with people selling lights! so we stopped the cab and got out. we have no idea where we are! but the point is, we got some pretty decent lightings at a pretty cheap price(: it's at jalan besah (we asked the owner of the shop). not bad! and he gave us discounts and free bulbs. so if you want to buy lights, ask me! i'll bring you there(:

then it's rush back home to decide on the door. yes, i got a toilet door. but hopefully, it wont be that toilet-y.

read my accounting week 7 notes before rushing out to meet the devil sisters. by the time cyn arrived, i was pretty brain-dead. *sigh* i just finished reading the textbook. waking up early tomorrow to do the tutorial. and hopefully, by the end of tomorrow i will be able to squeeze in at least one chapter of psychology :S

packing day tomorrow. then renovation day on friday. wiring day on saturday.

how am i suppose to squeeze in mugging? HELP!
@ 3:22 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my new room is going to be pretty small. i just used the IKEA software to furnish my room.

think i should just stick to a single size bed. pfft.

woman! just be happy that you are getting your own room. enough of your grumbling already. appreciate things before its taken away from you! GAMBATAE(:

warai warawa warant warato warahis warapl waraace. warafor warahis warabed! warait warais waraki warang warasi waraze!!
@ 3:28 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i got the sample. the door is a FREAKING TOILET DOOR.

i dont believe it.

so for now, i am going without a door. i am going to look for my own door. even if its a TOILET DOOR, i will look for prettier ones. more japanses. not those sengkang hdb toilet door. those 10cents toilet door.

i will not compromise the comfort of my room. nor the design.

and my family (other than my brother) have no idea what privacy means.
@ 3:57 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

accounting project meeting was good(: we actually got shushed-.- talked too loudly and laughed too loudly? oh wells. but i am still a little worried for it. haiyo!

hahas. my room renovation is not going very good. out of nowhere, the cost increased by 200 moolahs. i was asking my sister and she burst. she slammed the door, went out to the living room and cried to my mum. i was just too lazy to go out. cause i know, i lost.

but seriously, how can 200moolahs popped out of nowhere?!

and the designer is unprofessional. before you ask your customer to pay 50% of the deposit, you should a)let them look at the FINAL floor plan and b) give them the quotation right? WRONG! we have zero floor plan and the quotation that my sister got was after my naggings. and guess what?!! they are coming tmr to collect the money! WTF! *ahem* excuse me. but REALLY LAH! i very nicely told my sister that, and she came up with some fake story. URGH. she looked so sheepish while saying it. so do you think i will believe her? i know shes lying.

my sister actually agreed to a door that she havent SEEN. asked her if she will be shown the picture, she said no. so shes using her IMAGINATION lahs. if they give her a toilet door, i will laugh my ass out.

whatever.

something is missing. and i think i know what it is. i guess, it has turned into something that i vent my frustration at when i am pissed. this is not good.

who knows what i'm saying. waramr waras waram warau.
@ 2:21 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

not very nice ah. but hahas. my colour combination now is BLAH. so yeah.

more to come! and i'll send you guys the originals soon(:

@ 1:00 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my date with marketing girls got cancelled cause kl is not feeling well.

even though this is no fault of anyone, i am not going to organise the next outing for us. because i am always the one doing it? it's time for someone else to take over. at least for once.

we didnt call the last marketing girl this time because she deleted my number so i cant sms her what. i wanted to call her but in the end, decided against it because it's pretty damn obvious that she dont want to be part of us anymore right? okok, maybe just that she dont like me. so, dont go feeling all left out.

why is it that in a group (dont care which one), i am always the one who ends up organising gatherings?

is it because i care more than the others? that they are more impt to me than i am to them?
@ 12:56 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am not angry. just frustrated.

the whole last saturday of the month thing. i really dont think it will work.

and again, i am the one chasing people to organise the gathering. i practically organise the whole thing again.

why arent i surprise?

oh yeah. because this is history repeating itself.

we shall see. guys, dont promise me anything.
@ 3:49 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i hereby conclude that braces (especially rubber bands) makes my face swollen/look fat.

ever since i got braces, my face got fatter.

then i got rubber bands. and i have biting my teeth every night. i will wake up with an achy mouth.

so if chewing cause your cheeks to grow muscles. then...biting your teeth every night is worse.

1 more year. 1 more year!
@ 2:24 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i am a little pissed.

i think we agreed that for our accounting project, we will send our write-up to the person who is supposed to be checking by this morning.

and i am supposed to be checking the part for the guy.

but it's 9.30 PM already and it's still not in my inbox.
@ 9:28 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

reminds me of chloe:(

lets hope tmr will be just as good(:
@ 5:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

everyone is familiar with my "story". especially my marketing girls who were there with me when i went through the whole oh-so-shitty thing. they know the story inside out. and saw how i reacted.

i was besotted infatuated with him. litte things he did made me smile. it was the kind of there-but-not-quite-there relationship (if you can call it one). but he was cold, distant and was kind to me once in a blue moon or when he please. to quote Stacie Orrico in Stuck, "I tried to give you everything but you just gave me lies."

then he stopped everything. disappeared from the face on earth, so to speak. and summer came. it was hard at first. but with FOC, work, special term and something else, i moved on. i realised how stupid i was to let someone have such a high level of control over my emotions. to always be dependent on him to cheer me up when i am stressed/pms-ing. i utterly MOVED ON.

suddenly, he "returned back to earth". but this time, the roles changed. he is being nice to me. too nice. just a passing remark and he is offering to do whatever i have said for me. to sound really cliche, he is treating me right. he even told me he like like me. i think he expects me to return the feeling. to be all nice to him again. i told him that i dont feel the way. but he is still doing everything else.

it disgust me because i think he is just wanting something that he cannot have. i have a feeling that once i start returning the feelings, he will treat me like shit. because that was how it all started. him giving the wrong signals, asking me to be his girlfriend and everything. moreoever, he knows about what happened during summer. maybe he just thinks that i am easy that if he treats me right, i will "be easy" with him.

if you are new to this, you probably wont understand the depth of frustration and the reason. and i dont know how to explain this to you. but yeah.

人都是溅的. it's all about the chase.

i have learnt my lesson. never again will i be so dependent on someone to cheer me up. i will never put my heart out there. i dont want to let someone have control over my emotions. one thing they say can kill or make my day. no. that wont happen again. thanks for removing my skeptism and then crushed it.

even reading my entries during that period makes my skin crawl. i feel like slapping myself. feel like going back in time and shake myself. because theres only one word to describe the person writing those entries. weak.

never again. back into my shell i go. i wont be weak. i CANT be weak.

somehow, i feel this "ideaology" also got passed on to my attitudes for friendships, even SPP.

scotchey said if shes still single, she will never get attached in university. i think i wont too. but for a totally different reason.

i just dont want to get hurt. by anyone.
@ 1:22 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

本小姐心情不好。

my sister came home then she showed me the "partition". it's a FREAKING wall lah. just that it's not make of bricks. but it's just as thick can? if you want to cut a room using those "partition" , i will end up living in an ant hole. and i am the giving you the BIG room, so shldnt you go the extra mile at least make the effort to find out from the designer what kind of "partition" they are using and not LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH to me? i can tell it when you are lying. dont forget, i am the observer in this family.

so i was telling her nicely that the partition is kind of thick and are there any other kind? then she got pissed off. which is fine. but you know what she did? she shut up, sit at her bed and mumbled. WAH LAU EH! if you not happy with me, you SAY IT TO MY FACE. not sit at the bed and mumble (which i can hear by the way), hoping that i will hear it by chance.

now shes like banging the doors, cupboards and drawers. i am so tempted to turn over and scream, "你不爽,是吗? 不爽就说啦！不要在那里叽叽咕咕。" but i wont because it's her birthday today. so i wont be the one to ruin it. but if she bangs the drawers too hard and my perfume/toner smashed onto the floor, i swear i am going to yell at her until the police come.

and this applies to everyone. if you are not happy with me, tell me. dont do small things like change your blog add or something. either that or, you totally block me, delete me, and then change your blog add.

thank you very much.

i better pack this mood up.

my accounting is screwed and i am faced with the consequence. what we have discussed is like 蜻蜓点水. urgh. i better go concentrate.

thanks, abner. for listening to me rant.

i wash my hands off my og. period.
@ 1:52 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ano...i forgot what i want to say again-.-


scotchey got influenced by me. hahas. my favorite phrase this week is "屁股痒！" when i got back my BF212 quiz, i told her (over the phone), "我屁股痒啦！never finish calculating the figures then anyhow cough up a conclusion thats wrong. so i got a stupid C!" and this woman, got influenced by me. ooopps.


and! this woman ah..today keep drawing on my psycho notes. she draw until very shuan. i think i have a tortoise, a pig and a smiley face-.- she said it's payback time-.- BLEHS~ watch on when school reopens! *practise drawings*

was talking to abner on msn just now. he said he sat in front of me in FAL last week. then he said i am very noisy-.- opps. BUT when you put scotchey and me together, we ARE noisy! hahas. and pretty sampat.

ANTM 9. watching while having investment meeting. not too bad this season? but! you wont know until their makeover. so we'll see. hahas.

fall season is starting!!
@ 11:54 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

everybody, together now.."HOOOOOOOTTT!!!" guys, please stop drooling *hands over tissues* hahas. got this from kevin's friends. shes hot. REALLY HOT. no worries, i am still straight okay?! how i wish i have THAT kind of body! i shall not expose you guys to horrifying pictures of my tummy. hahahs. *envy*

and her pictures are pretty(: shot in different locations. but probably not by herself? should be by the photographer thats offering to give me a photoshoot?o.O oh wells. photographer or not. its definitely better than the self-shot timer on your timer. trust me. i am the 自恋王！

what else did i want to talk about ah? cant remember le. more later. maybe.

@ 6:44 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i tell you, the acne cream i bought from The Face Shop stinks.

because of the seaweed. it smells like fish. everytime i put it on, i feel like puking. the flower smell is not strong enough.

hopefully, it works though. if not, i am really going to puke.
@ 1:49 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this morning...

mum: you are going JOGGING?!

me: yes.

mum: *a look of disbelief*

just now...

me(to brother): i went jogging this morning!

brother:(emotionless) you will be heavier.

me: WHAT?!

brother: muscle mass. muscle mass.

-.-

msn nick-->shans - jogged(:

eddy: o.O u went jogging? where?

me: the park near chong boon.

eddy: oh. you dont look like someone who will going jogging de. LOL. then you jogged for how long? 10 minutes?

me: 15minutes.

eddy: WAH! 5 minutes more than i expected.

(and then i told him that i am walking home instead of taking 261)

him: i bet you are not going to keep it going.

BAH!
@ 11:34 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

slept at 3.30am and woke up at 8.30 to go jogging with my sister. not too bad. i STILL dont know how big is one round in the park! grrr. oh wells.

term break is almost here and i feel like slacking already-.- CANNOT! i still have 3 chapters of pyscho to read by tomorrow. sigh.

HEROES AND PRISON BREAK STARTING IN 5 DAYS! OMGOMGOMG!

i have a habit when i come online. check friendster-->myspace-->my blog --> friends' blog --> H2H blog --> endor blog -->edventure --> webmail. hahahs. tian ah.

okok. random. going to take a small nap before studying for psycho.
@ 11:33 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

oh yeah.

i saw ah-lun twice today. hahas. he seems to have bloated? hahas. stripes shirt is so not him.

no eye-candy this semester. and i guess, it's about time i grew out of this phase? o.O

anyways, i know i shouldnt say this but if the person dare to say it, he/she should be prepared to face the consequence.

this person said, " those accountants that make alot of money, are usually unethical. do you know what happens to those ethical accountant? they end up as lecturers and professors."

wah lau eh. i feel like kicking this person twice over.
@ 1:38 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

some non-serious stuff first before i expressing my thoughts(:

hees. it's nursery rhymes day today(: and i was pretty emo on my way home but i started found this nursery rhymes website and i started singing. quite nice(: and the song i was looking for was "This Old Man"!!

anyhow, i was telling scotchey and sampat king just now how "Baa Baa Black Sheep" teaches the wrong stuff to little kids. let's examine the lyrics:












@ 7:03 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

my AB228A teacher remembers me(: not the guy ah. but the ex-SIA, makeup and external lady(: i was talking on the phone with scotchey when she walked past. she caught my attention and said hello (: happy happy girl! shes one person i rather look up to? maybe not look up. but i want to be just like her((((((((:

gosh. i am such a kid. one thing can make me so happy. hees.

and i think i might have come up with a topic for the psycho thingy. but it's more family based than youth based? i will ask scotchey tmr(: hahas. she has become my semi-consultant. teaching me how to come up with a proper proposal. hees(:

right. anyways, i saw one of my juniors on the train just now. well, does anyone remembers martina? niece of miss ng? my guide?(: oh wait. shes from orchid. i got transferred to sunflower. hahas.

ANYHOW! the point is, she changed quite alot. heavy make-up and all. but she sounds just the same. she was szchmooching with the boyfriend so i didnt disturb her. she saw me too but her boyfriend was sitting in between us so we kinda didnt talk. oh wells.

okok. randomness strikes.

being the sampat that we are, i am actually going to go to school 3 hours earlier to queue for the LKY thingy with scotchey tmr. shes going to sneak out of her class while i am going to go to school early. nownow, dont think that we are educational and patrioitc people. part of the reason we want to go is because we want to see LKY. hahahs. hopefully, we can get the tickets. wish us luck!

okok. i better start cracking on my accounting.
@ 6:43 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

oh gosh. i'm so dumb.

during the period when HP7 came out, daryl put his nick as , "the truth is Sylar killed Harry." and being the idiot that i am, i asked him, "Harry DIED?!!!"

AHHH! Sylar is from Heroes! and Harry is from HP7!

i am so going to kill him when i see him online. URGH.
@ 12:48 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

everything is my fault. my brother playing game till 4am in the morning. my brother sleeping late into the afternoon. everything.

she said he is just following me. well, if thats the case, i study, so why isnt he studying? i am obedient. sometimes too much. so why arent he following me?

i asked her, "so who am learning all the habit of sleeping late and etc from? since according to you, i have to learn from someone." her reply? "you just started it yourself."

fine. why not blame our family's financial troubles on me too? why not blame your sickness on me too? oh wait. you are already doing that.

does she knows how much i worry about my studies? does she know how much i worry about my own health? does she knows that i have stomachaches oh-so-often? that everytime i burn the midnight oil, i am stressed that she will come in and scold me and stress that i cant do my homework? does she knows that i am feeling inadequate? that i feel fat? that i am "controlling" my diet? that despite everyone telling me that i am skinny, everytime i look into the mirror, all i see around my waist and tummy is fats? does she know that i feel ugly? does she listen when i tell her all these? no.

i tried to be understanding. that hey, maybe she got her demons to fight too. but no. she listens to my sister and brother. she actually sits down and listen to them. she can even come to me with their problems and ask me to help them.

i am through with my family. i dont get any comfort from them. i am through.

but dont i always say that?

i am weak. everytime she says hurtful things to me, i just let it by. i cry, she ignores it. when she comes home later, she treats it like nothing happen. the cycle will then repeat.

but like scotchey said, "what other choices do you have?" i cant scream at her. i cant be rude to her. i cant. because i am not my brother who can be rude to her and wont get hit. because i am not my sister who always get what she wants. because i am me. the undemanding middle child.

i should have taken up his offer. changed and take a cab to his house at 1am last night. at least, i would have some physical comfort. the next time he offers, i dont care what the house "rule" is, i am going to go. i am. i am not going to be the stupid kid who make my parent feel that their house rule actually works. because my sister and brother dont abide by that rule. so why should i?
@ 4:07 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

someone, who can love unconditionally, is one insecure person.

how true.
@ 5:03 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

calculus.

can be deadly. but they are so much better than matrices(:

HOWEVER! one mistake CAN be deadly. *thunders*
@ 4:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i dont know. but i woke up with this thought.

when a relationship ends, all the sweet memories will turn into nasty ones.

so when a person has been (or almost has been) in a few relationships, he/she will be filled with lots of bitter ones.

oh wells. i think my take on relationship/friendship (or any kind of -ship now) is pretty twisted. *sigh*
@ 11:24 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

havent been talking to zongfu for eons. but today, i just buay tahan. click on his name and complained to him about something (scotchey should know). no idea why of all the people who is online, i chose to complain to him. maybe because he knows how much i dont like that person and he wont be in put in an awkward position as compared to ojiisan if i complain to him. yeah. if abner is online, i think i would have complained to him too. but he is too involved with the story of, "hairy abner and the deathly tutorials". *flock of crows fly pass*

i must remember what zongfu said. "..you cant change what people say, can you?" *breathes* anyways, HAPPY YOUTH DAY!!

it's just funny how sometimes, i feel "closer" (closer being too strong a word EVEN with the inverted commas) to my sister og then Heart2Heart. at least when i see kelly, we say hello ? o.O but! Hear2Heart still rock! now, if only i have the camp pictures then i can try whipping something up with fireworks. hmm..

disclaimer..Heart2Heart rocks. but SPARKS rock more! and FITTI! PSL and DSC is the best of all(: PSL and DSC is now called Student Leader. URGH. even though i was a PSL and a DSC, i cant stand the thought of them being forced to join. i mean, we are both TOTALLY different in the way we work. well, look on the bright side. maybe this union has ended the whole, "PSLs are better than concillors" thingy o.O

i miss camp (have i mentioned that?!). the bomb game. the fever cheer. the ET cheer. the DO-AH-DEE-DEE-DUM cheer. the we-will-rock-you cheer. the north-south-east-west cheer. the brrr-it's-cold-in-here cheer. the give-me-a-*insert alaphabet* cheer. and many more thats long buried. the campfire songs! husband-and-wife game! wacko! fruit basket! sitting there (during sec 3) and asking the juniors to name all 9 committee members from our batch, the batch before and the batch before before. all the camp preparation. digging out old camp photos from coun room and showing it to the juniors so they know who's who. running around like mad people during treasure hunt. writing missisipi with our butt. naming the mrt stations. rolling in mud and flour. playing man-power-base. misses :(

oh wells. AA102 project meeting was good today(: some malu things happened like how i mistook ntu girls for smu girls-.- the guy quite funny too. keep telling us stuff that sounds so weird. i have no idea if we should believe him or not. but STILL. the meeting was full of laughter(:

after that scotchey and i went to get birthday present for my sister. i got her a 2008 organiser. got one for myself too(:

stripes for my sister and hearts for me (uber girly again!). it's $24.50 each *faints* but hey, i got a new diary! time for elmo to rest at the end of the year. OHOH!! they have REALLY cute elmo organisers this year. i think they have one of elmo and zoe *melts* i didnt get them though. cause it's too "kiddish" *cries* elmo and zoe~

oh yeah. got a new house for my baobei (lappy) too! nothing fancy just a smaller version of my current one(:

all my baobeis are one year old!! *claps* i think i should either a)start calling them by their normal name (ie lappy, ipod and hp) or b) start naming them instead of labelling them all baobeis. ahahas. *thinks* ok, hp shall be called twinkie because it resembles my old pink ipod mini. ipod will still be called baobei. and lappy will still be called lappy or dao baobei or fujitsu(: hahas.

random!! homework weekend starts tomorrow! GO GO JIAYOU!

@ 2:56 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

"..he went to the dragon and askedthe dragon to teach him the secrets of the sword. the dragon taught him to be a kenzei, a sword saint. he fought his enemies and won. saving his people. then the dragon came to his palace and demanding the princess. kenzei drew his sword and plunged it into his own heart. he handed it to the dragon and said, "here is my love." and then he died.."

"Heroes Episode 22 : Landslide" by Hiro Nakamura

i have one more episode to go(:
@ 1:29 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

You know the words "Once Upon A Time"
Make you listen? There's a reason.

When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter or a happy ever after.

"You are the Music in Me" by High School Musical 2 Cast

@ 3:39 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

me. trying to take a picture un-suspiciously.

yeah-ness! hahahs. my only night off and i end up playing with fireworks to edit pictures. hahas. tian ah. eh! why is it that when i convert from png format to jpeg, the image quality gets compromised!!!? *mumbles*


@ 12:07 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

trading can be addictive. i cannot even begin to tell you the number of times scotchey and i logged in to the POEMS website today using my lappy -.- but! my order list is very long:( i cant sell my stocks or even buy anyone. hahas. anyways, both of us decided to be adventurous (cant spell) next week. we are going to sell most of our stocks and dump all our money on one stock. kinda like warren buffet (is that how you spell the name?! o.O)

oh yeah! i did something really stupid today. seriously, if my day was video-taped, it will be a comedy. albeit a bimbotic one. hahas.

i had to present our AA102 tutorial 4 question 1. so i stood there, greeted the class and then..i started laughing and reading STRAIGHT from the slides-.- hahahs. and i was swaying and tapping (bad habit!) hahas. i was smiling. then i looked at scotcehy. then i started laughing. my tutor and most of my tutorial mates said i am very cute-.- hahas. i KNOW they know how to read! but i forgot why we chose the variables as direct cost/labour etc. so i just read straigght from the slides and hope that they will ask me when they have questions. hahahs. so yeah(:

and then there was this question that raised some conflict. so EVERYONE was debating with the tutor. if you divert your attention away from the happening scene and look into the left hand corner of the class, you can see 5 very quiet people sitting there. i am proud to say, we are all group mates! hahas. the 5 of us are just there listening and smiling. hahas. actually, so far, the guy in my accounting group still quite ok lahs. we shall see tmr! first group meeting! whee~

anyhow, the most klutzy and stupid thing happened in psycho class. i was charging my laptop while i was having lunch with scotchey. when my professor came in, i went to unplug it. normal right? NO! as luck would have it, when i tried to unplug my charger, the whole wall socket decide to come along as well! *cries* and then i just started laughing while trying to put the wall socket back. wrong move! that action actually caused the whole LT to short circuit-.- i actually saw sparks. hahas. so lecture was delayed but thank goodness the technicia was able to fixed it *phew* i was there chanting to scotchey, "how how? is it my fault?" lols. tian ah.

then when i was eating my fries, my fries dropped on the floor-.- and then when i want to eat my mentos sweet, it dropped on the floor and rolled. tian ah.

whats wrong with me these days? hahas.

anyhows, i queued in the wrong queue TWICE this week!! i was telling scotchey that i am going to grab onto the person in front of me in the queue next time and asked them very seriously, "is this the 179 queue?" i dont know what shes laughing at. maybe my expression very funny? but she wanted to laugh but cannot cause our lecture group quite small so it will be very obvious. hahas. she just keep laughing ! hahas. maybe i will try and re-enact the expression when i reach home. hahas.

and then after the stock market closed, we decided to go to the comms sch bus stop to take 179 (shes going to JP so she didnt take 199). i have only been there once so i dont really know the "route". so we arrived at B3. we were like aunties like that? debating whether we should go the stairs or not until we saw mad-.- hahas. then she told us where to go if not i tell you, the both of us will be there debating till the cows come home.

i love thursdays(: i swear i talk so much today with scotchey that i am having a sore throat now. we even talked whe we are in a crowded 179 with a person standing in betwee us. hahas. poor girl, have to tahan all our rattling-.-

and i am feeling slightly better than yesterday? but then again, since today was a good one. maybe tomorrow will be a sucky one. dont know. but thats my "belief". you can never have too many good days. when you have a good day/week/month, 80%of the time, it will be followed by a lousy day/week/month. oh wells.

anyways, the woman is on a eating spree today. so scary! hahas. i am usually the one eating ah. but today she keep buying food! she even wat to buy ji chong fun 2 hours before lunch! i was looking at her shocked. shes actually eating more than me!! and PERSUADING me to eat! usually it's the other way round! hahas. *breathes* that woman very mean lah. we were at JP then she keep persuading me to buy things to eat. hahas. but i resisted! whee~ :P

i really cannot imagine having class without her. who will bully me then? hahas. and someday, i will succeed in pushing her while shes sitting down. *flex arms* erm nothing there *hides arm*

okies dokes. i have blog all the way from jurong east to ang mo kio le. better get ready to get off(:
@ 9:12 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ohoh!! edison got into GIP!!!! he is going to china! hahas. i would prefer beijing to shanghai but the uncle wants to go to shanghai-.- hahas. congrats! bring back souveniers! hahas(:

and weilong got into mj(: nice~

sivan, get well soon!!!!!

bestie, i want to go out with you!! (but you dont read my blog-.-)

SPP, i need some sun~!

i still have not touch my jam sandwich cream. hees.

okok, concentrate, woman. CON-CEN-TRATE!
@ 12:15 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i still have psycho -.- it's like never-ending!! do you know that there are MANY types of survey?! and that none of them have internal validity?!

now you know!

been crying too strong a word? not crying. tearing should be more like it. apparently, my mum went down and complained to my dad. so now, my dad is mad at me too. what did i do wrong?

and i feel guilty for crying this afternoon.

URGH. whats wrong with me?

i am not happy. havent been for a few months.

i will be. i will try and get me back. maybe. perhaps.
@ 11:36 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

i worked till 6am in the morning. trying to get my accounts to balance. with the knowledge that i still have one chapter of pyschology to read and the tutorial to do before thursday arrive. and with the pressure that my mum is going to wake up anytime to yell at me to go to bed.

i had a fitful night. waking up every few hours thinking about my workload, thinking about my unbalance account. then when i finally fall into proper sleep, it was 9am. i woke up at 3pm. had a tiny cup of milk and dived right back in to do my homework. lunch can wait.

then my mum came home. i think my brother was rude to her. she was mad, but she didnt yell at him. she was mad at my dad too (most probably about the shop stuff). she was mad with my uncle who just keeps taking money from the shop, dont do any work and drive the customers away with his quirky behavior.

so she barged into my room and yelled at me. she scolded me. she said i was 20+ already (she cant remember my age) and still acting like a kid. waiting for her to serve me lunch. she said i keep pushing her limit. that someday she will crumble/break if i keep pushing her. that i keep using studying as an excuse. that i am the worst kid in the universe. and she just keeps yelling and yelling.

after awhile, she realised what she done. she tried to speak nicely to me when i went to get my lunch. helped me cut up the eggs and vegetables. but the damage was done.

i was trying so hard not to cry. but i cant.

i am not the one at fault here. what did i do wrong? why are you yelling at me? you are mad at my brother, yell at him! yell at those people who are making you mad. not me. stop yelling at me. thats all you have been doing these days.

i am sick. i am under pressure. i am useless because i cant even get into any activities in school. i have to put in extra hours to get the same amount of work done. i cant control these things. i cant. i am feeling helpless. stop putting the blame on me. i am sick because it's my fault. i am under pressure because it's my fault. i am sleeping late because it's my fault.

i am not your punching bag. i hate my life.

and now that i am crying, i am afraid that my mum feels bad about making me cry.

i told myself never to have those thoughts again after what happened to my friend. but now, they are back. they are back and it's scaring me. how long more till i break? i wont go that way. i dont have the courage. useless.
@ 4:04 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

what i 've notice is that people who have been to NBS FOC only ever mix with people from their own OG unless of course you are a GL/programmer/OGL. But even then, they STILL tend to stick to people from their own OG.

example? well, there'sat least people from 3 different OG in my BF212 class. my Og (thats me), my sister OG (my eyecandy and winston) and the OG i was suppose to be in, Horus (thats yuen bo). ok, i dont expect them to talk to me since i am a senior attachee and didnt really mingle much. i was absent for half of FOC (stomache. dont ask.). BUT! eyecandy was sitting next to yuen bo and winston! they pretend like they dont know each other. i mean, wth!

sigh.what happened to camps? i remembered that after PSL and council camp, everyone knows everyone! even the seniors of the other groups! oh wells. maybe because foc is a much population o.O but then again, what about sister og! you should at least talk to people from your sister og? dont really see that happening. *shrugs*

anyways, i have lost touch with people form my own og. well, kinda. i have zero contacts with the juniors since no one sent me the contact list. and for people from my own year? well, i have some of their email but i dont really talk to them. so basically, they have turned into my online friends? yeah. something like banana ass. *shrugs*

my lappy is seriously lagging today. shouldnt have used it to shelter me from the rain just ow. seriously, i dont know what the hell i am thinking these days. BAH! baobei, please be okay!

my xiao baobei is dying too. something wrong with the hold button. if she dies, should i get a psp? can a psp play mp3? o.O hahas. i talk like i have a lot of moey. woman, work for the money then say ok?

anyhow, i got my bursary this year. my income statement is worst this year. since my parents' burden increased. but the amount they gave me is more or less the same? i guess it's based on GPA again. but it's not fair! are you saying that stupid people dont deserve to get the money. if thats the case, how are we suppose to get smarter?!!! then again, i am not saying that money makes people smarter lahs.

such is the unfair-ess of the world. i guess. oh pessismistic me be gone.

ok, i am reaching amk le. more later(:
@ 7:32 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

dont you sometimes wish that the world will stop?

or that somehow, you can turn yourself off to the world?

i do. like now.
@ 10:33 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

met up with my BF215 group for tutorial discussion on friday. i was late (because i was not feeling well) and degen waited for me at bishan mrt station for 45 minutes. thanks, bro. the meeting was relatively short and funny because we end up having to recalculate almost everything for some reason that you wont want to know. yups. went to marks and spencer and my jam sandwich cream are still out of stock:( got a pack of california raisins in chocolate and left.

headed home after that(:

then TODAY (saturday), i met up with the girls for our MINDS cafe date. it was fun!! they chased away my mood swings. even if it's just for awhile. 2 hours is TOO SHORT! i want more!!!

we forgot to take picture in the cafe so we had to make do:

nice(:

on the way home, sivan and i sang lots of camp songs!! i love her!! because shes the only one who wont run away when i start singing!! even when i was singing in the mrt -.- hehes. huishan bomb huishan bomb, huishan bomb to sivan bomb ;p

anyways, i am so man zhan these days. scatterbrain. something like that. i used to know where i put my stuff. what i have to do. i am always in top form. but these days, i am the total opposite.

i lost things. i forget things that i am supposed to do, that i want to say right after they popped into my mind.

when i came home, i couldnt find my ezlink card. i was flipping everything over. closed to tears. hysterical. i think i might have scared my mum. but i was really angry with myself.

angry with myself for not being in top form. i know people are not perfect all the time. but i am not like that! i cannot tolerate myself being such a scatterbrain. such a klutz. such a weakling. do you know what i mean? it's not okay for me to be like this. it's not.

@ 2:32 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

there i was feeling gloomy while on the train home after finishing my BF215 meeting. no life!!

then i remembered that i am meeting the whole gang tomorrow!! omg. my heart literally skipped a beat and i was so happy and excited! because when was the last time we had a FULL ATTENDANCE spp gathering? back in March!! so i was hoping and praying.

midnight rolled by. 1am rolled by. nothing! i was happy happy happy. then my hp rang. an sms. before i even look at it, i know who it is from. i know what the excuse is going to be. i know. because this is not the first time it has happened.

i told scotchey 2 to 3 weeks ago that i lost a bestie. i didnt really feel sad. i just kinda accepted it. because at that point of time, i still hope that shes still the same person that i knew.

but today. receiving that sms. i realised, i am done with trying to be her supportive bestie. through with it. done with trying to make excuses for you. done with trying not to accuse you. and this time, i feel the pain. the stab in the heart. i feel so disappointed. so letdown. i dont even know how to describe it.

if you can make time on a WEEKDAY, for those network marketing talks, then why cant you make an effort and try to meet us? this gathering was planned THREE weeks ago. slightly more than that. i sent out sms-es every single week reminding all of you about the gathering. i have work piled on me so high, i am crumbling under the pressure. i AM making the effort to show up. because i miss everyone so much. and the last time i saw them was a month ago? when was the last time you saw us? 4 months? you havent seen sivan for 6 months, for goodness sake.

yes, what sivan said made sense. that maybe if you really miss us, you will call us and message us. but deep down in my heart, i know thats never going to happen. we used to exchange sms-es at least once every week. even when you started working in standard chartered. when i messaged you, you might take some time to reply but you always do reply in the end and even apologise for the late reply. and when i never message you for a month, you will always message me and ask me, "shan!! i miss you! how are you?!!" it has become a habit that we will always take turns to message each other the same thing every alternate month!

when i was all pissed off with banana ass because he always use the busy excuse to explain why he didnt reply my messages, you told me, "thats such a lie! there is no such thing as too busy. it's all about making an effort! too busy in the day? you can reply when you are on your way home! or just take a few minutes before your bedtime and reply! too busy? crap!"


i was so happy back then. because thats how i feel! and only lai and you told me this before i get to tell you about my "theory". i was so so glad that i had 2 besties!

but now? you are the one going back on your words. when i message you, you never reply unless i am asking you about your products. i tried to be understanding. because i know the reason why you are working so hard. but now? it has gone too far. much too far.

i am done with being your bestie. i am tired of being nice to people who seriously dont give me a fuck.

why do i bother? why do i care?
@ 1:35 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

ok, so i know why laulau wanted to meet me so badly today. she wanted to recruit me for network marketing. i was a little pissed off. but as usual, it was gone after awhile. and they actually "sent" 2 senior people from the company to try and convinced me to join. and i had a huge debate about the whole "poaching on your friends" thing. the coffee shop was filled people from their company! i think i was so pissed off at one point that i just talked abit TOO LOUDLY. but yeah. the money is attractive. but if you want me to sell things to my friends, i cant do it.

anyways, i am feeling useless. stress out. lost. trapped. and just useless in general.

useless because my resume is empty. empty empty empty. i am involved in ZERO cca in ntu. and unlike scotchey, i dont have a research project. i am searching because i am interested in being part of a research thingy. but i cant find. so if i remain at status quo, my probability of getting an internship is WAY low. every thing that i applied for, i got rejected WITHOUT even an interview.

useless because i have been sick for a week and i am nowhere near getting better.

useless because all those talks with scotchey about what i want to be after i graduate is stressing me out. i dont know ok? and i am afraid to find out. i am afraid to find that after i know all the jobs available in BAF, i will find that i dont like any of them. and it will robbed me off my last remaining shred of interest in BAF. then what happens next? on the other hand, i WANT to find out. but ask who? LHS? it's not as easy as just walking into the room and then asking him about the jobs. because he wont know who the hell i am. he WONT mind. but can you truly see how weird and rude and everything the situation can be?

useless because everyone knows where they are heading. and i am still swimming around.

useless because my GPA is at the bottom. and i am competing with a pool of genius. of people who knows where they are heading. knows about the subject even before they enter the class. can you imagine the bell curve for the grades? reading investment textbook can take as long as 3 hours. and it frustrates me. frustrates me to the point where i want to flunk my book out the window. because i STILL dont understand.

useless because i am angry with myself for feeling the above.

useless because i just feel useless. believe it or not, i need to have a constant in my life. like planning an event or something. i should follow up my KK Hospital thingy.

useless because i am angry with my body. i am sick. i am tired. i am getting stomaches. my world spins every single time i stand up. i literally BLACK OUT. i cant see a thing. even though i conceal that fact well, but yes, i cant see. and i cant SHIT. yes, you hear me. everytime i go to the toilet, my mum will ask me the same thing. somehow it just stresses me out. she keeps saying it's not normal. it's this this this. and then she keeps blaming me for sleeping late. and everything

but does she know that i am sleeping late because i am trying to catch up. i am reading my notes. and if i dont burn those extra midnight oil, i will be lagging FAR behind? i TRIED to tell her that. but she blames me. she still do that. and she even blames me for not being able to shit. it's MY FAULT.

i dont know.

anyway, i cant collapse this weekend. i cannot. i have 2 presentations and 1 quiz coming up. i have to pack all these away. but then it's easier said than done right? because if it's that easy, i wont be crying now.

吴慧珊，不准哭！
@ 11:36 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

it's been a week. and i am still a little sick.

busy week next week. one quiz, 2 presentations.

which means, my weekend is jam packed.

meeting on friday for investment. then dental appointment.

i am so hardworking today.

psycho. investment. and 212.

mood swings too. chocolate cravings.

*sigh*
@ 12:54 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

so i went to the Deutsche Bank Open House. i realised something.

part of me is still not accepting the fact that i am in BAF. even though, i have bought the textbooks. even though i am 5 weeks through the lessons.

when i hear people talking about the banking industry, i get blown away. but thats it.

yes, i tried to make myself accept. half-heartedly google-ing jobs in the finance industry. but thats nothing.

WU HUISHAN!

maybe getting into BAF IS a mistake. BUT! 错了就错了。是时候把这个错误变成一个对的选择！！

i guess, it's time i really get down to it. maybe i still wont know what i want to do. but i have to remove that road block in my head.

and thats the first step.
@ 11:39 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

while doing accounting tutorial 4 just now, the book put the year-end record before the beginning ones. so it looks something like this:

Work-in-Process Inventory, December 31
Work-in-Process Inventory, January 1

so there i was, blur as usual. i thought, "why the textbook so funny? give the record for ONE day only?" and then i looked at the figures and thought, "wow! the company best sia! it's only one day and the difference is so BIG?"

ignoring the "strange" fact. i did my statements as per normal. just treating December 31 as the beginning and January 1 as the end. THEN! when i was halfway through the 3rd question, lightning struck!

i realised the January 1st was the beginning! and December 31 was the ending period *conks head*

ok, i know what scotchey will say. 都说了，人跟猪是不一样的！
@ 4:01 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

one of my future honeymoon accomodation has to be BANYAN TREE(:

or i can go by myself. whichever comes first.

trying to be an accountant and cook at the same time o.O
@ 3:28 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

so it's now 11.14am and i am still in bed.

just took medicine and probably going to knock out in 15 minutes time. i woke up at 10am and had breakfast. i was feeling ok. but who knows? by 10.30am, my blocked nose AND throat is back again. and when my mum touched me, i was freezing cold.

so it's back to bed again. that means i missed both BF215 and BF212 this week. both of my core! bad bad bad. BF215 still not that bad since i always pay the littlest attention even when i am present (which i decided is not very good attitude and will change next week!). BF212..well, the teacher cant really teach? BUT! missing a lesson CAN be deadly. so i better work harder and do all the exercise and telly with my answer booklet (see! my 30mins photocopying is paying off! not to mention now almost everyone have the answers too-.-).

ok, let's just hope i wont miss too much today (haa! i'm delusional!).

aye. i better go to bed.

i just realised my workload this week is HUGE! so i better go to bed and work my ass off later. till later(:
@ 11:12 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

我生病时，是吃软不吃硬。

但是我老妈，不会软。所以，刚才她骂了我一顿。threatened to cut my hair off and scolded me for working until so late. but the thing is, does she think that i like it? i felt so 委屈. i am stupid enough. competing in a specialisation where everybody knows everything about the industry. if i dont put in this extra thing, i'll never catch up, much less excel in it.

so i cried. i think my mum heard it while she was locking the door. she called from the shop but i didnt pick up. because i just cant be bothered to. 你对的也骂，不对的也骂。我已经病到很辛苦了，还要硬着头皮做功课。你还骂我？

but then after awhile, she came back with chinese medicine. i think it's ginger soup. and made some for me to drink.

she started explaining why she shouted at me before. and i think she was about to cry. i never see my mum like this.

i must have really looked horrible. if not, she wouldnt have been so worried. i dont know.
@ 5:37 PM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.

this is what i wrote on his testimonial page. hopefully he'll see it and laugh (wherever he may be) (:
this is the picture that you oh-so-nicely posted on friendster a few years back. and if what your brother said is true, then you still have it in your room.

havent really talked to you properly for years. the last time i messaged you was probably during your birthday this year where you said you will remember my birthday (even though i said you wont). guess we'll never know.

my primary school crush. who is always irritating me and calling me at night. but we had fun, didnt we?

no, i dont dance ddr anymore. yes, my dad still open the econ minimart (it's called i-Econ now, dumbo!).

wherever you are, i hope you've found your direction, your peace and happiness.


i am still in shock but sadness is creeping in slowly.

@ 1:55 AM |wished.hoped.waited.dashed.